Define Hell to Me

Hell found me. It mildly occurred to me that I was not surprised in the least. Hell always finds me, no matter where I go, where I hide, and no matter how many times I wish it away. It comes back, haunts me, and bleeds me to premature death. It's almost not fair, but what kind of Evil is fair? And the simple definition of fair itself, is really not simple at all, for the various forms of fair come into play when you merely look up the supposedly simple, four-letter word itself.

Confused? I wouldn't blame you. I too once was, but with no choice, no future to look forward to, and no past to reflect upon, I quietly accepted my dead fate, and all became beautifully clear. Sadly though, it is not a clarity that can be spoken in words, or expressed in action, or felt in emotion. The all simply is, and is, is simply all.

Circular reasoning.

On a cloudless day I lazily laid in the bitter sand and mud-caked rock, looked up to the dark sky, stained countless times with blood and sacrifice, trials and tasks, victories and defeats, and deemed it all to be circular reasoning. This truth that I seemed to know and grasp, wasn't really truth at all, and yet, Logic, of the complex, human mind believed it.

I gaze and ponder at Logic and its true purpose, just as Logic gazes back at me. What simple truth could Logic be? Does Logic even have a simple truth?

I once thought of Logic as the word that individuals use when they try to define something that could not possibly be. The list of impossibilities is endless, and for people who fear the great beyond, Logic aids them into deluding themselves when they know in their hearts, in their very souls the real truth, that anything is possible. Logic provides a pretty shell in which people fight to the death to dwell in.

How I despise people who refuse to see what actually is, what the physical eye or hand cannot or has not seen nor touched. This scorn, a hate I vowed never to feel, has aided me in ways I never hoped to imagine. My own simple truth has been conducted and created, birthed from this contempt, and cannot be swayed, for this truth exists neither here nor there, but somewhere far in between. My simple truth: Logic is the root of all born Evil.

Preposterous you say? Not really. Not when you really think about it, using that unique head you only were, or ever will be, fortunate to be born with. All History seems to be able to accomplish is repeating past mistakes, and yet not one single human face has been repeated at birth, not even identical twins. Can Logic define and give name to that particular truth? The answer is no, and not because Logic has no voice of its own, therefore having to act upon the voices of those alive and mortal, but because Logic is circular reasoning in its sole way, or at least takes part in creating a vortex of circular reasoning. Perhaps we should call it Circular Logic?

Logic denies heaven and hell, unless heaven is seen as the ostensibly eternal mass that is space, and hell is looked upon as the raging inferno of magma that slowly moves about under the green and blue surface of this marble we human beings occupy as our current residence. In thus denying heaven and hell, Logic denies God and the devil.

Funny, it is, this thought of how, if we existed but three hundred years or so ago, we all would have been faithful believers. I think it now is more common for a dweller of darkness to prance about more freely and without the disdain of the world on his or her shoulder than a creature of light. Again, where is the Logic in all this?

I sigh and rub my aching temples, because I know there is none. Many factors are to blame, and it seems every problem has many factors that created it thus. I wryly suppose that I even I can admit to there being a possible loophole in my "Logic is the root of all Evil" notion, but I tragically lost the will to care the moment I stopped truly existing.

Then again, what is true existence? Some will say a body full of the rich blood of life, with a muscle that beats, and a complex tool of thought. Others will tell you true existence is living a full life, one of happiness and pleasantries. I've always just believed these to be a way of living, surviving. You must have a heart that beats, a way to think, (that tool among other necessary needs), and happiness and pleasantries are excellent things to work towards as personal goals. And yet, as with all things, there are glitches. Not everyone has a perfectly healthy heart, not all have a fully functioning mind, some are trapped and consumed in bitterness and can find no way out, and others are too poor to have all the pleasantries they need or want. Physically we all exist, but mentally we all do not.

I do not believe existence can ever be truly defined. Many believe in things that supposedly do not exist, as individuals have since the beginning of mankind. I think, perhaps, that we could say that existence is defined by what we do with our lives, how we choose to live them, and the path of thoughts we choose to undertake. These things are good and true, but what about the little detail many choose to ignore? What about life after we do and accomplish all those things listed above? What happens when we die?

Countless cultures all over the world and all through time have believed in the after life. Can it all be one big coincidence, or have all these people just deluded themselves into wishful thinking? I suppose all that can be done is live life the best way and get to the point of "what about after we die?" when it is gotten to. Either that, or you believe that there is something more out there than this current hell we live in.

I get up and wander aimlessly, with no real destination. I come cross corpses to the horizon, obliterated buildings, pain, suffering, pleas for help, and cries for mercy. I shamelessly walk past and pretend not to notice. There are few who actually care anyway, so why I should I be one of them? I sure never lived a truly happy existence.

My sister, friend, and I all suffered countless trials, with only each other to aid ourselves, and we met much later on. Murder, mayhem, molestation, substance, self-infliction, hurt, heartache, death, destruction, and so on were common things. A few—I dismally suppose we should have been more thankful—never particularly touched us, but you do not always have to touch to feel. And oh, did we feel.

We all walk the path of life, out hearts and souls becoming shadowed with each new truth we find, each new horror we uncover, each new lie that passes our lips, and each new powerful experience that shakes us to the bone. We become mean, vile, angry, jealous, depressed, and then loose our hope, self, and sense. We become creatures that terrorize others and lure them into the darkness with us, for the saying, "Misery loves company" has more truth that people tend to realize. This, I define, is true hell. This is the hell that finds me each and every day I exist. This is the hell I will never escape until the day my eyes close and never open again.

I think it a good thing that Hope will find me, in those last few seconds, the seconds I ponder if I should stop existing and truly living, and will lighten my soul before it becomes saturated with the decaying blood of darkness and Evil. Happiness and peace will temporarily help me survive day by day, and blissful ignorance will be my guide. I'll escape hell when I dream, for only in my dreams do I fool myself into thinking I have escaped the sad and harsh reality that is my life. But once I wake up, hell will find me, and the perpetual process will start all over again. The wheel of fate will keep spinning its thread, and the fool will keep laughing.

Is this fool I, I must question myself? Or is it you, who laughs at my misery, when yours is no better? I have spoken my thoughts on all these cheerless realities; now please, I ask of you this: Define hell to me.

A/N: Feel free to review, or not review. I don't really care either way. It's just nice to know that ppl are at least reading and considering what I've written. I actually wrote this for a contest I never entered, so I decided I might as well post in on FictionPress.