forgive me

I want to carve out my insides
like a pumpkin on Halloween
and hang them out to dry so I can
start blue day breeze afresh.

I cry every time I have my hair
dyed because once again it doesn't
make me beautiful. but you look
so sad, and I realise at least my hair

isn't machine washable.

I cry every time he loves her
and I fall into the place of
half beat romances with blow
jobs in public toilets. but you
look at him so much I realise
at least he didn't say he loved
me first.

because I cry every time I look in
the mirror but then what do I have to
be sad about that you don't already
have pumping in through tubes

I starve myself to sickness then pack
my stomach up with parasite-food but
there's you with your frozen apples
and when you cough, it just hammers
into my heart- you didn't ask for this.

it should have been me buying bucket fulls
of rainbow bands to sell to families and friends
it should have been me missing Christmas day
to be hooked up to a machine and throwing up
paracetamol.

I'm sorry.