Waiting for Change

Look at me
tell me what you see
because all I see
when I look around
is my own tainted vision
full of anger and hate

And I'm frustrated
because nothing ever gets better
sure they say everything changes
then please, rearrange me

I can't breath
this intangibility
is killing me
slowly
and painfully

And everything hurts
it hurts how
every time I'm with God
everything hurts
and how the times I really remember
that He's there
are after I've cried
and sobbed
to find some outlet for the pain

I'd love to be someone people look up to
except not
I get tired of it

And sure, I have hope
if I didn't, I'd be dead instead of writing
but I'd love to see an end to this

They say things will get better
but how? when?
Mostly, I just feel like crying
collapsing
will anyone catch me?

I'm sure God will
eventually,
just like things will improve,
eventually.
I just hate all of this

And I hate that I run after Him
harder and harder
and still don't find Him
don't find rest.

I just want to be free,
Is that so much to ask?