The Diary of a Random Criminal Madman (Let's Call Him Bob)
Day 1
Day began very promisingly, when I opened the newspaper and realised that they'd updated me from third Most Wanted Criminal to second. Things took a turn to the worse when noticed that it was only because they were blaming me for Massive Explosion two days ago. As much as I'd love to have arranged that, I didn't. A certain Mr Tvasnt Mi did; the clumsy fool simply cannot cover his tracks, so everyone knows it was him. Except the FBI, that is.
Naturally, I had to outdo the idiot's act of terrorism, so I threatened to nuke some city in an off-corner of the world. To stop me, they will send two million to a bank account in Switzerland.
Luckily, they don't know I ran out of nukes last month.
In other news, the dartboard I ordered has arrived. I cut out pictures of SLOD:s (Spineless Leaders of Democracy) and pasted on it. 50 points if you hit the President's nose!
Nations struck dumb with terror; 1. Not bad.
Pictures of SLOD:s completely unrecognizable; 14. Very good.
- - -
Day 2
Tvasnt Mi called at 3 am this morning to brag about passing me on the Most Wanted list. Damn criminal mastermind; no sense for time zones. How hard can it be, he lives right next door!
At noon I went to visit my Criminal Madman's Counsellor. He went through the usual routine, blabbering about World Peace this and Democracy that. He was so busy listening to his own voice that he didn't notice when I attached Serious Amounts of Explosives to his briefcase. If everything goes according to plan, he'll be blowing up a major subway station on his way home.
Subway Stations blown to pieces; 1. Improvement!
- - -
Day 3
Very exciting morning; sent Evil Henchmen to carry out Evil Mastermind Plot, concerning sending a computer virus into the World Bank's systems, to make them pay taxes to me. I hope the Henchmen succeed; could use the extra money to buy cinnamon buns.
Tvasnt Mi came over to compare notes. He stole half a jar of my grandma's cookies and another of my Campaigns for World Domination, but he won't be able to carry it out. He never is.
Evil Henchmen reported back by noon, to say all was going well… the fools interrupted me right in the middle of a game of Trick the Pizza Guy Into Giving You the Pizza for Free. Incompetent idiots. I'll have to have them exchanged. Must remember to plan Gruesome Deaths for the lot of them. Also, they owe me money for the pizza.
Later;
Henchmen's evening report; Evil Mastermind Plot successfully carried out. Perhaps I'll not have to exchange Henchmen after all. Tvasnt Mi is so jealous that he placed a Poisoned Congratulations Cake outside my door.
As if I'd ever fall for that one. What does he think I am, some sort of amateur?
- - -
Day 4
Checked through my Criminal Mastermind guidebook and realised I've got a problem. I haven't yet tried to become Evil Dictator with a Serious Attitude Problems of any country. That alone could cut my membership in E.V.I.L. (Elite of the Vastly Immoral League).
They must never find out about this. I've got to do something. So sat down in my favourite chair, with my Mommy's Angel-mug filled with hot chocolate, to think it over, and went through my notebook.
Conclusion; this is a complete disgrace. I have 204 Campaigns for World Domination, 179 Ways to Get Rid of Annoying Counsellors, 345 Schemes for Rampaging Subway Stations, 93 Plans for Dramatic Prison Escapes (in case of emergency), 721 Methods for Hijacking a Plane and Demanding a Ridiculously High Ransom, 367 Designs at Nuking Stuff People Do Not Want Nuked, and of course, most important of all; 542 Ideas at How to Get Free Cable.
But not a single Becoming an Evil Dictator with a Serious Attitude Problem. That must be resolved.
- - -
Day 5
Came up with Evil Dictator Plan, and promptly ripped it out of my notebook; it was so bad it wasn't even worth the paper it was written on.
Tvasnt Mi is sneaking about outside my door. Caught him peering in through my window. I wonder if he is trying to steal another Campaign for World Domination, or if he is merely after more cookies?
Evil plots; only 1. Mildly embarrassing. Am perhaps losing my touch?
- - -
Day 6
Tvasnt Mi was rummaging through my trash yesterday evening, probably looking for cookie crumbs. Desperate fellow. If I wanted cookie crumbs, I'd simply steal them. Stealing is elementary for Criminal Madmen. He's probably forgotten that.
Later;
The President was on TV, and I'm back in the tops of the Most Wanted list. Apparently they have noticed my little transaction with the World Bank. I suppose they had to figure it out sooner or later. No big loss; I've got enough money for a year's supply of cinnamon buns. But I did send Evil Henchmen to blow up a nearby bank in protest. Just to keep them on their toes.
- - -
Day 7
E.V.I.L. has cut my membership! ! Now I'm back in S.E.M.I. E.V.I.L (Sorry, Evil is Mediocre and Insufficient for Elite of the Vastly Immoral League.) They said something about having found a more suitable candidate. I wonder who it is… so I can send them an envelope filled with Nasty Viruses.
Henchmen killed in frustration; 7. On second thought, perhaps a bad idea.
- - -
Day 8
That's it, game's officially over, and I've lost. I must admit I didn't see this one coming. Tvasnt Mi – who also was the one to take my place in E.V.I.L – stole my Evil Dictator Plan. He has taken over Major Country and is currently holding sway over it by use of Extremely Undemocratic Methods, Military Force, and Cookie Bribery.
It never occurred to me that grandma's cookies contained substances of amazing usefulness in persuasion. (Would explain a few things, though.) Tvasnt Mi is perhaps not as dumb as he seems. He's been stealing cookies over years in order to figure out the Secret Ingredient.
Ah, well. Now pardon me for a moment; I've got a Poisoned Congratulations Cake to send, and an E.V.I.L. headquarters to nuke.
That'll teach them.
Author's Note:
This, I wrote for English class in 2003. Posting it now, since I still like it. Also, a note. The document uploader hates me. So if the formatting is off somewhere, or paragraphs repeat themselves, or there's a space missing between two words, it's because of our ongoing war. Please ignore it.