Another (hopefully) long-awaited chapter of quotes! Onto the laughter.


Kid: Psst! What's the answer for 'gender'?

Nick: Some people play tennis. I erode the human soul.

Clay: I missed a question wrong!

Clay: That's the easiest thing I've ever seen in my life!
Me: What about your mom?

Me: What kind of racist are you?
Sam: The kind who hates black people.

Mrs. Sortisio: The winning team gets tasty treats!
Me: They get me?

Tasha: I hope we get ass raped for a straight hour.

Mr. Fortuna: It was rainy, it was windy, it was absolutely miserable. I loved every minute of it.

Mark: Alright, stop playing pattycake over there.
Me: This isn't pattycake—pattycake is played with the hands. This is more like…pattyfist.
Mark: I'm-a patty slap somebody.

Dan: My brain's gonna explode!
Amy: It already did!
Amy: Ha, just kidding!
Me: Amy's not kidding, Dan. She hopes you die.

(Party Quotes!)

Ben: This is a sausage fest.
Me: That's my favorite kind of fest.

Jack: That thing stays there forever.
Me: That's what she said!
Jack: Shane, that wasn't funny.

Me: Black people don't have homes. They live in clubs.

Nick G: It's hot in here.
Me: Take off your hair.
Jack: It's a wig. He has cancer.
::everyone laughs::

Nick: Move that over there.
Me: That's what she said.
Ben: Shane, have you ever considered suicide?

Ben: Nick, you can't be tough in slippers.

Ben: Nick is now officially gayer than Shane.
Me: No, he's not!

Jack: -taki mushrooms.

(for the record, I know it's spelled 'take', but everyone was pronouncing it wrong and not getting the joke. So wah.)

Ben: Where's the garbage?
Nick: It's over there.
Ben: Oh, I usually just use Shane's mom's mouth. Oh, wait, I use that for a toilet. Never mind.

Me: People make fun of me because I'm sweet.

Nick B: Hey, who am I?
Ben: Nick Boyd, the faggot?

Jack: Sucks, 'cause now you're out and you have to give the lunch ladies oral sex.

Jack: No one asks about my cuts.
Ben: Because they think your parents beat you.

Nick G: My parents don't let me watch girls' tennis.

Ben: I can't work until my dad gets off.
Ben: Ha, I just said my dad gets off. I almost missed that one.

(End of party quotes!)

Cory: Life is like that pencil sharpener. Sometimes you wanna stick your dick in it.

Mr. Kyser: What is one way to keep a relationship strong?
John: Gorilla Glue.

(written as an answer on a test)
'everything is always perfect because no one is perfect'

Candace: What's the answer for 22?
Mr. Kyser: 'No'.
Candace: What if they put 'yes'?

Jameson: ::pulls a bottle of Nyquil out of his pocket::
Me: What's that for? It's 8 in the morning!
Jameson: I'm thirsty.

Maura: If my kid is retarded, I'm going to have it killed or send it away.

Mr. Bloom: Accept people, no matter their color or nationality…
John: Even black?

(when talking about car insurance)
John: Do you pay more insurance if you're gay?

Mrs. Connors: I have a blackberry.
Me: I prefer the whiteberry.
John: Who doesn't? It's not black.

(John and I are talking)
Mr. Kyser: Shhh!
John: Could you…::gestures:: We're trying to make snide comments, here.

Mrs. Hockaday: Any questions on the homework?
Jake: 3.
Me: Yeah, 3. 3's good. Let's start with 3.
Mrs. Hockaday: Let's start with 2.

Ryan: That's completely different!
Zack: You're completely different!
Zack: 'Cause I hate you.

Ruth: Pansy.
Me: Pansy!? Get over here and say that to my—balls.

Joey: I love Clay's dick!

Jerry: Shane, I don't want that. Don't give it to me.
Me: That's what she said.

Danielle: It's not funny!
Jon: Then why are you laughing?
Danielle: 'Cause it's not funny!

(while at work, an Asian comes through the drive-thru)

Customer (Asian accent): I want-ah joon-yah woppah and ah four piece tend-ah.
Me: Any sauce with the four piece?
Customer: Bah-beque.
Wendy: What, they don't want sweet & sour?

Me: Suck his dick! It's the only way!

Mrs. Hockaday: I have purchased an online grading system, so you can go online and look up your math grades online at any time.
Ryan: What is it, Guess what we're not taking today!
Me: My pants off?

Mrs. Sortisio: Why would we measure things in Kelvin?
Calvin: Because I'm too hot to be measured in Celsius.
Mrs. Sortisio: I need an intelligent answer—not Calvin.

Question: 'Define Love'
John: How do you spell 'John's cock'?

John's attitude on prenuptial agreements: I know I'm not gonna need a prenup because if she tries to leave me, I'm gonna kill her.

Nick: Who's going to be a future slut?
Ben: Me.

Me (looking at a shape): It's like a bean! Or a kidney!
Lauren: Or a kidney bean!


Hope you guys had fun. And any racist jokes aren't serious. Just funny.