Depression sets in, covering my thoughts in hazy grayness.
No willpower to fight, to care.
Nothingness is upon me.
Draining my energy
so that only tears
are able to fall from my eyes.
My heart is heavy in my chest.
I have to will it somehow
to even continue to beat.
As I strain to uphold my very life.
Sudden urges to run, to scream,
to somehow get away from the heat,
pulse through my head.
I try and slowly breath,
trying to relax until the moment is over.
Waiting for sanity to once again reign.
No longer than it seems
I may be back on track,
stifling the insane person that dwells inside,
then once again I am struck with emotions so strong,
so strange, so unlike me.
Where am I?
I begin to wonder.
How can I find myself again?
Who will help me look?
But I dare not ask anyone for help.
They would find me crazy
and commit me to some sterile home for the insane,
never to see the outside world again.
And never is a long time.
I must muster up from deep inside my soul,
the strength to fight
this awful disease that is infested within me.
To find control again in my life.
Losing control is a very scary thing.
Second guessing yourself,
wondering if anyone else notices the
hesitation in your voice,
are constant thoughts
that seep towards the front of your mind.
I can't help but wonder
in between the insane moments if life
will ever be normal again?
Will my thoughts ever be my own again?
How long can I keep up the charade?
Next comes loneliness,
taking up my body in quick cold sheets.
It clouds my thoughts,
I can't think straight.
Everything is on the tip of my tongue
to just yell out how I really feel.
This insanity just keeps coming,
and as it does it gets harder and harder to break it
and return to my normal state.
I fear that one day I might not make it back to the light.
I fear I might never be right again.
I fear my friends pain of losing me to the dark.
Every time I breath
it feels like someone is puncturing my lungs
and it make it harder to concentrate
on such a simple task as breathing.
I can't stand the suffering any longer,
I am not strong enough to endure this for any longer.
I can feel my heart beating faster
and my stomach tightens on the inside.
I need to throw up so
I hold my breath
and hope it goes away.
Nothing makes sense to me anymore.
I no longer feel how I was.
I continue to wear my mask,
my disguise, to fool my friends and family.
I don't know what's wrong with me,
I should feel happy.
I should be enjoying my young years
but instead something stows itself away
inside of me and slowly eats away at my sanity.
I've become quite the actress now,
I can sometimes even fool my self.
I get so caught up in the game
that sometimes it feels real.
But then reality sets itself in front of me
and the parasite comes back
to take control of my emotions,
my thoughts, and sometimes even my actions.
I can't go back now.
I'm too lost to find my way back.
The maze that I'm in
only seems to get larger as the minutes go by.
Everything is getting darker
but I can't turn around.
There must be another way out.
But every time I think I've found my way,
I end up in a dead end.
That's how it always is,
it's what my life's about.
A dead end.
I'm so numb that the cold doesn't even get to me
and I just keep going,
and I'll always keep going
because no one is there to stop me,
no one would even care.
But I'm used to that now
so I'll just put my mask back on
and get on with the show
It's better this way,
that no one should know.