Imagine for a moment that you don't believe in a "God" or a faith in particular. Or, perhaps, you aren't imagining- that may give me a better chance of explaining, or at least getting this across. It might also allow me to make a bigger fool of myself... Ah, well, such is life. Anyway, you don't believe, for one reason or another. Maybe you never have, maybe you turned away, maybe, maybe, maybe.

You find yourself at some point praying. It's odd- you don't believe, you've never felt that way, but somehow you find yourself speaking or thinking to a higher being, so desperately meaning it that there's no doubt in your mind that that moment- what you feel, what it means, the entire moment- is real. It would be scary, wouldn't it? It would seem wrong, even.

Now look at my version. Look from a different angle: you've been raised in that light. You've always felt- maybe not strongly or fervently, but the feeling's there- that this "god" is there, watching you, listening to you, caring. You feel- you know- that you pray for a reason. You may not pray as often as others think you should, but you do pray. You pray from the heart, deeply, meaning it.

Then something happens. Or maybe nothing happens- I don't know how it works. But you find yourself starting a prayer, saying those words you used to mean so wholeheartedly, and you push yourself on to finish, but... No matter what, no matter how much you want to, how hard you try, how much you cry, you say you believe, no matter what you do, you can't mean it. You search almost desperately, hoping to feel it again, to find that hope and security, but no matter what, you no longer 'feel', you no longer 'know', what you have your entire life.

Your god is gone.

It is painful. It is confusing. It's like coming home after a days work (or school) to find your entire house has been emptied of possesions, or even demolished. All in a matter of hours, with no warning, and no fallback for comfort. No cabin in the woods, no apartment across town. That home was all you had, all you'd built from the very first. And it's gone. You lose grip on it all- you fall.

It's frightening. It is wrong. And it has also happened. Maybe not to you, maybe not to one of your clsoe friends, and maybe not even that drastically. But to someone.

To... me...


A/N: There was more to that, but I'm too lazy to type it all up again, and... well, if I get my other comp. connected again I may put it up as a 2nd chapter, but I doubt it. Just... be there for people. You never know what they're going thru. My church group still sees me as an upstanding, angelic little christian child. And this has been going on for months, almost... a year... wow. O-o; ANYway, any thoughts? Did I royally make a fool of myself? Don't be afraid of Saeger bashing- he can take it. And so can I.