Letter I'll Never Send


Dear Grace

I miss you so much

And on this Christmas Eve

When so much has happened

When I am terrified of the future

Of what it holds

Or doesn't

I need you most

Of all people

Right now

Yet you're a half a world away

Already experiencing Christmas

Thirteen hours ahead of me

These past few months

Actually, seven to be exact

Have been sheer chaos

For I've missed you so very much

You don't know how many nights

I cried myself to sleep

You don't know how many times

I've had to fake a smile

A laugh

Because something reminded me of you

And I wanted so badly

To cry

Did you ever feel the same exact way?

Ever?

I remember that day you left

I couldn't comprehend it all

So I just put it away

Until one May day

Your birthday

It all resurfaced

Now, it's been building for seven months

And I still don't know how to deal

Because no matter what I do

You're still gone

And on this Christmas Eve night

I struggle to find the magic of Christmas

The sparks

The fireworks we used to see

Illuminate the season

I fail to notice anything

Other than your absence

And the idea

That this may very well be

My last Christmas here

In the place where I grew up

The place where we had all of our

Grand adventures

I miss them all so much

As I miss you

And you haven't even heard the half of it

Merry Christmas to you

Since I won't be having one