Okay guys, I have no idea where I'm going with this thing, so... as I always say... bear with me.
This is just something I felt like writing about... and I guess its kinda linked to... in a way... the 'I,She' poem I put up a long time ago.
I don't know what you'll think of this... but enjoy anyway. I'm sure a lot of you have felt simular to this...
After looking all through that damn house, I finally found a place I could hide.
I slipped behind the couch, moving it out just slightly so I could fit behind it, staring blankly out the window behind it. The window stretched all the way up to the ceiling almost in this big place.
Stupid place... I didn't want to be here anymore...
I felt the lump in my throat, finally letting the tears come out of me.
Why did it always have to be her... why, of all the people, did I have to loose to her?
I cried silently, staring out at the beautiful day outside, hating it, hating everything.
My friends were all around somewhere in this big house. Running, doing things... just having fun up on our vacation...
I was always too serious. Had to always be serious...
Then again, you can't blame me. After the night before...
I'm in love with someone else...
He'd said those words... and left the room like it was nothing. Just went back out and started playing games and laughing, while I sat in that room, not knowing what to do. I'd bared my heart to him... taken that big chance...got up the courage... and told him how I felt... and he just...
I honestly thought he liked me. After all, the night before that... we'd lay there in each others arms... he'd been the first to French kiss me...
And the next night, he was with her.
I'd never win.
I sniffled, managing to unearth a crumpled tissue and blow my nose as softly as I could, knowing they couldn't hear me anyway. They wouldn't care.
I saw two of my friends run past the window and I sat, stock still, hoping they hadn't seen me. When they didn't come back straight away I moved to rub my sore, and sunburnt, shoulder. I'd worn sunscreen on that bushwalk... did squat for me though...
Suddenly a set of brown eyes looked in, followed by baby blue ones.
Damn, they'd found me.
They popped out of view, and I waited for the moment they'd come and attack me or something... but nothing...
Course not. And the tears kept coming, stinging my badly sunburnt cheeks, making me wish I could at least tan or something... I'd probably be peeling in a few days...
My mind wandered onto the things that could possibly be wrong with me. Was it my hair? I mean, I knew it was long... and that the bun thing I did was a bit boring, but...
Maybe it was my face. Maybe it was because I was too clingy, like someone once told me. My nose...
Or was it he hated me? I mean, I had pushed him off my grandmothers bed when we were twelve... but I thought that was just harmless joking around between us...
I was a bitch. That was probably why. I was nasty... cruel...
I jumped, snapping away from my thoughts as there was two huge thuds on the couch behind me. I looked up to see Lisa and Leigh peeking over, smiling down at me...
"Whatcha doin down there Jai?" Lisa asked, and I think for a split second I honestly wanted to hit her.
"Nothin. Just thinking"
"Abooouuut?" Leigh asked as they both jumped over the couch, landing beside me. I shrugged, swallowing the lump in my throat and fighting back my tears. Damn these two...
"What's wrong? Why you crying?" I turned to look at Lisa as she said this, seeing her smile like she did when I was like this. Phillip or Natalie must've gone to get them...
"It's nothing. I'm fine, really" I managed a shaky smile.
"Can't be nothing if you're sitting here crying"
"It's nothing! I'm just thinking, all right?"
They both continued to pester me, like usual, and I told them I was fine about a bazillion times, smoothing the bottom of my dress down every now and then, something to do... plus it was too hot to wear anything else and I didn't have shorts... putting on the fake smile. It was one thing I'd learnt to do... one thing I could lie about easily... I was never a good liar...
They finally gave in, bouncing back over the couch and racing off to join the fun. I continued to sit there, not knowing what to do now.
He'd always love her. And she'd always take him when she could.
And why not? She was tall, beautiful and outgoing. She had bright blue eyes and smooth, short brown hair that rested at her shoulders.
She was everything I wasn't. How could I compete with such a wonderful person?
The answer was I couldn't.
I rubbed the back of my neck, a little sore but still all right. Three months later, and I was feeling pretty good.
I went out, taking a glance at the clock. Three thirty... okay then.
I breathed out, shaking my hands out and feeling the butterflies back in my stomach. I pushed them back down... this wasn't a time to get nervous.
Then again, maybe it was.
I know it seemed lame, but it was going to be a sleepover birthday party. The first one I'd tried to organise since my first one was a bust. No one but Amy had stayed over that night... and she was going to stay over anyway.
Not only that, but I was going to be babysitting again tonight too. Brendan, my usual kid, was going to be sleeping over.
Most of my female friends would be over... and Leigh.
I ran back into my room, taking one more glance at myself in the mirror. I looked extremely good. My Chinese-style dress hung off me perfectly, and my sister had totally gotten the eye shadow and lipstick right. Even though I hardly wore it, and I always hated when she used me as her dress-up doll...
I had to admit, I looked good. First time I'd thought that in a while.
And I was determined not to let Leigh get to me. He could look and not touch.
I grinned, bolting back out into the front lounge room as my first guest arrived.
And suddenly I felt… well, like a dork.
"Is... is it sposed to be formal?" her jaw dropped as she saw me.
"No" I answered slowly, and she laughed "I feel so underdressed!"
I rolled my eyes. Great.
One by one everyone came... I led them out the back where we'd all be staying, doing this and that... usual stuff, with Amy's and my parents, along with Brendan's mother, talking up a storm behind us. Soon the only person left to arrive was Leigh.
My sister and her boyfriend would be picking him up. I was nervous again at the thought, then it left as Brendan asked for something.
I was bending over to grab something to eat from the snacks mum had just brought out when the door between the rooms opened...
And there he was. My heart leapt to my throat as Alicia and Rui followed him in, then finally smiled, forcing my body to move over to him.
"Hi!" I cried, going and giving him a big hug "It's so nice to see you!"
"Hey Jai" he hugged me back, returning the kiss on the cheek as I pulled away. He was so soft when he hugged... and I was always one to hug tightly.
I reintroduced Amy to Leigh, then the night began.
The parents were long gone, most of the lights were out, Brendan was... what I hoped... asleep, and all of us seemed to be bedded down for the night.
I don't know how I did it, but I ended up next to Leigh.
I gave into temptation. I couldn't... I needed...
I shivered under my blanket, then rolled over, cuddling into Leigh.
"Ahhh! Cold feet! Cold feet!" he yelped, then rolled over... and cuddled into Lisa.
"Well sor-ry" I muttered, feeling a stupid lump forming, turning and getting up, dragging my blanket into the bedroom where Amy and Natalie had gone to play love games. I was shunned again... didn't feel very good...
"Which one are you playing?" I asked, plopping on the bed and curling my blanket around me.
"Ah... four kings" Amy said, shuffling the cards as Natalie sat next to me.
"Ok" I watched for a while, listening as Nat asked questions, then tried one myself, feeling a little better, ignoring that nagging sensation in my mind that wouldn't let me forget Leigh... hard as I tried...
"Jeez Lisa's a bitch" Amy muttered under her breath some time later.
"I mean, you told her about you liking him, right?"
"She really needs to-" she went on like that, muttering about how Lisa should just choose if she wants Leigh or not, and other nasty little things. I seriously was only half listening, not wanting to get into 'friend wars'. I'd already been through that when Lisa and Leigh first broke up... man that was bad...
Soon everyone was up again, and Amy and Natalie were hitting it on like wildfire, going absolutely spin crazy... then it settled again... the lights went out...
And I managed to snuggle up with Leigh again. And he didn't turn away this time.
"Your hands are so hot" he mumbled, pulling them out and rubbing the palms, then placing them behind his head. I managed a weak smile, running my hands through his hair, hearing him hum quietly in content. I cuddled closer, and he kissed my cheek... then the side of my mouth... then my actual mouth...
We kissed again, for a little while, and I felt his hands on my back, rubbing them up and down as we cuddled. I felt content. Tired, but content. It ended when Amy got up, then went back into the bedroom and flicked on the light.
I didn't know what her problem was. I mean, she had this wonderful boyfriend she'd spent over a year with... why was she jealous?
And yes, I knew she was jealous because I knew her too well. Plus, she'd told me she thought Leigh was cute earlier. Sighing inwardly, I untangled myself from Leigh and went to talk to her. She had a right to have feelings too...
Much later on in the early, early hours of the morning, Amy, Leigh and me were talking quietly in the dark much later on, since we thought the others were asleep... things were pretty peaceful, even though everyone had moved around...
We jumped, turning to see a head up near the underneath of the dining table, and immediately realised Lisa had slammed her head into the table.
"Ow" Amy muttered from beside me, and Leigh made a worried sound as we saw her flop back down.
"Is... is she still asleep?" I asked, bewildered that anyone could actually sleep through something like that. Even Lisa.
"Apparently so" Leigh muttered, moving over to her. I saw him stroke her hair, and I bit my lip, fighting back that jealous streak. Shouldn't have even been thinking about it...
"Shit, did you hear that?" Natalie popped up, making us jump.
"It sounded like the side gate"
"Um... how could it-"
"I heard something!"
Tap tap tap!
We all jumped out of our skins, and I think someone screamed, as someone knocked on the back door. Shakily I jumped up and moved to look outside...
It was Brendan's mother. Come to pick him up at three am.
Scaring the crap out of all of us too.
When that was passed and Brendan gone, on went the lights.
And on went Natalie and Amy.
Until six in the morning.
I had to stay up and watch them... feeling like I was babysitting again.
But I didn't miss seeing when Leigh cuddled up with Amy, or when he went and slept beside Lisa again.
I was never going to win. No matter how hard I tried, there was just no way I would ever be in his heart the way I wanted to be.
As I said, I didn't know where I'd go with this.
And I still don't, so... thanks for reading if you did.