It was raining ever so beautifully when we got closer to Kain's house. He grabbed my hand with his freezing, wet one and held the flap of his jacket over his dark brown head with the other. He had bad blood circulation in his hands because he smoked so much. I could imagine the pink and sick yellow in the palm of his hand. He felt so surreal to me, almost like he only existed in my mind and I was making him coming to life by squeezing my eyes shut and visualizing.
I gripped his hand as if my life depended on it and ran behind him through the squishy, disgusting sleet and gravel covered streets.
The apple tree in their yard was now completely naked. I almost wanted to put something on it.
We slowed down in front of his dirty-peach colored front door as he whipped his keys out of his pocket and opened the door while I stared, fascinated, at the mist my breath made.
The water was dripping onto my face from my hair, ruining my hair-style and carefully applied foundation.
We took our outdoor clothes off and he hung them up like was custom, walked upstairs in front of me. I noticed his mother's absence; she was probably at work.
The hems of Kain's jeans were leaving wet traces on the floor boards as he walked into the bedroom and shut the door behind us. He didn't turn the light on; the bleak gray light from outside was enough, atmospheric. He gently pushed my soaked hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear as I smiled, embarassed and hung my head.
"Do something, idiot. You can't just stand there and do nothing!"
I bit my chapped lip, remembering that I hadn't gotten the salve back yet. But his lips had salve on them and were soft and of deep vermillion as he pressed them against mine, pulling my humid body against his in a tight embrace. I inhaled him deeply, a lustful moan escaping me. I wanted to bury myself in this embrace and never let go of him, although I didn't want to have sex.
Was I abnormal for feeling like that? I'd never felt like wanting to have sex. Ever.
Kain didn't notice this though. He simply saw that I responded to his kiss and touch as he traced down my neck and pecked me playfully, not letting me catch his swollen lips with mine. Somehow his swollen lips reminded me of candy.
He grinned, pushing me down on the bed and tore his shirt off while his lower lip childishly disappeared behind his teeth.
I lied down across the short side of the bed and watched him do it, my feet dangling happily, a smile on my face. It was so tranquil, how the water tapped against the window and actually cast small circular shadows in the room. The shadows played on his chest like on a movie screen. He looked moist and hot, though I knew his skin was chilly; he had goosebumps.
I couldn't help laughing as I helped him to take off his clothes and my own. Our laughters seemed to be of another dimension, not fitting into that place. It was as if the sounds of the giant rain drops against the window and asphalt outside was the only sounds allowed. I sat up and he pushed me towards the head of the bed so that I faced the window with my legs squared.
I thought, "This is me. This is me now."
I did't know why I thought like that. Somehow I was feeling detached, as if that wasn't me there. Or as if I wasn't inside my body.
Perhaps I thought so because I wanted to hold on to that memory. I wanted to write this in the pages of my heart. I wanted to frame this experience in a pretty pearl pink frame and hang it up in the walls of my mind. I didn't want to forget it, couldn't afford to forget it.
His hands stroked my stomach and ghosted along my humid white underwear tanktop before finally pulling it off over my raised arms, my back arching off him as his cold chest brushed against my back.
The shadows were playing on my chest too now, and my shadow was playing over him. Black against grey. Me against him.
My breath came steadily and slowly as I drew in deep drags, nursing some kind of unheard beat, moaning silently as he placed loving kisses on my shoulders, holding my right hand in his and raising it in some kind of symbolic movement that I didn't understand. I liked how the shadows played with our figures, how it stretched itself out over the walls, the tip of our fingers interwined with each other's touching the ceiling.
He released my hand and I felt his fingers slowly teased me between the legs, his palm spread over the insides of my thigh as his forefinger and thumb teased my sex and anus before two of his fingers slipped inside me. They were slippery with something that I didn't even want to know what it was. His lips and breath still tickled my neck and ear so that I had to cock my head to the side.
I put my hands, palms open, on the ice cold window glass above the head of the bed, unhurriedly resting the side of my head against it as I closed my eyes and enjoyed the painful sensation of him deliberately push inside me, his lips hungry for me, his left hand cupped over my sex, making me go insane. His right arm was doing something strange that I didn't know why I enjoyed. Perhaps it wasn't as much sexy as it was soothing; it was in my arm-pit, holding my chest, his thumb caressing the tender area just under my collar bone, as if he was about to pick me up.
I curled my fingers; the window felt icy against the tender complexion of the back of my fingers. The sensation of his soft yet hard member pushing against my anus and struggling to get in felt strange. It hurt in a far distanced pitch; he was tearing me apart. I wanted him to stop, yet I wanted him to continue.
A rain drop rolled down over the window, blurring the image of a red car driving by in high speed, the sound of its engine echoing through the calm.
The head of the bed's pressure against my chest made breathing hard but I couldn't help myself from enjoying it.
I could smell him and his bitter breath as he kissed my scalp, our hair mixing with each other's, tickling the side of my face. He was about to push deeper in since only the tip of his sex was inside me. I could tell by the way his grip on me tightened and his kiss hardened.
My fingers abandoned the glass and gripped the wooden headboard, but a tickling sensation made them weak. I sobbed loudly, gritting my teeth, wailing.
"Sssh," Kain silenced me, rocking us back and forward, his hand leaving my sex and tangling into my hair, gripping my head in a firm yet solacing hold. His arm was in front of my eyes; I clutched it with both of my hands and brought it further down, over my shoulders and throat as the pain finally started to ease. It smudged my black eye make up that ran down my cheeks mixed with my tears. I silenced my sobs, my cheeks flushing.
Once again I bent farther forward, resting my nose against the glass and stared at the big droplets of water hitting the window frighteningly close to my eyes. The window quaked silently from our movements and my flailing convulsive cries. I didn't even know why I was crying, since the pain wasn't even that much anymore.
My stomach was mercury, floating around, almost painfully.
There was some kind of finality, a finality of happiness as I came, my sperm ruining his pillow under me. This was the way sex should feel, something told me. A blithe and kittenish feeling dancing in my body, gathering under my skin at the places he touched. My legs spasmed and I couldn't hold myself up; I slumped against Kain and he welcomed me in his embrace.
He thrust into me a final time, exceedingly aroused by the fact that I'd come, and couldn't help himself from coming too. I could feel him twitch behind me, whining silently in my ear and then he was just panting.
The mercury released from my body, it was there on the pillow too. The mercury that had been inside my body for so long.
It was gone.
I leaned the side of my head against the head of the bed as my body relaxed and refused to obey me, sacking down on the dirtied pillow. Since I'd turned around at the same time, my leg was being crushed under my weight. I pulled it out and stretched it, crossing it over his as it dangled over the edge of the bed.
He was pushing his hands in the area between his legs on the bed, keeping his heaviness up. He looked so small doing that, a deep and loud breath being drawn into him.
I placed my hand on his, craving his attention. "We forgot condom," I smiled, a giggle in my deep voice. Even though I look girly, as soon as I open my mouth people realize that I'm not one. My voice is very base.
Kain smiled back, pecking my lips. His hand started to push my wet hair behind my ear again. "You turned me gay, you faggot," he cracked up.
"Sorry." I looked down.
"It's okay," he paused. "Right?"
It felt like the answer to his question would make out my whole future. My eyes widened. I didn't know what to answer, but he was waiting patiently.
Did he know what this meant to me? Had he witnessed everything that had happened? How could he know?
The questions whirled in my mind, the pieces not falling into their appropriate places.
I looked up at him, my eyebrow quirking.
Perhaps I needn't know. Perhaps he didn't know either and didn't care to know.
Maybe it didn't matter at all. But if he didn't care, did that mean he...?
No, it couldn't be true. It was impossible for him to like me so much as to not care about all that. If he liked me that much, it would mean he...loved me.
The answer to his question would determine everything. It would tell me whether or not my father still played a role in my life. If I could finally let someone into my world. I didn't know if I could. I didn't know if I should. I didn't know if I could escape the painful memory of my father's touch when Kain did the same to me.
I didn't want to feel my father's hands when Kain touched me. I didn't want to need my father's wings to fly anymore. I didn't want to need his heart to love. I didn't want to need his light for myself to shine. I wanted him to let me go. For me to let it all pass.
Kain's ocean blue orbs waited patiently, looking into my eyes, his hand still playing with my soaked hair and warming it. His arm about my waist felt comforting, his nervousness made me feel at ease, since if he was nervous, that meant I could be too.
"Yeah..." I hesitated. "It's okay," I replied in a low voice, a suppressed smile playing on my lips.
Yes that was the last chapter!
Feels like an era in my writing just ended XD Ne do you guys think the conclusion was good? What do you think of it? I'd very much like to hear your opinion so please do review!!!
I'm gonna somehow continue this story, but it won't involve Alex or Kain. It will be about Adrian (Alex' dad) and his youth in the um...90's, 80's, 70's? Heh eh XD
It was fun writing this story. I hope you all liked it.
And thanks to well...all my beta readers yesh.