silence is such a DEADly weapon

can't you tell that it's the words you don't speak that hurt the most? i've been waiting and waiting for a simple reply but i think you just threw the letters away without giving them a thought (even though i poured everything into them). perhaps if i had let my blood d r i p onto the pages, you would (have) paid more attention. i fucking promise you this isn't a game that i am playing (but can you say that for yourself?). i'm fueled by the (silent) hate you have for me (are you laughing it all away?). i need another razor to keep me going because i wore out the other one. maybe i need more room on my arms to slash (even though i cover them with the long sleeves of my hoodie) because i'm just showing how much you mean(t) to me. if you don't want my blood, i'll show you my bones (that stick from my stomach). i can't take anything in because i don't want anything and you never liked me like that so let me turn over a new (?) leaf just for you. could it just be that you are too afraid to admit that you really don't care and maybe that you threw off every fucking suggestion i made for the two of us to get together? if that is all too true then you can go to hell (i know you will anyways) because you could have saved me if you just spoke up and don't dare say that i didn't try because i can whole-heartedly admit that i gave everything to rebuilt it (as i've said too many times). apparently, that everything wasn't enough. so here, take these cups of blood and mix it with a galleon on tears and pints of burning acid from my stomach. keep it all in a jar because it's the perfect recipe fueled by silence and ignorance. continue to live your (oh-so seemingly) perfect life as i sit and bleed (cry & vomit) for you (is this what you really want((ed))?). and maybe it's not just you that i'm trying to be perfect for because those others just won't get off my back. i can complain and cry to them all i want but they'll never really know what it feels like (god, could i say anything more cruel because they are just trying to help). do you even believe anything that i'm saying or do you think it is a joke? how can you even think that when there is evidence carved upon my wrists (that you haven't seen)? or maybe you are just too much of a coward to look (because i carved your initials into my skin just as a reminder ((as if i could forget)) of who left me like this). and i'm almost seeing no use to this because (i know) you think i'm crazy (why do you think i have to have a session a week just to get me by?). and no, i never asked for this but the first time cold blade met warm skin, i wasn't controlling it – it was all you, my dear (ex-)friend. and what hurts even more is that when it all started, i showed you (to your goddamn face) the (pitiful) scars on my wrists, i swear you almost have a smile on your face. when we separated moments after, i knew that i had failed at everything that i was trying to do. but didn't you say that it would be okay and that i'd make it through? what the fuck did you think i was doing? did it ever once cross your mind that i was doing it because of you? you were (are) completely oblivious to everything (ha, and i just realized that was another way you showed how much i don't mean to you). i suppose we had a friendship that was made only to c o l l a p s e as time went by (it started ((to me)) the summer of 2004 but i'm not sure if it has come to an end yet even though it took a bad ((worse?)) turn in may of 2005). and maybe as the new year comes, my mind won't linger on the thoughts of you (but rather on thoughts of myself)... but i want you to know that i may never stop bleeding for you or crying for you and where else is this putrid vomit going to go? wait, what have you done for me?

December 29, 2005

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okay,i'm half and half when it comes to this piece. the beginning started out good but the ending is just so fucking stupid.i meant to post this before new year's day but stuff happened and it didn't work out that way. by the way, i don't write to please anybody but myself. i post my works on fictionpress to know what people think about it. if you don't like it or have something rude to say, don't read, don't review. keep it to yourself. it's not that hard.