Internally Conflicted

By xxAmandaNohexx

Write a note. No. Not even to your own mother? Especially her. Why? Because. You don't want to admit the truth. To myself? Especially to yourself. She was right. Who was? My mom. How? She told me not to be around him. She told you he was a bad man and he would change you. But did he change me? I don't know, do you think he did? I became dependent. Too dependent.

So now you're tapped in your own mind and you're running away. Would the old Victoria do something like this? Act like this? No. No she wouldn't, she'd be strong, she'd let it go, she'd have common sense, will power. So that's what it's about? Not having will power. Who am I'm trying to power against? Who?! Myself. That's who.

So now you're running away in the dead of night now even knowing where you'll end up, without people knowing where you are. They'll think you got kidnapped, then it will be in the news and people will recognize me and send me home. Back here. Back to where I'm saddened and ashamed of what I let a man do to me.

I don't think I can ever face him again, speak his name, have happy thoughts of him. He was such a beautiful person, now…his heart is nothing but slime. Filth. Complete filth. That you still love. Or do I? Probably so.

So, I guess maybe a very short, to the point note to my sister, Abigail might be smart. She's my only friend now, for he alienated me from almost all the people I used to talk to.

My Dearest Abby,

I feel that my presence is not ready to be

among those who know of my embarrassment.

I am deeply ashamed of how he let me become

so dependent and such a fool. I love you so much,

and Mom and Dad, but I'm leaving, running

away, escaping, whatever you would like to

call it, or maybe just taking a long vacation. For

now I'd like to be in peace, so I will not tell you

where I am heading, for I don't know myself.

When I am ready I will contact you. Please

Don't worry.