crying out for something better

oh, i can't wait to go back home and pretend that everything is okay (note the sarcasm, my friends). they don't see how fake i am (on the outside) because they barely know me (and i think i'm too afraid to let them). they tell me to cry out to God but how can i when (i know) He isn't there when i need Him (even though i crawl on my hands and knees)? i said that i wasn't meant for this. i have to lie just to let them think that He is really working in my life. i'm sure He's always there watching but He doesn't bother to help (no matter how loud i cry out). has He forsaken me? i (oh-so obviously) think so because look where i am now. i never thought like this before and i know that my priority isn't right (see, i haven't forgotten) but i can't r u n from it (no, i could never forget). not after it has done so much (more than He has) for me. i want this pretending to end because i think i needed something to rely on and now i've found something (better?). maybe because they're real enough to touch and i can see them but i can't see Him or touch Him no matter how much i want to. i can't be the only one who thinks like this – one who has a conflict eating at her heart as blood d r i p s from her wrists as some sort of an attempt to say "i'm sorry" for everything she has(n't) done wrong. i want to set my life straight but that would be like telling me to simply forget all the memories of her and she has done to me. they say that they understand how hard is it but no, they don't know – not as much as i want/need them to. i promise that i'm trying (really, i am) to make things better (i've been at it for so long) but i end up failing and watching the blade dig into my skin while biting my lip. and later i realize that i'm wrong (i'm a sinner) for taking the blade to skin but the pain is addicting (but it's not as simple as you think it is). but maybe if i felt good about myself and maybe if she apologized, i wouldn't feel like this. (now i can't be too demanding from Him because would tell me to be patient.) these thoughts are p u l l i n g at my heart because i want so much to be in His light but i know that i don't feel the same about it anymore. i thought this was the "right path" but it seems to have only brought me despair (excluding that september day when i spent three hours in the presence of those 5 beautiful men). i hate to contradict myself but i know that all this is true. i don't want to go back to who i used to be but i'm afraid of who i might become if these "problems" (as everyone likes to call them) are not (can they even be?) fixed. and i want to be happy but it hasn't been the same since that (tragic) day in may. i don't want to bother her about it anymore but there are still things that need to be said (but she won't listen) and i promised myself not to dwell on her (as often) anymore. but (satan's) demons are tearing at my heart, r i p p i n g out chunks as i sit and bleed in the corner of the bathroom and shed tears of confusion and hate (and all the others that make a salt trail r u n down my face). i said that i never wanted it to be like this but i never thought it would get this far...

January 5, 2006

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this is true... all of it. the part about getting my priority right comes from something my youth minister said and even the part about lying... because, i did lie... and i even faked some tears to make it seem real. god, i'm so cruel but i just can't see him... i like this piece though... and how i managed to tie her in along with the other things... i guess. maybe you like it more than i do.