I turn to look at the owner of the voice.
He's standing there, looking at me. Looking at me with that LOOK. That look. The look from when he told me about how good ol' dad raped him. The look from when he told me his ex used to beat him.
That fucking LOOK and now I'm wondering what the fuck he's gonna tell me next.
My brother Dimitri sits down next to me on the couch and looks at his hands in his lap. His shoulder-length hair falls in front of his face, neon green tips contrasting against his black hair and pale skin…Well, that green's so fucking neon it contrasts against the color of the limes in our backyard.
"I love you," he says simply. Politely.
"Um, yeah, you too," I reassure awkwardly. We don't express our brotherly love often, but I figure he needs the boost before he told me his next heart-stopper.
I still can't see his face, and his silence is bugging me.
He looks up at me, and though he's smiling, he's crying his little heart out. The tears are pouring down his face; the face that holds no emotion other than dull happiness.
"You're the only person who can call me by my full name without pissing me off," he says.
Okay, what? I mean, I know he has everyone call him Dimi...But...He's finally gone crazy.
Dimitri suddenly looks back down, causing his hair to form a curtain over his face once more.
"I love you," he whispers.
God damn it, if he weren't crying, I'd punch him right now.
"Okay, we already established this. I'm really hoping you w-"
He looked up, and I only saw the desperation in his eyes for a split second before it went out of focus as he cut me off by pressing his lips against mine.
Okay. This is seriously random.
But his lips are moving against mine slowly, and I haven't had a good fuck in a long time…
Lust clouds my mind, shoving logic into a closet with a detonated bomb, locking the door. Our tongues move together, and the bombs about to explode, but my logic screams, 'It will just hurt him!'
Mentally sighing, I think, 'You're right.'
I push Dimitri away. "I'm sorry. I need time to think."
I get up off of the couch and leave him all alone. I can hear his sobs, even as I enter the porch in the front of the house. Plopping down on the front steps, I look up toward the sky.
Dimitri…Loves me like that…
Well, what's a bit of incest sex amongst friends?
I can't say that I've never though of Dimitri like that. I mean, look at the kid; he's beautiful. And it's not like we've never done anything before…
- (Fourth Grade)
"Hey Jake?" Dimitri's cute little six-year-old voice inquired.
We were sitting under the castle thing during recess. It was dark and cold, but we've always liked it like that.
"Have you ever kissed anyone?" his wide eyes looked up at me innocently.
"Yeah, have you?" I'd only just kissed a few friends then. I mean, how serious can things get in fourth grade?
"No," Dimitri sighed, looking down. "I'm scared I'll do it wrong."
"C'mere," I said, patting the ground next to me. He crawled over obediently, and stared up with his innocent eyes…
I leaned down and pecked him on the lips, before saying, "See? Nothing to it."
I knew at that age that brothers weren't supposed to kiss, but Dimitri didn't yet.
"Could you…Show me again?"
- (Ninth Grade)
"Jake?" Dimitri sat down next to me on my bed. I was lying down, looking up at him. "Um…Have you ever made out with someone?"
My eyebrow rose. He wants to know this at age twelve?
"Yes, why? Have you?"
"Yeah, it's just…my girlfriend said that I suck at it," a blush colored his face.
Both of my eyebrows rose. He has a girlfriend and is making out with her at age twelve?!
"Um, well, I'm sorry," I said awkwardly. I was trying to determine if I had nearly as much courage as I did in fourth grade. "You want me to teach you how?"
Apparently I did.
"O…okay," Dimitri looked down at me shyly. He moved down embarrassedly before we crushed our lips together.
Both of us know how wrong it was that time.
- (Eleventh Grade)
Dimitri walked into the kitchen as I rummaged through the refrigerator. I glanced back at him as he jumped up to sit on the island behind me.
"Hey, Jake," he muttered. I grabbed a little bottle of orange juice before closing the refrigerator.
"Yeah?" I turned to look at him.
I'd been going through violent mood swings by then. Things had started piling up…Dimitri had started confiding his secrets in me, I had come out of the closet and dyed my hair, I'd accidentally gotten into a group of thugs…Well, in any case, I'd started getting into a lot of fights.
My personality had changed too; I was usually in a bad mood, just snapping at everything everyone said. But every time Dimitri came to me to talk about something, or ask me something, I couldn't bring myself to be mean to him.
'Course, I was still a little snappy.
"What do you want?" I asked him after a long pause. Cracking open my orange juice, I took a long drink from it, like you would take a drag from a cigarette.
"Um, I'm sorry, I was just…wondering…Iwaswonderingifyou'veevergivenaguyhead?" He said it all really fast and it took me a short while to figure it out.
"Jesus, Dimitri, you're in eighth grade!" I said, nearly choking on my orange juice. "Why do you ask? Have you?"
"It's just," Dimitri ducked his head, his face turning a bright red. "I just…My boyfriend, he…Wanted me to, and…"
"Oh my god, Dimitri," I set down my drink and put my hands on either of his cheeks. I looked up at him, since he was still sitting on the island. "You shouldn't be doing stuff like that at thirteen years old."
"I didn't! I was just…confronted with the idea…But, you never answered my question."
"Uh, well, yes, I have, but-"
"Could you teach me?" He looked at me with a slight desperation. "Pleeease? For future reference," he added, grinning.
I sighed, smiling lightly. "Dimitri, we're siblings. We've gone far enough."
"No, it's just so I don't mess up when doing it with other people! Could you imagine the humiliation if I totally mess up?"
"Hey, I got by without any before-hand practice," I told him.
"Yeah, but you're cool. You wouldn't mess up. I could easily mess up and be subsequently scarred for life!"
I couldn't help but enjoy his slight compliment. "You're still thirteen. I can't."
"Oh, yeah?" Dimitri pushed me into the refrigerator, and plopped off of the island. It wasn't very threatening by now, because after jumping off, he lost almost two feet in height. He looked up at me before leaning in to press out lips together.
One thing lead to another…And Dimitri sure had gotten that lesson he'd wanted.
- (Twelfth Grade / Now)
Dimitri sits down next to me on the front steps. "Hey, Jake?" His voice is whispery and afterwards, he sniffles.
"Yeah?" I reply, my voice kind of gruff.
"Have you…ever been in love?"
I look down at the floor. The one question I'm not sure I can answer. But my thoughts flicker back to my previous memories, and the answer uncovers itself, being the same as always.
"Yes, I am."
There's a pause. Though I know the answer, I still feel the need to ask, "Have you?"
"Yeah…It's just, I'm not sure if…Could you teach me how to do it right?"
I look at him, and his damned hair is covering his face once more. I brush it behind his ear, so now I see his melancholy face.
"I think you're doing it just fine," putting a hand on his cheek, I turn his head so he's facing me, before I press my lips against his, wrapping my arms around his waist and holding his thin body to mine.