Well, I'm not sure about this one. But it sort of came about by itself and I wanted to see if anyone else was intrigued with it as I am. The summary is very tentative since I'm not really sure what this is about just yet. If you're interested in, let me know. If you love it, hate it, want me to continue this or burn it, and please let me know. I'm not sure if I'll keep working on this one or not, yet. As for Back to Life, I should be updating that sometime next week, maybe even sooner. Thanks again to those who have reviewed in the past.
I don't know who to write to. I don't know who to confide in. this whole mess has left me confused and unsure and guilty as hell. I just need to tell someone everything but I have no idea who to turn to.
I think I have a self destructing crush on Vince. But it's more than a crush. It's an intense like. And he has a girlfriend who he lives with. He's never going to leave her. He can tell me a hundred times how he doesn't want to be tied down with one person, but it doesn't matter. Even his friends say how he complains about her all the time, but again it doesn't matter. He's not going to leave her. I should be honest about it. It hurts and I can't say that I don't have hope I'm wrong.
The other night I saw him again. Now I know I have to get over him. I feel like this sad puppy dog that follows him around adoringly. Everyone probably knows I have a crush on him. I know I'm paranoid but I feel like the people around me are laughing about the whole situation. He just makes it worse. I used to think he liked me because of me. But now I know he just likes me because I'm someone new, someone who won't cause a scene and who he can get away flirting with without his girlfriend finding out. And I'm a fool because I fell for it. I'm such an idiot. I really thought he could like me. I thought there was a connection between us. It's all one sided. It's all in my head.
I hate how when I'm around him I feel so carefree. I don't feel self conscious. I can say whatever is in my head, even if I sound like an idiot, I don't seem to care. He makes me forget how depressed I am all the time and like I belong even though I don't. I feel like a teenager with him. I worry I could be falling for him but I don't know him well enough. I just know he makes me laugh and sometimes he stumbles over words and he seems to understand what I don't say when he looks at me.
Last night I kissed him or he probably kissed me, well we just kissed. It was a drunk sloppy kiss since we both had too much to drink but it was still nice. I pulled away first. It was wrong. But it didn't seem wrong at first.
I hate how comfortable I feel with him. Since the first time I met him, I just felt like I belonged. That night he told me he was attracted to me. I just laughed, not getting a chance to reply as our other friends joined us in the car. The next day I learned about his girlfriend. I tried to stay away. I tried to not care. I've told myself over and over he's not the person you want to like. But then he'd come into the room and my heart would leap. Those looks, hidden meanings, small gestures, I wish I still thought they were all in my head. God, I even thought I was imagining what he said that night. I don't get that many people interested in me. I'm a closed off sort of girl. So I just thought I had misheard him when he said "I'm attracted to you. So uh, what are we going to do about it?" then months later, after a handful other quick meetings, I found myself in his company again with his girlfriend nowhere in sight. It was so innocent at first. I was content just to be there him, to talk to him, to be his friend. I thought we could be good friends, though I was just fooling myself. That attraction is too strong. I'm such an idiot. When he started confiding in me when we sat in the corner of the bar, that was when I should have walked away. But I didn't. I stayed. And he asked me why I never wrote to him on MySpace. Why didn't I message him? I could only laugh and ask him why he never messaged me. And then he brought up the night I had decided I'd made up. "Remember that night?" he asked. "You know that moment we had? It was kind of weird." I of course remembered it though I wasn't sure what weird meant. I could only repeat after him, too stunned. The moment had happened. "Weird?" "Well not weird in a bad way. I mean weird in a good way." when he stumbled over his words, I couldn't help but smile at him, leaning in closer despite myself. "I remember"
The rest of the night we were inseparable. Most of his friends had gone home so he probably figured it was safe to talk to me. I don't want to be someone hidden in the wings but I suppose I am to him. That night was a good night. Later, I wrote him. He wrote me. I wrote him again and that was it. Then I saw him once more where he acted very odd or maybe I acted very odd. I started to forget about him once again.
I should have stayed away but my friend is in his band. And I saw them play. I avoided him. I didn't go over to talk to friends of mine who were hanging with him. I wanted to but I was trying not to torture myself. I don't want to be the one who was pathetically following a boy around. Though I turned into that anyway, somehow. But then I bumped into him. I shook his hand and said hi, gulping in his sight before turning away with a smile. Then he followed me. He sat down and talked to me though so much passed between us that was unsaid. So I was stupid and wrote him again, a simple email wishing him a good holiday season. He annoyingly wrote back, wising me the same, asking me what my plans were for new years and ending it with lots of love. Of course I wrote him back. Who writes lots of love? I didn't see him on New Year's Eve.
Instead I saw him two days ago. His band played and I went to see the show. Once again, I shouldn't have but I didn't want to stay away from everyone else. Plus I wanted to see him. I needed one more look. So I went and all my friends left early and I stayed though I shouldn't have. I just wanted to speak with him. It was always just one more conversation, just one more passing look, just one more small touch. So I stayed when I should have gone and then when I finally regained my wits, I left. I had seen him talking to another girl, probably telling her all the same lines as he told me. "There's a connection between us," he had said. I wonder how many connections he's had.
So I left the bar, going to the ATM across the street. Then I crossed the street, intent on finding a cab home with my newly filled wallet. But instead I spotted him standing alone by the door. I crossed the street when I should have kept walking. I crossed the street to stand beside him, like the fool I am. And we talked softly, leaning closer as we watched a policeman running down the street. And he finally said he wanted to kiss me. And I stupidly told him I wanted him to kiss me too. And so he did or I kissed him. Like I said it was a drunken kiss, but it felt right for a moment before I pulled away shaking my head and looking at him warily. We both hurriedly glanced around us but we hadn't been seen. Then I told him I had to find a cab and he said he had to find his car but neither of us moved. Instead we gazed at the bus limo that stretched out before us. Men shouted to strange women on the street to join them and surprisingly they did. We laughed as someone opened the car door and told the women they weren't invited in. I think it was the limo driver or a cop but we never found out.
Instead we started to walk down the street. I was going to find my cab; he was heading to his car. But we walked together and laughed together and talked about nothing and everything together. And I followed him to his car like his tagalong. And we sat there, both wanting the other but managing not to commit our earlier indiscretion. And he drove back to the bar, to load up his equipment and I stupidly waited to say goodbye to him, letting a friend of mine tempt me with the idea of a party. But we were with his friends again so the earlier gentle caring guy wasn't there anymore. He was nice, not mean, but he wasn't the same person who listened to everything I said. He was distant and acted as if he didn't care at all for me, which I know he doesn't. It just hurt to be thrown away so quickly. A few seconds earlier he was smiling and confiding in me. Then this. So I finally came to my senses and hopped into a cab, not before I lost my dignity and self-respect and pride and my faith and a little bit of me as well. I
Like I said, I didn't know who to write to or talk to. I don't want to tell anyone. It will just complicate it more. Besides whom can I tell? My best friend? Yeah right, she's more preoccupied with her own life. She knows I saw his band, she knows I like him. I never admit to liking anyone. I hoped she could see this was important to me but she doesn't. She obsessed with her own boyfriend and has forgotten she had a friend she used to talk to hours on end. A friend she'd tell everything to. Now I'm just like everyone else to her.
Besides, it's embarrassing and degrading and morally wrong. I shouldn't be upset about this. I shouldn't like him. I shouldn't have any contact with him. But just because I shouldn't feel a certain way, doesn't make this hurt any less. God, it's just a stupid crush. This has to go away. It has to. It will, won't it? Like I said, I don't know who to write to. We haven't talked to each other in a while. But you're the only family have. You don't have to write Julian but I had to tell someone. I wish you weren't mad at me and would speak to me. I know you see me. Maybe if I had been stronger. It doesn't matter anymore. I miss you.