I was about to fall asleep at night when the idea for this story came into my head. So I wrote it. There's nothing redeeming about this fic, it's just a love story, plain and simple -- and one of the purest things I've ever written, in a very special way.
When We Were Children
I've known you since when we were children, when we'd play
together in snow and sunshine.
I know you better than you know yourself, if I may be so arrogant to state that. I know your smile, as quick and fleeting as the shy sun darting out from behind its lacy veil of clouds. I know your scent, the sweet flower mixture you purchased when I was with you. I could name the flowers in them. I know your hair, the hair that you'd always pull back into a ponytail when we were children.
Do you remember the races we'd run? I loved seeing you, your hair escaping from its prison to frame your face in dark curls that bounced and shone. You were so beautiful and graceful in everything you did, you are still, an example to me.
I know your body, your slender curves that make everyone gasp in sheer envy. You'd never admit it, but you are so beautiful, you'd just never show off. You never did, anyway, until this year when you cut your beautiful hair short, so short, barely chin-length, because it was in fashion.
We'd never care about fashion before, you tall and slim and smart, me short and dumpy with a laugh that you always smiled at...I love your smile. I love making you smile, but you don't anymore.
I've known every grade you've ever gotten, every thought you've made, every feeling you've expressed. I know you, and I love you because of it.
I used to know every scar on your body, that one from when you fell from the tree when we were eight, that one because you weren't paying attention when we were in Industrial Tech and you sliced yourself, that one...I could tell stories with just the shape of your own scars.
But now you have new scars, scars I've never seen before. I only saw them today because I looked at your body when changing for gym. I hope you don't mind, you're simply too beautiful to ignore... I saw the new scars on your legs, the scars on your wrists. They'll fade away, but their image will remain in my mind forever.
Are you hurting? Are you bleeding, but you won't tell me? Why not? Why can't you trust in me?
Before, you always could trust in me, when we were children and nothing mattered except sharing secrets and life and being together, when we were innocent and we could be ourselves and not be afraid. When did we become afraid? I don't remember. I should remember.
I don't want to remember.
What is causing you pain? Why do you...what are you...is there any way I can phrase my question without you stiffening in fright? I don't want you to be hurt because of me, ever, ever. I want to help you, but I'll need you to tell me how to help...
Do you still believe in what I've always told you? How beautiful you are, how brilliant, you can do anything. Whenever I see you, I stamp out my jealousy with an effort. You're my friend, so that's what I do. It's the least I can do. I'd like to help you so much more, but I'm afraid of offending you in a way I didn't know possible. I don't want you to fear me, I never want you to fear me...
It hurts me, it tears me up, you can't trust me with this secret of yours. And I want you to trust me, there's nothing that will hurt me more than a lack of your trust. So tell me what to do, please.
Because I love you, I don't want you to hate me, but I'm afraid now that whatever I do will be too late. I don't think I could live without knowing your smile is nearby. Please, open up your heart and let me in...one last time, like when we were children and we could do so naturally.