Man discovers species of giant carnivorous duck

Man eaten by giant carnivorous duck

Duck states, "It needed more salt"

Finland- the late professor William "Knock knock come in crash no open the door and come in sorry hello I've got my head stuck in the cupboard shut up sorry I can't see anything my brain hurts shut up Mr. Gumby shut up..." smith (don't ask, it's a very long story) was eaten today by the newly discovered duckasaurus-rex, a species once thought to be extinct, or at least abducted by Martians (the Martians deny all allegations of being ducknappers despite recent findings # )

(# See our December issue!)

The Martians, in turn, blamed a group of one-eyed Viking wiener-dogs (all of which happen to be named Fred) and attempted to prove their case by asking the following:

"How long does it take a cricket with a wooden leg to kick all of the seeds out of a dill pickle; assuming that the afore mentioned cricket is singing 'row-row-row your boat,' and paddling up stream in a carwash, aboard a doghouse, with a sousaphone for a navigator and a block of cheese for a paddle?"

Most unfortunately for the Martians, the Viking wiener dogs answered the question correctly. The correct answer being (as we all know) two because a football field is 100 yards long.

(Authors note: I just reread this report and, due to the fact that it is completely bogus, knocked my self out with a can of creamed corn. I am currently unconscious. Thus, you are all figments of my imagination and (though you may deny it) you do not exist.)