Starbucks

Those bastards are at it again. Starbucks (insert dramatic music here). Pretty soon, the Starbucks Galaxy will be broadcasting our TV shows on the Starbucks Channel (SBC) and our food will be made from a delicate and difficult process that changes coffee beans and grounds into edible but not delectable foodstuffs. The suits in Starbucks' next target, a little mission called Project: Eire.

They are slowly moving from being an oligopoly to being a monopoly. In due time they will become an empire. That is a scientific fact. And how are they doing this? College! They are taking advantage of the suppleness of the average Seamus in Ireland. The first Starbucks in Ireland will be opened near Trinity College. What are the head honchos saying? They're all, "it would give the market a jolt." (1) Yea, sure, it will give it a jolt just like licking the end of a battery. It is a façade! It is part of their slow, grueling world overthrow program, aptly named, Mission: We Are Starbucks, We Rule World. What are the Irish saying to this? One peasant was asked and replied, " Oh aye, Starbucks… ::unintelligible speech::". What are intelligent Irish people saying? "It's all about domination of the marketplace for them," (1). What are the intelligent Irish doing about it? Getting tanked! The classic Irish spirit. What could the Irish be doing? Fighting of course. I wonder if they have forgotten their ancestry. A wee man named William Wallace a.k.a. the baddest mofo to ever walk Scotland a.k.a. Braveheart.

But no, they don't. They continue to let Starbucks monopolize the world. Starbucks show up as fats as bunnies reproduce, and that is very fast. What's more, guess who the person running it is. A Brit! Now how is that for irony. The Irish, a proud yet enslaved peoples, are once under going sub iugum (under the yoke) of the gruesome twosome, Starbucks and Great Britain. The bloody bastard's name is Cliff Burrows.

Starbucks has yet to announce the next country it will take over, introduce its wonderful coffee and delectable treats to. Speculations have loomed over Syria, Argentina, and Guam. Guam is the front runner at the moment.

What can we do to stop this menace you ask? Stop the monopoly. Just like in the magnificent game by the masters of the board, the Brothers Parker, you must lie, cheat, steal, and kill. Stop Starbucks where it stands. If you do not want your children getting up in the morning and saying a prayer to "Los Starbuckos" I recommend blowing up your local Starbucks. You can use the German technique "Kamikaze". This word being taken from the German words "Kami" meaning "coffee" and "kaze" meaning "you-must-now-blow-up-your-local-coffee-provider". It makes perfect sense.

I leave you with these words. Starbucks is quickly leaving its oligopical roots and becoming a monopoly! Beware. Be very very ware. If we are not careful, Vavoom, we will be worshipping Starbucks. Support your locals.