back at the beginning

i feel like i'm back at the beginning –
back to when it all started and i can hear
your voice clearly in my head.
i'm in the same cage again –
the one you put me in without realizing it.
i'm broken, (un-)beautiful, and bleeding on the floor.
didn't you say you would always be there for me?
you didn't come running when you saw the scars on my wrists.
you never gave me comfort when (i thought you knew that)
something was eating at my heart. you didn't question anything.
you ignore(d) it as if doing that would make me better.
i'm telling you the truth and letting you know
that even after everything we've been through
(as friends, of course), i don't have a regret p u l l i n g
at my heart. i don't regret trying to rebuild what we had
(i didn't know it would c r u m b l e).
but the burning tears still come late at night,
dampening the pillow worse than before
because i'm still so confused. my lips utter the same
questions and statements that i've been
repeating in my head since it all started:
how could she do this to me without realizing it?
what else must i do to show her?
i'm tired of feeling like a failure.
i just want her to understand.
then a finger finds its way down my throat,
helping me cough up what i don't want
(but have to have anyways because those parents of mine
couldn't bare to have their little girl lost in a case of bulimia).
the same (silent) words t e a r at my heart
when nothing else can fill my mind.
i try to p u s h it all away but i even fail at that too.
i never thought that i could be so weak
and i never thought we would come to this.
i'm sorry for all the things i tried to do.

January 14, 2006