i am a fool

chewed and bloody hangnails scrape against already
bloody arms and through gritted teeth, i still
find the voice to say, "this is what makes me
strong." but then, why is it that i am so weak?
i bite my tongue as blade cuts skin and i can only
focus on her and what she makes me do. "what
a fool i was to ever call her my friend," i utter
with tears pouring, leaving a black trail from
blotchy eyeliner. i knew i was a fool the moment
i saw her walk away without looking back (not
knowing i would never see her again). "and i
trusted her when she said that things would
be okay," i mumble, licking salty tears from
chapped and broken lips. i feel worthless and
hopeless as i tuck the blade away and watch as
(my own crimson) blood drips into the water,
melting and becoming nothing (just like she makes
me feel). i thought i was meant for more than
this. and i can still remember all that i tried
to do and i remember when i thought there
was hope (at a football game in 2004 when we
reminisced about the past and it was like that
gap in the summer had never happened.
and.i.thought.things.would.be/get.better. howfoolish.)
but now, it seems to have only brought more sorrow
(but i didn't realize that until may of 2005 when
i couldn't feel anything anymore ((the numb-
ness was eating at my heart)) and the blade
became such a good friend ((?)) ). i can't forget
how hard i tried to work things out but she ignored
it (me) as if it (i) was nothing and now she doesn't even
care (no matter how much i bleed for her to
create new scars amidst healing purple and pink
ones). and i hope that guilt and shame runs
through the blood in her body because she deserves
hurt like she put me through (though it could never
sum to mine). this isn't what i saw myself to be
but then again, i never fathomed the pain she
would cause (because we were such good friends).
and she doesn't realize that she kills me each day.

January 24, 2006

------

this started out being in 3rd person but i changed it because there were some things i wanted to add that could be put into 3rd person so there, it is. 1st person and everything.