this isn't allowed

no, i'm not supposed to feel like this.
i'm not supposed to bleed from the wrists
by (self-inflicted) wounds caused by deadly
words of b r o k e n promises and empty lies.
i'm not supposed to cry tears of hate (for myself)
and sorrow (of being alone) and i'm not supposed
to cry for her (because she doesn't realize
my pain no matter the amount of tears i cry).
i'm not supposed to make myself vomit
(in order to be perfect for her and everybody else).
and daddy's little girl was never supposed to think
of suicide and gladly want to die (because no one cares).
but she wasn't supposed to mean this much to me
to lead me to (silent) self-destruction as i bleed,
b r o k e n, and (un-)beautiful because
they say beautiful girls don't bleed
(but no one's told me that i am beautiful).
and even with scars on my wrists,
i'm not supposed to want to do it again and again.
but she makes me bleed like it was supposed to happen.

January 29, 2006