A/N: Unfortunately, this isn't a World Domination Plan, but it is still funny. So, enjoy!


Ralf The Lonely Sock

"The world is so cruel! So evil! No one cares about a sock without a mate, no one at all! I sit in this stinking drawer day in and day out, smelling my own odors! Strange socks have come, and my friends have gone. I miss my mate, and I miss him a lot. He was my other half…he made me whole! But now, what am I? Am I anything? What is my purpose in life? Oh these rancid musings that I turn over in my head…toe…heel? Oh I don't even know what body parts I have anymore! Larry! I miss you!"

"Umm, Ralph, I'm right here."

"I am all alone! Now I hear him in my head! I am the only French colored sock, and I am among all of these…white ones!"

"Idjit. If you had eyes, you'd know that I'm laying over here beside you."

"If I had hands I would kill myself! I am so forsaken! I will go through my life, not knowing whatever happened to Larry! Did the dryer eat him? Or did a big meteor kill him?"

"RALPH!!! Quit your blubbering! I was bleached. I'm still French colored at heart, just white on the outside! Get a hold of yourself man…sock!"

"Larry? I— is that you? I think I hear you in that infinite abyss called my mind? You are dead! I hear your spirit! You were bleached, and then eaten! Now your specter lays beside me here in this awful dresser drawer!"

"I can't believe I was his mate? What loon of a manufacturer put me with this idjit?"

"Who said that? Which one of you evil white socks said that mean thing about Larry? Larry was happy to be my mate! I know he was, and yall can't say nothing to ever change that!"

"If I had hands, I'd slap you right now Ralph. You're insane."

"Yeah, well, ya don't have hands, so HA!"

"How unfortunate."

"Gasp! The drawer is opening! How depressing because I know that the hand that is coming towards me will not pick me up because I am alone! Still yet the hand comes! Why?"

"Finally someone is going to take this idjit away from me!"

"The hand! It has me! For what purpose do I serve to you? Sock puppet you say? How fortunate! I have a purpose in life now, I no longer have to morn over the meaningless loss of Larry!"

"Well, Ralph's gone. Now I'm alone. How depressing. I serve no purpose in life! The world is so cruel! So evil! No one cares about a sock without a mate, no one at all!"