she's just like you

i had to read it from her in an e-mail sent in september
of 2005 that you told her that we were having
"friendship problems." yet, you never came to me
to spill your heart out but instead you ran to her
when it was i that wanted/needed you and
maybe you needed me too but i never have found
out. and she wrote that your friendship with her
was "unhealthy." but now, i see that things
could never be better for the two of you (as i sit
in my bedroom, wiping away tears and blood).
and she said that she was "honestly not surprised (as
terrible as that sounds)" that i brought blade to
skin. but is she surprised that after months, i'm
still willing to bleed (for you) in (futile) attempts
to make myself perfect for you (and maybe even
for her)? she even said she was sorry that you "blew
me off to hang out with her." and did you
tell her all the things that you want(ed) but were too afraid
to tell me? perhaps about how it hurt(s) you to know that
i bleed (though you've done nothing to stop me).
she told me not to "connect" her with you but
how can i not when it was her you ran to instead of me?
because it hurts to know that maybe you
actually cared about our decaying friendship but
apparently, didn't care enough to speak to me face-
to-face (what a coward). and all those times when
i was "living just fine" were the times i spent
with you whether it was with only you and even
her a few times (and i remember how we pitched
a tent in your backyard and mouthed silly phrases
like "olive soup" ((i love you)) but eventually came
back into your house because she was too frightened
by the night so we slept in your living room on the floor).
and it's memories such as those that make me bleed
because once.you.actually.cared. and maybe even
she cared but now silence has embedded its way into
your throats (when it comes to speaking to/about me).
but when you spoke (lies & empty promises), you
weren't afraid. it's more difficult than you and she can
imagine because if i can't have you, i'd rather have the blade.

February 7, 2006

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i know this may sound silly since i based this off 2 e-mails that i got from her friend. all of this is true. everything. i was going through my e-mail and i just happened to run across this. i put it in my 'important' folder like i would need it for later and apparently, this is what i get from it. and all that she said was lies. she only said it to make me feel better because she's back to theonethatmakesmebleed like nothing ever happened.

god, this is stupid. how pathetic can i get when i have to use e-mail?