Commercialize This


Guess what everyone! It's that time of year again! You know the one, Valentine's Day. When people go out of their ways to let their loved ones know just HOW loved they are. When hearts and flowers and candies are given out to all your 'sweet hearts.' When every guy on the planet finds it as an excuse to try and get into their girlfriend's pants… You know what I mean, right?

But, more importantly, it's the time of year when money-hungry card companies like Hallmark take advantage of peoples' moronic tendencies to up the prices on their gift cards because we all know that what every person wants for V-Day is an over-priced, clichéd piece of reject poster board with enough cheesy lines on them to make even the biggest loser annoyed. But, who can complain, the companies make a killing off of them every year, which must mean something, right? Right?

What about some of those cute candy heart things! Don't even get me started. It's another cheap-ass market ploy that convenience stores came up with to rake in some profit during the dead months of the year. I guess it must have worked, considering millions of the damn things get sold EVERY year, but honestly! It's starting to make me lose faith in our races' intelligence. Not only are they stupidly overpriced, but they taste about as good as chewing on one of those chalkboard erasers for an hour straight. Who would want to eat those? They probably make better chalk pastels than candy! And, let's face it, when a food item makes a better art supply than the food it's marketed as, that's bad.

And let's not forget EVERY girl's favorite part. Chocolate. Now, unlike overpriced cards and slightly-less-than-edible chalk candies, which are only available at this time of year, you can buy it year round. Yet, it never ceases to amaze me that by this time even their prices have doubled! Let's see… on any old regular day I could go to the local grocery store and pick up a plain old Hershey bar for about a dollar… But not on this day! Oh no, on this day they're too good to be only a dollar! Know why? Because instead of having the plain brown wrapper on them that says "Hershey's" they have to go and make it look all cute with hearts and cupids and the like. Not only is that an insult to my intelligence (another cheap-ass market ploy to get more for the same damn amount and quality of chocolate), but its' also an insult to whatever those pretty little recycled wrappers were in a previous life.

Okay, now, I'd like to say I'm sorry, I really would. But, know what? I can't. Know why? Because it's stupid. If people can go out and spend twice as much for the things they can buy any other day for a sane price, just because it's Valentine's Day, I'm going to laugh, and I'm going to mock you. No one's smart enough to realize that this day, like so many other 'holidays', are just thought up by the government to give themselves even more days off than they deserve, or some weird-ass market scheme thought up by retailers to con even more unsuspecting morons out of a few bucks.

Now, before you go and flame me for being overly cynical and trashing your favorite holiday of the year, I'm going to add this. Don't bother saying I'm just angry because I don't have a significant other to spend the day with. In fact, I have a boyfriend. And I promise you; I'll tell him the same thing I said here. In fact, if he so much as offers me a card or candies, I'm going to promptly shove them up his ass and yell at him for being a dumb ass and buying into this whole Valentine's Day bull crap...

Now, with that out of my system, Happy Valentines Day!


Lisa Kantenseter