lies versus truths

what would/could have happened if your lies were spoken as truths
and your promises were never broken? (with cracked & bleeding lips)
i repeat these things and try to think that if everything you said wasn't
fake, i wouldn't be bleeding (crying & vomiting) for you. and i wouldn't
feel the need to lodge the bullet into my brain (with your name carved
upon it so everyone will know what you have done to me). if this is
how you want(ed) things to be then you sure have a hell of a way to
show it (through silence i had to learn that this is what we were meant to
be). and if none of this had ever happened, i wouldn't have had to spend
four months, one day of each week, sitting in a therapist's office, fighting
back tears, scratching at my wrists & lying just to get out of that place
(yes, yes, you see, i don't have a need for that anymore because she said
i was doing so well and that i just need to get used to my new environment
((the one that doesn't include you)) so can you tell me why i still bleed for you
and why it still hurts ((like hell)) to even think about you?). don't you see
that i don't want to bleed for you anymore (though burning acid tears are just
fine) but i can't control it anymore. (almost) nine months of silence has
sliced enough scars into skin but i just can't help it... and i should have
never believed you when you said we were best friends because now i
know you were (are) a liar from the very beginning (even though a part of
me wishes for it to have been the truth & not another one of your lies).

February 14, 2006