Pretend

It's killing me inside

Not only because I love him

But because I am sorry for the things

that I've done wrong

I have said things

That I shouldn't have

I have said things he did not deserve

I said things that I did not mean

I practically said that I never want to see him again

I didn't mean it at all

I don't want to not see him

I want to see him everyday

But that doesn't work

His past

It's not the greatest

He has sorrow within his soul

And the day he had the chance to take it away

I had to go and be stupid

Like I always am

And I had to say things that brought him down

And now those things I said

Are coming back to haunt me

Coming back inside my mind

Replaying themselves over and over again

Making me hate myself even more

Because I said things that I did not mean

And it just kills me

Making me wonder

"Did those words really come from my mouth?"

I can not believe that I said it

And he says it's okay

Even though he keeps trying to convince me that it's okay

I still can't help but blame myself

I know that I was hurt

And that I was mad and upset

But now I am confused

Why is it that even though I am hurt

I still put on a mask?

I put on this mask and pretend that everything is okay

And I tell everyone that I'm doing great when they ask how I am

And no matter how horrible things are

I still say I'm great

When things go wrong why must I stay in a shell?

Why must I only tell myself my problems?

Why do I lie and say I'm fine

When my insides are churning?

When will I take off my mask of pretend?

When will I realize that I'm not playing dress up anymore?

Right now

At this very moment

My mask is off

I threw it away

In the trash

I will not again

Pretend