It's killing me inside
Not only because I love him
But because I am sorry for the things
that I've done wrong
I have said things
That I shouldn't have
I have said things he did not deserve
I said things that I did not mean
I practically said that I never want to see him again
I didn't mean it at all
I don't want to not see him
I want to see him everyday
But that doesn't work
It's not the greatest
He has sorrow within his soul
And the day he had the chance to take it away
I had to go and be stupid
Like I always am
And I had to say things that brought him down
And now those things I said
Are coming back to haunt me
Coming back inside my mind
Replaying themselves over and over again
Making me hate myself even more
Because I said things that I did not mean
And it just kills me
Making me wonder
"Did those words really come from my mouth?"
I can not believe that I said it
And he says it's okay
Even though he keeps trying to convince me that it's okay
I still can't help but blame myself
I know that I was hurt
And that I was mad and upset
But now I am confused
Why is it that even though I am hurt
I still put on a mask?
I put on this mask and pretend that everything is okay
And I tell everyone that I'm doing great when they ask how I am
And no matter how horrible things are
I still say I'm great
When things go wrong why must I stay in a shell?
Why must I only tell myself my problems?
Why do I lie and say I'm fine
When my insides are churning?
When will I take off my mask of pretend?
When will I realize that I'm not playing dress up anymore?
At this very moment
My mask is off
I threw it away
In the trash
I will not again