You don't know that I like you. You don't know that I wanted you to be my valentine. You don't see it when I constantly glance at your table at lunch, you don't know my secret motives for taking water to Sarah, you don't know that when I talked about not getting any flowers, I was wishing I got one from you. You don't know the urge I had to send you a valentine. You don't know that I like you but that I really wish I didn't. You don't know that I'm suddenly thinking about you and that I hate it. You don't know that I wish you liked me back.
In me, you see a friend. Someone you can laugh with and do bio labs with, that you compete with for grades and joke around with. You don't see me as anything else.
I don't want you to think that I'm not cool with that, because I see you as the same thing. But it's those little moments every now and then when I think of you and smile. It's the little moments where I poke you with my pencil, or draw smiley faces on your notes. It's those moments when you smile at me, or when we're joking, or when we're in bio or social studies laughing, or when we're arguing. It's those little things that build a friendship but also tend to build something more.
It's the fact that I would call you my friend, but you probably wouldn't call me yours, just because you're a guy. It's the fact that we have a great time together, but I know that you don't search me out. Ever.
No one knows. I haven't told anyone, but I'm surprised no one has figured it out with the way I act around you. No one, including you, knows that if I could choose anyone, it would be you.
Even now that you've bleached your hair. It's hard to decipher your curls among the yellow from a distance, but up close, they're still there. Even in a few days, when you're shaving all your beautiful curls off. It won't change how I feel. Because it's not superficial.
We're friends because we're comfortable with each other. We laugh and joke and argue and compete. We help each other and get along.
That's where this is all coming from. There are days when I wonder if you're one of the reasons I get up in the morning. You aren't the sole reason, but you're in it.
You're someone I could see going off to a fancy school, but also someone who could simply jet away to SRU and be exactly the same. I don't even know if you're thinking about the future, but I do. And I think about the fact that one day, we might not see each other again. Scarily, that could come as soon as next year.
We clash. Majorly. Families, income, lifestyle. Those things are petty, but at this point I'm scrounging for reasons to keep my distance.
You don't know. In fact, you'll probably never know. It will probably be better that way.
But right now this is how I feel. Don't break me.