what i want

with bloody arms, i'm reaching out to You in vain.
i need You (but i'm not sure i want You). and by all
this, i hope You understand how hard it is for me to
turn to You when after so long, i've turned to other
things for comfort. but i don't want You to turn away
from me (like i feel like You have been doing). because
i need so much to know what it is that You want me to do.
even though, there are moments when i can truly feel
Your presence, it isn't (hasn't been) enough to keep the
blade hidden. (Satan has sent his demons to me and i can hear
them taunting me, laughing coldly, and smiling in delight.)
and it's just so hard to be that way when i am so far from the
very people who made me this way (and though it should be
good for me to be away from her, it hurts more than anyone
((but You)) can fathom). i want to know that when i die by
the gun (by my own hands), You'll be there with open arms
to welcome me and tell me that pain no longer exists because
i just need Your comfort. forgive me, i'm so sorry for doing
this but this is what i want more than anything. bang

February 19, 2006

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the ending is crap.