screaming at nothing

and it's all in the way i screamed for you, collapsing on the stairs with tears falling. (oh god, she doesn't understand but i know she is trying and i don't want to be like this.) and i clutched my wrists, scratching, screaming out all of my anger (the secret torment of my soul) because no one was home and oh, i just needed a gun – a gun – a gun. (oh, i want you to tell me everything because i don't want to be like this.) god, she said that she can't (won't) get through to me because i twist words around to make her see only my pain but no, no, no, i don't, i don't. it's just that i can't put my hurt in words to make sense. and she said the same things my therapist said to me (do you know how she feels? do you think you could explain to her how you feel?)no, it's not that easy, it's just not that easy. don't you want to be happy? she asked me and i felt the acid words sting like fresh new cuts make onto skin. yes, oh god, yes, i want to be happy (but how can i be when you told her all that i just want to hear?) and she says that you are too afraid (and i guess that makes two) because i gathered the courage to write you three letters and broke down at the first, spilling so many tears that i just had to call my (real) best friend. no, no, don't compare it to my situation because though she fought what she did (i can't dare speak, it's a secret, she said), i'm fighting more than that. and i crawled up the stairs and into the bathroom and i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because the tears make me ugly (along with the scars). and i fell to my knees and i screamed words of how i couldn't take this and how i just want you to see and how she was never meant to be a part of this. and i wanted the blade – oh god, i wanted/needed it so bad but i've made enough cuts this week to last me months and i spilled my fear out to my best friend and said that this was never meant to happy (like the way she said it was never supposed to happen to you) but life takes unexpected turns. and she (my best friend) told me to ignore her and just focus on you. and i have, i will, and i just can't stop and though we may be able to speak together (with tears), i can't take you back (if that's what you want) because i told her (your best friend) that no matter what, i will never be able to look at you in the eyes again without remembering how much you fucking hurt me (even though she says you feel the same but no – you don't because i've shed so much fucking blood for you that it's ((such)) a shame i'm not dead from lack of blood). and i need this bullet as much as i need to hear everything from you (and as much as i need the scars on my wrists). when will this end? she said i am (was?) a strong person and i could tell if i wanted but if i was strong, wouldn't i be over you? would i still be bleeding (crying & vomiting) if i am (was?) really that strong? but i really am strong (i'm not dead yet) because i showed courage by talking to her (and not ignoring it like i wanted to). oh god, i don't need this, i don't want this. everything i've ever felt (pain, torment, guilt, regret, hate, love, hopelessness, and confusion just to name a few) is eating at my heart (it's not coming from your mouth – oh please, don't be afraid). and i told her that maybe we aren't meant to patch things together (sew them together from this thread of blood mixed with your lies) and she countered back (didn't she say that i was twisting words?). no one was there to hear me scream and i felt so helpless (like so many times before), screaming for the gun (oh god, please). i said i couldn't force you to do anything but i just want you to tell me. (haven't i said that this life of mine revolves around you?)

February 21, 2006

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author's note: i don't know what's happening. suddenly her best friend is telling me everything that i want to hear from her (theonethatmakesmebleed) and i guess she thinks it's going to make me feel better but i just don't know... it's making things worse.

and yes, this is true - all of it (why wouldn't it be?). i can't believe how much i cried today. it's insane because i swear i've never cried so much before & i've never been so suicidal before. and there i was screaming, at the wall, banging at it, while collapsed on my stairs, like the wall was listening to me but it wasn't. i'm such a horrible person. i can't believe how much this is effecting me. and i can't believe that her best friend is telling me and not her. that's what hurts the most.

i know this may seem like a big jumble but this is close to me because i just don't understand anything about myself anymore.

and yes, i know this is a prose. i haven't written one in a few weeks. i hope you enjoyed.