are we even?

i screamed all that i want(ed) to you to know
(see & hear) at the blank white wall, repeating
all the things that can't help but drip from my
mouth. if we were meant for more than this,
please show me how (instead of knowing how
much i suffer as i write words such as these).
i've waited so long to know all the things i know
now and i know not that you are (were?) too
afraid to tell me everything (oh, why does that
bring such relief?). but imagine all the pain you
could have saved me (and you?) from. no, i don't
think i ever hurt you as much but you bring me
to my knees with bloody wrists and acid tears
along with suicide thoughts. and maybe if all of
this works out then i could finally die happy.

February 21, 2006