The Nameless Diary

Written by Laurana Schultz

January 1st, 2005- 12:23 am

Dear Diary,

Hello New Year! I stayed the night over at Cee's house. She had a big New Years Eve party and, it was so much fun. I say the best part about it was being able to spend time with all my buddy's and Kevin! I got to spend the day with him too! Kevin is just the absolute best! I haven't really came up with a new years resolution yet, I don't really even know why I'm gonna do one if I do, because they are just pointless things that just don't make any sense cuz you could do that at any time of the year. shrug New year, new Diary, gotta love it. Ya know Diary, I sometimes think that you are one of my closest friends, and that is saying a lot, cuz you can't even talk back to me.

January 2nd, 2004- 5:45 am

Dear Diary,

I had awakened this morning with tears streaming down from my eyes because of the terrifying dream I had. In my dream, I saw my closest guy friend in the world and my mini-savior of life die.

I remember in my dream, Kevin was walking me home from school and just as we were crossing the street a red mustang GT convertible flew around the corner and almost hit us, but it didn't because Kevin pushed us out of the way. We continued walking down the street talking about what had just happened and how awesome I kept telling Kevin he is for pushing us out of the way so we didn't get hit. We crossed the street again and we stopped in front of my house to continue our conversation before we parted our ways until 5:00 tonight for youth group. After we separated, I went inside the house to my room to do my homework and I was in the middle of doing my Creative Writing essay when my brother came into my room kicking and screaming his usual routine of complaining cuz he didn't get his way again. I told him to get out of my room, so he left and went complaining to my sister Ana.

At 5:00 Kevin called me and when he called (Ana came in asking me how it is that I have a guy calling me, because I am so stupid, ugly wired ect.) and told me that he was on his way to come and get me for us to go to youth group. I got ready and then when he got to my house, I grabbed my purse, guitar, and bible and then I left. In the car we were listening to Dc Talk's song "What if I stumble?" and were talking about how excited we were for youth group tonight. We were both really excited about tonight, mainly because tonight, was gonna be the first night that we got to be in the worship team, I had finally learned the music on the guitar, and he had learned it for the piano. On the way there about a mile away from church a car hit us on the driver's side of the car. Kevin swerved the car and we ended up coming to a stop because of the telephone pole.

I had blacked out and I had no idea what was going on, when I woke up in the hospital later on, begging the doctors to let me see Kevin. I had to make sure he was okay; I just couldn't stand the thought of him being hurt. It hurts me to even imagine him being hurt in any way possible. I was begging the doctors to let me see Kevin, and finally they did. I walked into the room where he was; I glanced at him and broke down. I keep getting this image in my mind of him lying there, helpless, alone, covered in blood and broken glass.

I then ran to the lobby and called Cee, she rushed over and we sat there together crying and praying for him to be okay. At exactly 8:13pm the doctor came up to Cee and me and told us that Kevin had died of massive blood loss.

I'm so scared right now; I just don't know what I am going to do! I'm so scared, what if this dream turns out to be true?!?! What am I going to do? Oh God please help me, Wash away this image from my mind, and protect Kevin forever and always. I just hope and pray that this doesn't happen.

January 4th, 2004- 7:29 pm

Dear Diary,

(Holiday break is over)

About 20 minutes ago I was talking to Kevin. He told me that he liked me! I was talking to him about the next poem that we have to write for Creative Writing and then out of no where, Bam he said it. "Charlie, I like you." I'm just amazed at the moment because I NEVER would have expected it. I have liked him for about 3 months now as you know. And I just…Wow, I guess is all I can really say at the moment. I just never expected it. Wow, just wow!!!! I can't believe it, it's just crazy. Out of all people no, not once did I ever EVER expect this. It's just craziness of life I guess.

January 5th, 2004- 5:08 pm

Dear Diary,

Today at school there was this really big awkwardness between me and Kevin, I think it's because now we both know that the other is watching them. Ugh, it just sucks. Oh well, I guess it will all pass soon enough......Kevin called me a little while ago. He was talking to me about waiting a while before we hook up. He said we should wait about 4 months, I find 4 months to be to0 long. But hey, why take a chance now of screwing up anything that might become? So 4 months it is.

January 7th, 2004- 10:32 am

Dear Diary,

ACK! I hate myself and my stupid dreams that turn out to be true! No no no no no no no no. WHY? Why did that dumb car have to us? The car just came out of no where and just decided, hey why not go hit a few teens today. Great, if the rest of my dream becomes true where I live and Kevin dies, I am going to shoot myself!

January 7th, 2004- 3:06 pm

Dear Diary,

I am soooo hating myself right now. Kevin died, Kevin is dead! Why him out of all of the people in the world, why did it have to be him? Why my mini-savior? Why the one guy who liked me? No, this didn't happen, it's just another dream, it has to be! (Cee just slapped me to show me that it is happening and that I am awake!) Why did this happen to me, why to his family, why to his friends who care. WHY? I just don't get it. I don't know if I am going to be able to handle this all. I mean, I am currently blaming myself for this accident. It's my entire fault because if I wasn't too lazy to walk to youth group today then Kevin wouldn't have driven, and if he didn't drive us there (in attempt), none of this would have happened! So it is ALL my fault, no matter what anyone else says or tries to tell me, it IS my fault. But why him, why him, why, why, why, WHY?

January 7th, 2004- 7:45 pm

Dear Diary,

Right now, if none of it all happened I would be on the phone with Kevin just talking and going on and on about how there is nothing to do and how bored I am, but no, I can't, and am just sitting here crying uncontrollably. I just don't know what I am going to do, what will I do? I don't think that I will ever survive from this horrific accident. Obviously as you can tell, I didn't shoot my head off for my dream being true (yet or at the moment) I just don't know what I am going to do! Oh God help me please! I need you, I need comfort, I need help, and I need Kevin! I just don't know what I am going to do anymore. I mean, Diary, could you imagine losing me? I am here for you everyday, telling you all my secrets, what would you do? Oh I just give up; there is nothing I can do that will bring Kevin back to me, ever. I have to figure out a way to make things okay in my world again, but how is the true question?

January 8th, 2004- 6:45 am

Dear Diary,

I couldn't sleep last night. I just couldn't get over the fact that he is gone. I just, am so confused and I don't know what I am going to do. His death is killing me inside my mind. I wonder if there is anything that I can do to help his family out. While I'm sitting here mourning cuz my best friend is gone, his parents are probably on the verge of death coming to realize that he is gone. How can I be so selfish, I'm here complaining cuz I care and will miss him, I can't even imagine how they are feeling and what about his brothers and sisters? Ugh, I just feel so stupid and immature. I just don't understand at all why it had to happen to him. Why the greatest person in the world, who never did anything wrong, who only tired to bring people closer to God, who loved God with all his heart and more.

January 8th, 2004 – 2:58 pm

Dear Diary,

It is now exactly one day since he has died. I just don't know how I will go on. Oh God bless his family and friends, help them to cope with getting over Kevin's tragic death. I pray Lord that by his death the people affected by it, will come in search of you, for that was Kevin's dream. I guess I just have to get on with it, I mean, he is gone yes, but I all of the people effected by this need to go on. We need to do what Kevin would have wanted us to do. Live our lives on, fallowing God, comforting each other, and just let it go. He would always talk to me about what he thought his calling for him to be on this earth was. I remember one day last year when we were talking about our purposes, he said that he believes and knows that his purpose on this earth is to help spread the word of God, and to bring people closer to God. I think that my calling is to finish what he started, to bring this entire world to a revolution of religion, the religion of Jesus Christ. I really believe that my job here is to help his friends and family cope with his death, and a strategy to coping with it, would be to bring people to the Lord. Because only the Lord can change the way we are feeling right now. Only He can be our back guard, only for him must we raise our swords and fight. Only for him, we shall shed tears of sorrows, for he is the one who puts a purpose and plan out there for us.

January 9th, 2004- 10:32 pm

Dear Diary,

I decided to start my calling at another youth group besides my own. I went to Oben and I spoke there about how we must fight for God, I talked about what Kevin had said to us not to long ago. I talked about how we have to raise our swords and fight for God. Because He is the only one worth fighting for, because He is the one who put us here on this earth, only the creator of all is worthy of my sword. He did not create Adam and Eve for them to go sinning around forever, but he created them to bring people to Him. We must think of God as a King, and we are his children. Sometimes the physical father can not take care of the things we need them to, as in emotional support, or even physical support. And that is why we have God. He is there for us in so many ways. He is there for us in our mind, hearts, and souls. At Oben tonight, I made a new friend. Her name is Jasmine. I don't know what it is about her, but there was something about her that just clicked in my mind. Making me want to get to know her, and become friends with her. She is a really cool person. She said that she is gonna go to Jolt with me tomorrow. I think she is going like it. Most that come there do.

January 10th 2004- 9:50 pm

Dear Diary,

Jasmine did come to Jolt tonight, she loved it! I knew she would. She is gonna sleep over sometime next week. (We hope) We are gonna go to the movies, walking around downtown….I can't wait, It's gonna be so much fun. Jasmine is so the coolest.

January 11th 2004- 10:10 am

Dear Diary,

Today is Kevin's funeral. I am going to go up and speak about him. I'm not feeling as bad about it all as I thought that I was going to. Which is a surprise to me, because I love him and miss him dearly, but I know that he is okay, and that I will be too.

January 11th, 2004- 4:20 pm

Dear Diary,

I am now in Kevin's room. After the funeral there was the reception at his house. Just sitting here on his bed makes me miss him so much. But I'm doing okay (so don't worry.) I am doing okay, because I am remembering all of the good times we had together. I know that I will miss him and I do, but I also know that the time we spent together was just the best times of my life. I am just so grateful that I am able to spend my time remembering all of the good times we had together. Jasmine came to the funeral even though she didn't even know him. She said she felt like she had to come even though she didn't know him, but she felt as if, she knew him so much and as if she knew him all her life, just by me telling her some things about him. Gotta love her…Cee came too…We broke down together, we were there crying in each others arms for about an hour just trying to get over the fact that he is gone. I miss him so much, but I understand that it was his time.

January 11th, 2004-9:42 pm

Dear Diary,

At home again, today, was actually so much better than what I expected it was going to be. I expected to break down crying non-stop all day. But actually, the only times I cried was when; I gave my speech, was in Kevin's room, when I broke down with Cee, and when Kevin was buried. That just really killed me to see him going inside a box in the ground forever. sigh But I guess life goes on no matter what happens. Well, if you die, your life ends, but everyone else's will go on, unless if they kill themselves because they love you so much. (I hope no one does that because of Kevin's death. Though I love him dearly and it would show how much they too care about him. I must say, life is too short to waste) Tomorrow is going to be a new day, just as always. That's the best thing about tomorrow, it never really comes, but yet everyday there is a new tomorrow the next morning.

January 12th, 2004-10:30 am

Dear Diary,

I'm going out of town for the next month…I'm going to stay with Dad for a while. I can't bring you with me because dad doesn't think Diary's are good for you. He says that they corrupt your mind and remind you of the past. And Living in the past, is bad. I'm excited about going to Dad's because I don't get to see him all that much, but I am still gonna miss town Dad wants me to start visiting more often, he says he wants to get to know his "Darling Daughter."

January 13th, 2004-6:45 am

Dear Diary,

This will be my last entry until February, I'm leaving for the airport in about 6 hours I do want to go, but yet, I don't. I am hoping that something interesting will happen while I am there.

February 14th, 2004- 8:50 pm

Dear Diary,

I had so much fun with Dad, which is a major surprise to me. Usually nothing happens when I'm there…The first night I got there, dad had a friend over named Mike, and Mikes son was there too, his name was Mason. Dad's friend Mike is just so nice. He took me shopping! And even better, Mike's son Mason is supper awesome. Mason and I spent most of my time there together. We exchanged numbers, e-mails, addresses, and pictures.

It took me forever to unpack when I got home since I came home with so much more than I went there with. Then of course, mom made me show her all that I got when I was there. So that took forever. I got home at about 1:00 this afternoon and I've been catching up with mom and unpacking since. Mom went to the store to get some ice cream, so I got some away time to write you. When she gets back we're gonna watch a movie and pig out on ice cream. The crazy thing is that we never did anything like this before. Maybe it's cuz she missed me and couldn't stand me being with dad for a month. Or maybe it's cuz l-day is coming up too. L-day just sucks, I think that it was just the hardest thing me and my mom ever had to get through. And it's almost been 16 years since Dad left us all alone.

I sometimes can't help but to get mad at him, but I can understand thought because there is absolutely no point in faking a relationship that doesn't exist. I guess he just stopped loving her. I wonder what makes you stop loving a person, or what makes you think that you are in love in the first place. Maybe someday I will find out. I am hoping I wont the same way dad did though. Especially the leaving part, I really don't want to have to leave. I have just decided that when I'm older, no matter how hard things get in my relationship with my husband, I will never leave. Especially if there are kids involved, cause I know what it's like having a parent leave, it's just hard. Mom's back, yay…Movie time!

P.S.

Did nothing for Valentines Day, if Kev were still here I would have spent the day with him at the light house, because we love it there so much. (Or if he had something else planed for us to do) Miss Kevin a lot, only broke down from missing him 4 times while I was away. Glad that Mason and Dad were no where near, I wouldn't want them to see me cry.

February 15th, 2004- 4:37 pm

Dear Diary,

Mason just called me. We were on the phone for 3 hours! That's more than I've ever talked on the phone in one day, yet alone with the same person, and he's gonna call me when he gets home from swim practice. It's crazy (Most I've ever talked on the phone was for 3 ½ hours, and that was with Kevin….I am super bored, so I am gonna tell you the first few minutes of our conversation:

"Hello?"

"Hiya, is Charlie there?"

"Yea, hold on a minute, I'll go get her for you"

"Ello?"

"Hey Charlie, it's Mason, how are you doing?"

"Hey Mason, Ummm I'm doing pretty well. What about you?"

"Ugh, I can't complain, I'm unexplainably happy today"

"Ooh, that's sweesome"

"Sweesome?"

"Yes, sweesome, awesome and sweet combined into one."

"Ah, I see. So how's life?"

"Strange, but it's going good. Last night, me and my mom watched a movie, and pigged out on ice cream. This was very strange because, we never do or have done anything like that. It's like, ever since I got back she just wants to hang out with me and spend time with me"

"And is that a good thing?"

"I think so…So how is life over by you?"

"Ah, got my application for DCDS today in the mail"

"Awesome, I think mine might come tomorrow. I hope it does. I want to go to that collage so bad; it's been my dream since like, I was in 6th grade."

"Best part about it is that it's the top drama school in the US"

"Wait, before we can start partying about going to DCDS, I think we should fill out the app and get accepted first don't ya think?"

"Yea I think you may be right, guess what"

"Your brain exploded?"

"Almost, but no not yet."

"Then what?"

"I miss you."

"I miss you too."

"I miss you more."

"Nuh-uh I miss you moreer."

"Ack, I just noticed something!"

"And what would that be?"

"I found something of yours in my room, guess what it is"

"Um, you found my brush, make-up, shoes, and notebook? I don't know I give up, what'd ya find?"

"I found your contact book."

"No way, that so sucks, I can't believe that I left it their…Crap"

"I'll send it to you later tonight."

"Mkay thanks, Mason."

"No problem, so what's new?"

"Umm... absolutely nothing. What about you?"

"Ack, not to much here either…Ya know, ever since you were here and left, it's like craziness in my head."

"How so?"

"Well like, I don't know, it's hard to describe."

"Okay, I am now confused."

"I'm sorry; hey hold on a sec, I gotta help my dad do something."

"Okay"

I had no idea that I left my contact book away, and that really sucks cuz like, I may need that, I'm doubting that I will, but I never know.

February 16th, 2004- 12:30 pm

Dear Diary,

Dad called me a little while ago…We talked about spring break, I'm going over to his house during spring break, march is too far away

February 17th, 2004 – 6:30 pm

Dear Diary,

Youth Group just isn't the same with out Kevin. I miss him so much. I can't believe it's been so long since he's died. It's been almost 2 months. Well, it was a month 10 days ago when he died…Stupid Car…..

February 18th, 2004 – 7:50 am

Dear Diary,

Nothing interesting is happening anymore…I have decided to no not waste my time writing when nothing happens. So now, I will only write in Diary when I need to, or when I find that something interesting is happening.

February 28th, 2004- 10:15 pm

Dear Diary,

Dad called again, we talked about summer vacation. I am spending summer there…

March 13th, 2004- 4:29 am

Dear Diary,

Friday the thirteenth, I still don't get why people freak out. It's still Friday, and it's still going to be the same month, and nothing is different about it.

March 21st, 2004- 8:23 pm

Dear Diary,

First Day of spring, yay spring. Leaving for Dad's tomorrow night, can't wait. Best part about it is that Mason's picking me up from the air port cuz dad's gotta work late again. Better yet, I'm staying the night over at Mason and Mike's!

March 22nd, 2004- 6:18pm

Dear Diary,

Leaving for the air port in 15 minutes, I'm waiting on mom again…Oh well, get to see Mason tonight; I say he needs a nick name. Hmm, I'll have one when I come back.

March 28th, 2004- 4:30 pm

Dear Diary,

Got back from dad's today. Mason's new nickname, he doesn't like it all that much, I just love it "Masiy"…I think he may not like it very much cuz it happens to be a mouse's name on Nick Jr. Hehe gotta love little kid shows…Umm, hanging out with dad was fun. We got to spend a lot of time together, strange thing is though, how I spent so much time with Masiy and dad…Dad really likes Masiy, I say that's a good thing. Ooh best part about going, I got Masiy into Church! Now he is going all the time, and even goes to the youth group. He says he wants to come by me so he can check out my youth group and church. Me and him are becoming better friend everyday…

April 3rd, 2004- 10:00 am

Dear Diary,

Masiy is coming to town! He has off school on Friday and because he has off he is coming to town after school on Thursday night. Woot! This is gonna be fun hanging with him in my home town. Sad thing is though that he has to leave on Sunday, and he won't be able to go to youth group with me. We are planning on having him stay with me for a few weeks over summer, and then we both go back to Dad's

April 6th, 2004- 2:15 pm

Dear Diary,

Masiy is coming today! His plan is gonna be at the port at 5:00…

April 7th, 20004- 2:16 am

Dear Diary,

Have time to write you now cuz Masiy is in the shower. He got here and I showed him around town. He likes the light house too! I love it there, jus the most like relaxing place around. Gotta love it there. Ooh, his hair cut and dye looks super awesome, he told me about a week ago that he cut and dyed his hair, it looks so sweesome!

April 7th, 2004- 4:29 pm

Dear Diary,

When I was at school Masiy stayed home and hung out with mom, I bet that was interesting, and just knowing the way mom is, well I have a slight feeling that he was interrogated. But hey, why not let him spend time with the folks, I mean, if we are ever gonna hook up like we've talked about, mom and dad have to like him/ get to know him. 2 months and I'm still living with out Kevin

April 8th, 2004- 10:16 pm

Dear Diary,

We went; shopping, to the light house, movies, and a super long walk around town.

April 9th, 2004- 2:45 pm

Dear Diary,

Went to church this morning with Masiy, he said he loved the Pastor and what he all talked about today. I lately have been going through a Kevin with drawl; I miss him so much it's just insane.

April 10th, 2004 – 7:15 am

Dear Diary,

I had a dream last night, and I'm terrified and in tears. I deseeded that if I don't sleep, I can't have horrible dreams that corrupt my mind. In this one, I died, along with Masiy. We were at the light house on a really windy day, the waves were insanely wavy, and then whoosh, we go over the light house rail and fall into the freezing water and die…But that was only in the end. Before that all happened we went to Kevin's grave site and just wow. I broke down crying of missing him so much. Told Masiy all of what happened to Kevin, he looked so like hurt. And he asked me "How can you handle all of this, your best friend dying, I know I would die" It was just so, hard to see his grave site. I think I am going to go the site today. I haven't been there since the day he was buried. And I think that it might help with missing him so much. I mean, I have been really emo about all of it lately, and I think if I go there and just remember good time's things will be okay. I also realized today that I haven't been doing what I wanted to with my calling. I need to start on my calling again, I just need to, and I owe it to Kevin!

April 11th, 20004- 3:45 am

Dear Diary,

I just got home from Kevin's grave site about fifteen minutes ago. I was there from about 9 this morning until about 3:30… I miss Kevin so much, I just like can't help but to worry about him and miss him. I sat there all day just crying my eyes out because I miss him so much. I just don't understand why he had to die. Out of all people why him, why did it have to by MY mini-savior, my friend, my companion, my crush…Just why? I sat there a lot of the day just trying to remember good times. It wasn't exactly working out the way that I wanted it to. Some people came to visit today too, Chris, Amy, and Clarissa, all came to visit him today. They didn't stay as long as me though. I think that they were there for about 1 hour. No more than that I know. Wah, I miss him so much.

April 12th, 2004- 9:48 pm

Dear Diary,

Miss Kev so much, going insane…

April 21st, 2004-8:59 am

Dear Diary,

I am going to visit Kevin again tomorrow. I think that he deserves a visit at least once a week. Ooh went to Oben again and like, I made people cry. My words I had said just reminded people of things I guess and just made them explode in tears. I kinda feel bad for making people cry because of what I said, but I guess not so bad because the words were for God.

May 2nd, 2004- 11:26 pm

Dear Diary,

Matt came home drunk from work tonight. Mom and Matt ended up fighting again. Dang I hate it when the fight. It just sucks so much, they have been fighting a lot lately, and I wonder what it's all about. I hope it's not over me, cuz well, that would just suck. It just kills me when I see my mom and older brother yelling at each other.

May 4th, 2004- 7:14 pm

Dear Diary,

I just got off the phone with Mason, and since I don't have school on Friday, I am going to go visit him and dad. Woot!

May 5th, 2004- 6:00 pm

Dear Diary,

Only 4 more days till I leave again.

May 8th, 2004- 7:31 am

Dear Diary,

Leaving for dad's tomorrow.

May 9th, 2004- 8:12 am

Dear Diary,

Leaving for dad's.

May 11th, 2004- 8:20 pm

Dear Diary,

I went to church with dad, Mike, and Mason today. I didn't even know dad went to church, maybe Mason got Mike and dad to go shrug Mason, just wow. Unexpectedly, he asked me out. I told him I'm not ready for a relationship yet. I really don't think I am. That or I am still not over Kevin.

May 12th, 2004- 6:16 pm

Dear Diary,

I want to learn how to play piano. Hmmm…I am going to start taking lessons, I mean why not, I have a guitar, and a piano, why not learn how to play them.

May 21st, 2004- 2:30 am

Dear Diary,

I went to my lesson for piano today. I love the piano so much. I'm already starting to learn how to read the music, and I can play twinkle twinkle little star. Ack, music is just so much fun. I wonder why I never though of actually playing guitar and piano.

June 1st, 2004- 2:59 pm

Dear Diary,

Last week of school has already come. Only 5 more days and then I'm done with my junior year. I just realized, that I am way to over prepared for next year, I already have my collage application ready. It's just crazy…. In 2 weeks Mason is coming for a week, then we both leave town. I get to see dad again yay! I miss dad, I haven't seen him for so long. I wish that mom and dad would fix their problems and just get back together so I can live with both of them. Maybe they will, but that would have to start with an actual view of each other. Mom and dad haven't seen each other since the court date when they decided I was going to live with mom, and that was almost 15 years. They got divorced when I was 2. And I hate it whenever I bring up the subject, they find something for me to go do, or change the subject. ERGA this sucks. pout.

June 6th, 2004 – 11:21 am

Dear Diary,

Today is the last day of school. I hate 3rd hour, there is no one in this class that I like so I am just here writing while everyone else I signing year books, saying their good byes and all that jazz. So this year for me, interior design had to be the worst class I took. Don't get me wrong, I love this class so much, it's so much fun, but I hate it that none of my friends are in this class with me anymore. Kevin was but well, when he left, my fun in the class did too. Sadly, I haven't been able to go to Kev's site because of Work, Oben, Jolt, and school. I just decided, I have off work tonight, no Oben, or Jolt, I am going to visit Kevin and just talk to him and tell him about the rest of the school year. Mason's getting here tomorrow at about 4 so that will be fun.

June 7th, 2004- 6:20 pm

Dear Diary,

At the last minute, Mason got sick and couldn't come. So next week I get to fly all the way to dads by myself. Well I'm probably going to be reading on my way there anyways no matter if someone's with me or not. Ooh just thought of something, maybe I can get mom to come with me. She hasn't been to L.A. for a long time, so maybe that will work on getting her there, I doubt it but it's worth a shot.

June 8th, 2004- 6:10 am

Dear Diary,

I got mom to come with me! She is going to L.A. with me but she is going to be renting an apartment while we are there cuz she doesn't want to have to stay with dad. Dad said he is going to pay for the apartment; mom won't let him do it. He told me that he is going to find a way to pay for it. See that shows right there that dad still cares about her, because if he didn't he wouldn't have said she can stay with us, or that he will pay for the apartment. He told me that if she doesn't take the money for the apartment, he is going to give it to me to take home and stash in her room somewhere, where she can find it later on and think that it was all her money and that she left it in her room wherever I put it. Yay, I'm so glad that mom is going; maybe this summer will be the start of the "winds of change" Mom wants to get there a few days early so that we can just spend mother daughter time together, so we are leaving the day after tomorrow.

June 10th, 2004- 10:15 am

Dear Diary,

Today I leave; I won't be back until August 29th. This summer is going to be the best ever! I'm not going to bring you along because I don't really want to have to leave it at mom's apartment because I'm not staying there. And I can't have you at dad's. So you're going to be stuck underneath my pillow for the next few months. I can't wait to see mason. I can't wait to be able to speak at his youth group. I love God and need to spread it. Kevin, I am going to miss going to his site so much. I think the first thing I do when I come back is going to is stay at his site all day. And maybe I'll go to his house and check up on the family, hope that they are doing okay at that time. I was over there the other day talking to his sister, she seems fine, and I only hope that she is still okay at the end of the summer. Can't wait till summers over to get back, but yet, I just can't wait for it to last. I want the summer to feel like forever and for me to have a great time, but I am going to miss writing everyday. I haven't even left yet and I already am homesick. Oh well, I guess shrug.