i can't stop trying

oh god, i know (now) how much this hurts you (because
you hate to see me like this) but you can't begin to fathom
how much you hurt me (no, i don't expect you to under-
stand). why couldn't i just hear everything from you
(instead of seeing words from her that sting like cyanide
eating away at my insides)? and it's not that i don't care
to know it from her (because she shows that she cares for
my pain though she says that i only want her ((you)) to
see my pain) but it's difficult to put things into words
(like the way i feel when everything comes rushing back
to me). and even when i tried to explain (exactly the
way i feel/felt), i was confusing myself (though she
said that she understands). and this is how much it
hurts to know everything now after so long and after
i waited because i never expected these words to burn
like acid, seeping into my (scarred) skin (but then
again, i never expected to see myself like this and the
way i bleed, cry and vomit). this doesn't make things
easier (no matter what you/she think/s) and with suicide
thoughts running through my head, this bullet seems
to be the only sweet thought to reminisce about.

February 22, 2006