I should tell you I'm disaster -Rent
Looking back, nothings what i thought it would be; or what it was for that matter. Every regret i hold gathers together, and i wonder how i can possibly makke it through another year. Im not what i was, yet im still everything i use to be. Nothing was changed and everythings different.
I cant tell the difference between a truth and i lie, i cant believe i messed up as bad as i did. Look at me, im such a mess. Grasping onto anything that can label me as something, but still fighting to be my own.
A Genderfuck, a fag, a dyke. I dont care much less know. Im a fuck inside and out. I cant figure one thing out about me. You said you knew, and maybe you did. I hope to god you did, because that would give me all the hope in the world. Maybe that was the problem, maybe you knew exactly who i was and i just couldnt stand it...Or maybe theres nothing to know, nothing to figure out. I blocked almost everything out, i can barely even remember. I dont want to remember, and i cant forget. The time we had together, was at the worst point in my life. Everything i had was taken away, my life shattered. I was jsut a kid, and i still am.
I wanted you to be stuck on me, i wanted you broken; i thought you would be. I should have known better. I pretended i was your stone, your constant, the one thing keeping you from drowning. But you let me think that, you made me think it. Maybe it was true, but im not so sure anymore.
Im not certain of anything, but i try so hard. I try to be myself, but its gotten to the point where i have no idea who i am anymore...its been like that for a while. Maybe i dont want to know though, and maybe i never really did.
I keep trying to go over everything, repeating all the lines i have left. I dont know what went wrong, maybe i dont think anything did go wrong. But if thats the case, well i still dont know. I dont know anything, and im trying to be content with that.
Do i miss you, do i regret everything?
I could answer that, i have to myself so many times. But maybe it doesnt matter, maybe i just need to move on and try to learn from it. Is it possible to move on and learn from something you cant even figure out though? Something i cant even begin to piece together in my mind.
You were a major part of my life, that cant be denied. Which part, im still working on.