Winter

The rays of the sun reach across the classroom and brush against my cheek like the caress of a cautious lover. When the sunlight falls through the window in a delicate stream, it makes the dirt in the air glow like gold dust and my dark hair shine a rich caramel. This brief moment of spring-like warmth passes quickly as a patch of dark clouds in the concrete sky cover the sun. The cold months are crawling along, feeling slower than usual with the lack of romance. Lack of romance, but not lack of drama. Everyday makes it harder to believe that you don't love me anymore. Every passing second makes it more agonizing to recall all the things that are gone.

The teacher is saying something about some test I should be worried about, but not to my surprise, my mind is elsewhere. My mind rests on your shoulder, watching your pen dance across some paper in your own classroom. My mind lays in your lap, in a deep slumber dreaming of you. My mind, my heart, my soul and my life sit in your hand, where my small fingers once fit so well, like a puzzle piece that matched. You won't ever take my hand again, though, you don't want my mind, my heart, my soul or my life at all and I don't know why you ever did. Yet, still you did and when you said you would love me forever, the naïve part of me (which is the larger part) believed you completely. I don't understand how this could be real. How is this happening? Was it something I did or said? Some problem we just couldn't fix in time? Whatever the reason was, you don't love me anymore and you're gone.

We're just friends now. It hurts so much too say that. Don't misinterpret this; I'll be thrilled if we really can hold onto our friendship. Still, every time I am near you I want to just spend the rest of my life loving you. Still, I have sudden urges to throw my arms around you and kiss you on the lips for as I long as I can without coming up for air. Still…still…I dream of your face and I cry for you and I want to make you happy but I also want revenge, I want to kiss you but I want to just kill you. I want to be with you but being near you is so painful for me. I am so torn…so simply torn to pieces by my sorrow.

Everyone tells me to either get a new boyfriend or just get back together with you. These people obviously don't know me, you or a single thing about human nature. I can't move on. I take approximately forever to let go and I can't be rushed. You are as stubborn as an ox, once you've made up your mind about something there is no turning back. You bottle up your feelings but when you finally express yourself it is remarkable and overwhelming. You and I both usually avoid problems and wait until they are too big to solve to acknowledge them. I would ask you for a second chance but I know I won't get it. It isn't like I have any pride or reputation to preserve, hell it wouldn't matter anyway. I'm still in love with you. Most girls (especially girls our age who have anger management problems) would hate you for how you've made me feel and things you've said and would never look at you again without giving you the finger, and believe me, a piece of me really wants to just smack you and tell you that for all I care you can go die but that's not who I am or how I feel and I want you back so I have no reason to actually give in and do it.

I will love you forever even though you've placed me in this perpetual winter. Even with the sun shining on me, like a ray from God's very hand, I am ice cold and I am trapped.