Remember? (To My Brother)

by Elektra

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I was doing fine

Until you screwed me over.

I was coming along great

Until you destroyed me.

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Without you,

I could've been happy.

Without you,

I could've been normal.

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Remember when we were little?
Everything was so perfect.

We were like the best of friends

Giggly, smart, playful, together

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Sure, we argued some,

We were brother and sister after all

But the good outweighed the bad

Didn't it, brother?

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Remember bath times?
Sliding down the stairs?
Playing Barbies, fisher price dolls/bunnies, and action figures?

Listening to Adventures in Odyssey tapes?

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How until you went to school, you'd talk for me all the time?
How I got scared every time we accidentally turned the bathtub massagers on and you'd try to make them stop?

How you tried so hard to catch me when I let go of the monkey bars and I ended up breaking my arm anyway?

How you brought me your favorite toys when I had to stay in the hospital for a few days when I was 9?

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Remember "Lamby's Story Hour"?

What about Cornflake and puppet shows?
Jumping on the bed to Big Bird's Work-Out tape?

Making our own versions of Barney songs and Star Wars Themes?

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And dancing to Daddy playing "The Entertainer"?

And marrying Xylina and John Smith with Buggy?

And messing in the play make-up while we wore matching Ariel pajamas?

And dropping the fiery Kleenex on the living room carpet?

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Remember games in the pool?
And sneaking gum from Grandma's purse?

Making a trail with all our toys for the babysitter to find even though we were supposed to be in bed?

Waffle blocks, Legos, and the Church of Hope?

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What about the honeysuckles in the church playground?

What about riding our bikes around the block?
What about my tweety and your doggie slippers?
What about seeing who could finish their schoolwork faster?

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Remember golfing with Daddy?
And climbing trees and pretending we were bunnies?
Actually eating our mud pies and rolling our popsicles in the sand?
And crawling through the doggie door?

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Don't you remember it all?
Don't you remember anything?
Then just answer this one question for me:
What happened to us?

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You all seem to peg it to my friendship with Xylina

But I think it started before that.

And I know it wasn't really all MY fault,

Was it?

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When Dad lost his job,

That's when things got bad.

And when we moved to S.C.,

That's when it got even worse.

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You didn't want to play anymore

So I didn't want to hang around.

We started fighting more,
Mom and Dad got angry.

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The next year you went off to Academy

I missed you terribly

How could you have left me like that?
I was scared, hurt, and alone.

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Mom got worse, Dad quit his job.

Everytime you came home you just stirred things up more.

And I started falling into the shadows

Only noticed when someone needed a scapegoat.

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Why couldn't you see me fading away?
You're my older brother! You were supposed to protect me!
So why did you start to use me too, just like everyone else?
What did I do to deserve your hate?

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Did you not know I could always see through your lies?
I couldn't understand why everyone was always so angry at me

In your absence, Mom targeted me for everything

I spent 7th grade crying myself to sleep each night, didn't you know?

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8th grade wasn't any better, if anything, it was worse.

Every week was full of fear, Mom constantly left for hrs. on end.

The weekends were full of you and Mom screaming, Dad caught in the middle,

That left me, overhearing as I cried alone in my room.

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Do you remember trying to kill us that summer?
Daddy having to chase you outside into the thunderstorm?

Wrestling you to the floor?
Daddy screaming at me to call 911?

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I clung to my bedroom door, frozen in place.

Your eyes bore into me, I couldn't even scream I was so scared.

They were so full of a deep, fiery red hatred I knew you wanted to kill us all.

Do you remember?

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What about all those sleepless nights, you, Daddy, and me up at the trailer for school.
You and he would scream violently for hours on end

Did you both honestly think I was sleeping through that?
No, I heard every horrid word, all the violent blows.

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At school you always acted like everything was fine

Always questioning my dislike for you

Playing the part of the innocent older brother who loved his little sister

But I know you better then that.

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You deal with things by screaming, coursing, hitting, lying, blaming others

That was always your way

And I was helpless to defend myself against you

But I found my own way to deal with things.

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One time you yelled so hard and so long you actually bled at the mouth, remember?
You just spat it on the carpet and continued

I know, even though I was in my room, because the stain is still there.

I wouldn't have wasted blood like that.

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What about the time you pointed the butcher knife at Daddy?
We were all in the kitchen, and Daddy said, "Come get me! You'll go to jail!"

I just stood there until you threw it at him

Then I ran, afraid I'd be next.

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Do you remember the time you kicked me over the coffee table?
And then split my lip with your slap?
I told everyone I'd fallen a lot in P.E. Silly clumsy freshman, right?
I think you completely forgot the entire incident, among others.

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How about when you threw the shovel at my cat, Saucer

Threatened to kill him once and for all?
Do you remember how I screamed?
And Dad wondered why Saucer never came back.

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Or the time you grabbed the wheel of the car

Almost caused us to wreck on the interstate?
Dad pulled over, made you get out

Then drove away.

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For only the briefest moment, I was so happy, so free

Then I heard Daddy crying, and he pulled over again

I hadn't realized how much he really loved you until then.

Did you know?

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We went back, but you wouldn't get in the car

You'd called Mom and she was furious.

She blamed it all on Daddy, but it wasn't his fault at all!
How could you punish him like that after he'd cried for you?

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Do you not realize what you've done to Daddy?
Made him feel so worthless.

Do you not realize what you've done to Momma?
Made her feel like such a failure.

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I'm scared even to ask,

But do you realize what you've done to me?
You took my innocence away, damaged my self-esteem,

Put fear into the deepest crevices of my being.

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I've struggled my whole life

To prove myself to you, to everyone

Music, school, Pathfinders, Drama

I wanted to be better, to be worthy.

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You always made it look so easy

I tried so hard in everything

I practiced, I studied, I did everything 3x as much as you

But I never measured up in anyone's eyes, especially my own

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Do you know I always hated Pathfinders?
I stopped as soon as I got more honors than you.

Do you know you're the reason I took up any instrument other than piano?
Though I'd like to think I do it for me now, especially bassoon.

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Do you know that the reason I'm working so hard on that piano concerto

Is because I'm so jealous that you and that girl are better than me?

Do you know I practice it 2x every single day?
That I hide all my piano music so you can't one up me by playing it better?

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That's why, last Christmas, I was so angry and hurt

When I found copies of one of the concerto sections on your bed

I'd specifically told you I didn't want you playing it not two days before

I knew you'd done this just to spite me, prove me worthless once again

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Mom and Dad couldn't understand what the big deal was

I screamed, "It's MINE! MINE!
"One little look and he'll play it better than I'll ever be able to, just like he ALWAYS has!"
And I busted into tears against my will, locked myself in my room.

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But you're clueless, clueless to everything

You don't see how much you've hurt me, hurt us

Mom and Dad are too busy messing with you all the time

To even try to give a damn about me unless they want to blame me for something.

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Do you remember?
Do you remember anything at all?
You used to love me, used to protect me.

What went wrong?

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I just wanted to let you know

How much it hurts

To be cut so deep

And afraid of the dark

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I just wanted to let you know

That I remember

I remember it all: good and bad

Even if you don't.

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I just want to let you know

That I hate you!
I HATE you so much!
I would kill you if I could!

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I just wanted to let you know

That love is still love

Even after it turns to hate

And fear overpowers all

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I just wanted to know

If you remembered everything

If you know what happened between us

And that I'm still your little sister

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I just wanted to know

If you still love me…