these are my apologies

i'm sorry for the things that i never did wrong.
i'm sorry for showing you the first scars sliced
across my wrists (it wasn't & still isn't enough
for you). i'm sorry for making you believe that
everything was all right though i fought so hard
to keep a dwindling friendship alive (although it
collapsed in the end). i'm sorry for spilling my
heart out to you (in 3 letters drenched in tears but
filled with ((so much)) hope) in order to let you know
how much you (are) hurt(ing) me because apparently,
it wasn't enough for you to care (because you shot back
with ((deadly)) silence). i'm sorry for writing words
such as these (even though it's the only way i can
express how i feel) because although they may hurt
you, it hurts me more to know that through words i
have to tell you this (but are you even listening?)
because even if i were to scream this all in your face,
you wouldn't dare to catch a word that drips from
my mouth. i'm sorry for pretending that everything
was (is?) all right when deep inside this (worthless)
body, lays the heart of a girl who is just too afraid to
speak her mind (almost like you). i just want you to
know that i don't think i need to be sorry for anything
because it is you that hurts me more than the blade
that digs into skin to form the raw cuts that i now see
on my wrists, arms, and thighs. you should be sorry
for leaving me in silence because one word of sympathy
could have ended all this long ago. but i know now
(because of you) that forgiveness is such a bitter word

March 5, 2006