I could hear a car engine revving somewhere. There were men's voices, fake laughs. It was a business deal. I opened my eyes a fraction, and was greeted with an unfamiliar sight. Across the room a computer that wasn't mine sat on top of a desk. Pinned across the walls were posters that definitely weren't mine; girls winking, celebrities posing half-naked and bands scowling across a dark blue painted wall. It didn't take long for me to click I was in a boys room.
Slowly memories of the night before came scudding across my brain; I strained to prise information out from them. I came to the conclusion I was either in Johnny's or Brandon's room. I was too scared to look behind me to check. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep, wondering if the body behind me had noticed if I was awake. Their breathing was even and heavy, I guessed they were asleep. All of a sudden the smell of musty lynx hit me, and that was when I knew.
I was in Johnny's bed, in his room.
I quickly checked to see if I was wearing clothes or not. To my relief I was, but then I realised what that meant...I was still in last night's clothes...that meant my hair was still up, my makeup was still on, and I hadn't done my night time routine...
I frantically scanned the room for a clock, to check the time. When I found one my heart seemed to dropt down to the bottom of me and its rate began to climb. It was ten o clock in the morning. I was so late.
Without even caring if I woke him up, I slipped out of the bed and began to search for my shoes. I had to get out of there. Maybe if I went to the gym I might be able to save the damage that that night was bound to have caused me. I hunted for a mirror to check if I was presentable enough. After wiping away a few mascara smudges, I decided it would have to do, and with one quick glace at the abandoned Johnny on the bed, I reached out my hand for his door, when his sudden voice made me jump.
"What are you so afraid of?"
"Johnny! I...uhh...didn't know you were awake. Uhh..Look, sorry about last night I, uhh...umm..." I trailed off limply.
"What is it, Mary? You look so scared." I tried to recompose my face, but I couldn't manage an answer. "I won't bite, promise." I still didn't know what to say. I opened my mouth pathetically, trying to think of something. But all I could think of was the truth, and somehow I didn't think 'Getting fat again' would do me many favours.
"Is it me?" He was smiling now, and his voice was calm. I noticed the duvet had moved a bit from where I'd got up and I could see half of his chest and shoulder laid across the empty space where I had been minutes before.
"There are things scarier than you, Johnny, believe me." I tried to smile back but I wasn't sure how well I pulled it off.
"So...last night was fun," he grinned. "You feeling alright today?"
"Yeah I'm...I'm good." Then I remembered something, and before I could stop myself I'd blurted out: "Who's Lily?" Now he was the one who looked scared.
"She's...no-one. An ex. That's all...how much did you hear last night?"
"Oh, not much...except..." I wanted to ask him if he thought I was his girlfriend again. I wanted to hear him say it to my face, not just some dig to get back at Brandon. But I couldn't. The words refused to leave my mouth. "Look, I have work in a bit, I've got to go."
"Ok. Fair enough, as long as you're ok. "I nodded."And Mary...for the record...what Brandon said wasn't true. You mean more to me than that, in fact..." Oh god, here it came, "I was meaning to ask you something...like...ask you if you wanted to...you know, more than date..." No, I didn't know. I hadn't been on "more than a date" in years. But I nodded anyway. His body seemed to relax. "I mean, we can take it easy, see how it goes, but I like you Mary, I really do." his words seemed so unbelievable they were abstract to me. I couldn't quite comprehend it, but I found myself agreeing anyway. Then with a rushed "Look I have to go, call me later," and a "Thanks for last night," I rushed out his room, down his stairs and out the door with a swish and a click.
It wasn't until I was on the bus back across town that I actually even allowed myself to stop and process everything. The revelation that I hadn't been as invisible as I'd thought all those years...the fact that Brandon cared enough to dedicate a song...to me...
And then of course Johnny. Saying I was his girlfriend.
It gave me a headache. I wanted to be happy. But it was so surreal. I felt so dizzy and confused. I also felt vulnerable, I wanted desperately to know what had happened after everything had gone white in Spiders, but I was too scared to call Johnny. Who knew what he thought of me now. Some fuck up girl that needed rescuing, apparently. God, how attractive.
When I arrived home I found despite the fact I had had the longest lie-in in years, I was exhausted. I was glad to find Katy out, and decided that instead of the gym I might just do a yoga video instead.
I found it hard to concentrate though, as quotes kept slipping into my head. I wanted to call someone up, to tell them everything and get their perspective. But there was no-one. Just Kerry.
I smiled to myself. Days had gone by and I'd managed to not think about Kerry and Daniel once. Not once. They hadn't entered my life. I realised suddenly what a relief it was. Maybe there was a chance, just a small chance, that everything that was happening was a good thing. I crossed my fingers behind my back as I poised on the tip of my left foot, breathing in...Breathing out...and hold...
I mean, after all, just how bad could things get from here?