The One I Love The Most
Pacing about the room, I tried to get my nerves in check. This was supposed to be the best day of my life, right? I've got the most beautiful white roses, catering all fixed up, the guests, the room for after, the.. everything! Yet here I am, still pacing like a madman who's about to kill himself. Sighing, I put my dolled up face in my hands, kicking myself mentally. Does he deserve this? That question keeps going through my mind over and over. Will we be happy? Will this marriage work out? Figuring that the little worm of doubt is, once again, entering my brain, I close my eyes and take myself back to my high school days, where I met my soulmate; my one true love.
Making sure no one saw me, I hastily made my way to the park just outside the school. I fingered the pack of smokes that was in my sweatshirt pocket, silently hoping that I could save some for tomorrow. But with the way my mind was working, they'll be gone before the period's over.
Recently, I've been thinking a lot about emotions, such as love, happiness.. good feelings. And if you know me, you would know that I, Amelia Ann Jones, does not have emotions. I am a unemotional, heartless bitch who doesn't give a damn about anything. I'm the kind of girl that has the wrong kind of friends, smokes, drinks, does drugs.... you name it, I do it. Am I proud of the way I live? No. But, what can a girl do when that's the way she's lived all her life?
Reaching the playground, I dropped my backpack on the tanbark and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter that I borrowed. Lighting it up, I take a hit of the sickly bittersweet taste, and blow out slowly. "Finally," I muttered, taking another long hit off the cigarette. I leaned against the metal pole, and relaxed, smoking away my life and misery that was pent up in my body. Finishing it quickly, I whipped out another smoke and light it, enjoying the fact that I was killing myself slowly and painfully.
The wind started to pick up, tangling my dark blonde waves and whipping them in my face. The gentle force of the breeze swept across my chest, reminding me that I was wearing a revealing halter top, and short skirt that would have my mother rolling in her grave. Sighing, I fished for a ponytail holder, only to find that I left them at friend's house.
"Looking for something?"
I jerked my head up, thinking it was some dumbass who was looking down my shirt. But what I found was something totally different, and deliciously wrong.
He was devilishly handsome, with dark raven curls that bobbed on his shoulders, inviting brown eyes that could melt any girl instantly with just one heated glance. His body was well built, with broad shoulders, lean torso, and long legs that I could definitely see myself being wrapped in. His smell was unmistakably masculine, with just a touch of something mysterious that I longed to find out.
Gathering my senses, I bit out harshly, "Who the hell are you, and what are you doing here?"
Chuckling, he said, "You know smoking is bad for you, right?"
"Yeah, and I relsih the fact that I'm gonna die from lung cancer." I gave him a look that clearly said 'duh'. "You didn't answer my questions."
He shrugged. "Do I need to?"
Taking a stand next to me, he asked me, "Do you always come here to smoke?"
Ignoring him, I lit up another cigarette, and took a hit. "Why?"
"Was that a hard question for you?"
"Does it matter?"
He shook his head. "You really don't care, do you?"
Another puff. "Depends on what it is."
"School, people.. life." Now, he was sitting next to me, snapping my Camels in half.
"HEY! What the hell are you doing?!" I tried reaching for my addiction, but he put them out of reach. I huffed in frustration.
"Smoking is bad for you."
"News flash: I don't care."
"And I do."
After a couple more visits from him, I found out that he was in all of my classes, and we became close friends. His name was Daniel, and he showed me just how much I was missing in life. Instead of booze and smokes, he was a drug, my addiction that I couldn't get enough of. I grew to not only love him like a friend, but also love him romantically. But I kept quiet, I didn't want to ruin what I had with him.
I saw him get hurt by girls over and over, and each time he was hurt, I was there for him. I remember going to his house late at night when he would call me because his latest girlfriend had called it off, comforting him and staying with him until he found someone new, and it always ended the same.
There was a time, though, when I did tell Daniel about my true feelings for him. Needless to say, he ran away screaming to the hills. I, of course, was heartbroken, and went back to my old "friends": booze, smoking, drugs. They weren't Daniel, but it did make the pain go away for a while, and that's all I wanted.
Startled, my hand flew to the intruder, only for it to be caught by the grooms brother, Jason.
"Jason! Don't do that." Hugging him, I asked, "Something you need?"
"Yeah, the bride." Seeing my confused look, he added, "We're ready for you to walk down the aisle."
Gathering up my bouquet, I looked at myself in the mirror one last time.
"He doesn't even like you, Amy," I scolded to myself. "This is as good as it's gonna get."
A wedding. Not just any wedding. Her wedding.
I was pacing the steps outside of the church, wishing, hoping that this was all a dream. That I would wake up, adn it would be the day that I met her, that we would still be in high school, ignoring our feelings for each other. But, such is life, adn there's no rewind button on life.
I knew that I shouldn't have come, but when I heard about the marriage, I had to come to see for myself. For years, I had dreamed about her and I marrying in this very spot, and sure, we would have our ups and downs, but we would be happy, with kids running around. It was, and still is, a fantasy that I replay in my mind.
I still remember the day that made my heart soar, and at the same time, ruin everything, like it was yesterday....
Ring Ring! "Hello?"
"Lia, what's wrong? It's, like, 3 in the morning." I rolled out of bed and flicked on the lamp next to me.
There was a prolonged silence, and then, "Can I come over?"
Her voice sounded troubled, something that I have never heard from Lia. "Yeah, ok Lia. How soon?"
A knock on the front door sounded. "Now." And she hung up.
Amused by her crazy antics, I made his way to the door to let her in. When I opened the door, I noticed that it was storming out, and Lia was drenching wet with rain water.
"Good God, Lia, it's fucking raining! Not to mention early in the morning. Come in."
She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. "I'll only be a moment."
Again, it was that troubled vioce that made me steal a look at her.
Her hair was plastered to her face, eyes clouded in swirls of emotions, most I could identify. There was one, however, that made me halt what I was doing and stride over to her, envoloping her in a hug. "What's wrong?"
"What makes you think anything's wrong?" came a muffled voice.
I lifted her chin so I could see her angelic face. "It's in your eyes."
She shifted her gaze to the floor. "Oh."
I continued to study her for a moment whie her gathered her wits to say whatever it was. I knew that I was in love with her, there was no doubt in my mind that she was the one for me. She was the constant in my life; my rock, my shield. With her, I can do no wrong, and with her, I knew what kind of man I wanted to be. But I shook my head mentally. There was no way the she could love me. Sure, we became really close as time went on, but not that close. Nope, it was one sided, and I had come to terms with that.
"Then can you see the love I have for you every time I see you? Or the joy every time you give me the slightest touch? Can you feel, in my heart, in my soul, the feelings that I hold for you?"
She cupped my cheek, slowly grazing her thumb scross my jaw. Her eyes held warmth, sincerity, and passion like I've never seen before.
"Daniel, I love you. Please, please tell me you feel the same."
I was so shocked by her words of endearment that I couldn't form cohrent thoughts, let alone sentences. So I did the first thing that came to mind: I stepped away and said, "That's what you came to tell me at 3 in the morning?"
In a flash, her eyes became cold and distant. "Well, excuse me," her voice oozing with sarcasm. "I didn't think that it could wait. Obviously, it doesn't matter if I do or don't. It's clear to me that you harbor no such feelings to me." With one final look, she left. And I didn't tell her that I felt the same.
Now, here I am, on the steps of the church where she is to be wed, treading like some lunatic who has no idea where he is. And that's not the worst of it. The worst is, is I still love her.
"Get over it Danny boy," my inner voice told me. "You may love her, but she doesn't love you anymore."
A/N- woohoo!!! finally, i get something done. it may not be the best in the world, but its something. i dunno if i should keep it going, but you could always review and tell me what you think. i'd like that very much. -- prayingforangels