Author's Note: I apologise profusely for being the most rubbish author in the world. Ever. I've just finished my first year of university. I still can't believe it. It's been THE most hectic, horrible, amazing year I've experienced and, unfortunately, it has meant that the time for writing has been very, very limited. And then, when I do come bearing an update, it's sinfully short and rather, well, crap. So, I'm sorry. But I love you all and will try my hardest this summer to be diligent and get some chapters out there (and, ideally, a story or two completed). So, read on and I hope it isn't too appallingly bad…
The apartment is silent when I get back. I step through the front-door and let it quietly click closed behind me before I drop my bag onto the kitchen counter and look around for Ryan. It's so quiet.
My voice echoes around the flat, the almost eerie silence reverberating through heavy air. It's too quiet.
I try not to let myself jump to conclusions as I amble through the flat the way I usually would, though I'm unable to stop myself from letting my eyes rake across the flat for any signs that Ryan may have gone. Things have been a little shaky- I continuously find myself walking on eggshells when I'm around him these days, just because I don't know why he's slowly curling into himself the way that he has been. Of course, I could just be overreacting. After all, Ryan always has been a quiet one- perhaps he hasn't changed at all. Perhaps it's just me, thinking that he'd begin to come out of himself more, now that we're living together.
Either way, it still worries me that I'm not getting a response from him.
I carefully push open the bedroom door, audibly breathing a sigh of relief when I find Ryan perched on the side of the bed and gazing down thoughtfully at his hands.
"You're here… How come you didn't answer, babe?" I ask, carefully seating myself next to him on the bed and leaning over to kiss his cheek gently.
"I don't know… Sorry," he murmurs, turning to face me and reaching out to kiss me.
To my surprise, his lips remain sealed over mine for longer than usual and it takes me a while to respond when I feel his tongue insistently asking for entry into my mouth. I don't resist, though I am slightly taken aback, but I grant him access which he immediately takes advantage of. He moves so that he's straddling my lap as he kisses me with a fervour I haven't seen from him in a very long time, if ever. His mouth feels unbelievably hot against mine, and I can feel a flush rising from my neck and painting my cheeks raspberry. I'm staggered by the fact that my Ryan is doing this, slipping easily into this role of dominance that he usually shies away from.
That thought sends a quick shiver running down my spine, and I lean in closer, responding to the crush of his lips against mine by wrapping my arms tightly around his slight frame and kissing him like I'm never going to stop. My hands slide down his back to cup the smooth curve of his ass, smiling against his lips when he pushes his hips against mine and I can feel him, half-hard in his jeans.
He surprises me with his next move, a move so unlike him that I almost have to check it's Ryan who is sat in my lap and kissing the life out of me. His hand moves between us, searching for my zip and fumbling when he finds it. I can't help but gasp a little when he unzips my jeans and his hand slides into my trousers, firmly gripping me in my semi-aroused state. My mind is swimming as he begins his ministrations, slightly clumsy in the awkward closeness of our bodies; I want to lie back but it might mean relinquishing contact with his gorgeous mouth, and that isn't something I'm willing to do right now.
His expert moves have me there quickly, and I cry out in protest when he stops, withdrawing his hand and pulling away from our heated kiss. I can't even consider objecting when he asks me to scoot back on the bed and he slides both of our jeans off before he ducks his head down into my lap and engulfs me in the warmth of his mouth. My mind is hazy and my vision blurred as I watch his head of sandy hair buried in my lap, one of his hands moving between his legs as he does so.
It isn't long until I reach the plateau and fall, hands by my side and gripping the navy bed-sheets as my eyes clench shut and I cry out softly. I can feel Ryan's shivers as he comes too, his pretty eyes squeezing tightly closed as he does so. He moves away soon after, and I open my eyes to gaze down at his flushed face and tousled hair, knowing full well in my heart that I love him. I've always loved him.
"Wow," I breathe, licking my lips which are undoubtedly as kiss-bruised as Ryan's are.
He smiles, despite the warm blush that spreads over his cheeks, and hesitantly reaches a hand up to touch my cheek in a shy gesture that melts my heart.
"What is it, babe?" I whisper, fighting the urge to close my eyes as his fingers ghost across my cheek.
"I – I don't know. Nothing. It's nothing."
I let my eyes close, taking in a deep breath as my hand reaches up to fold up Ryan's hand as I gently move it away from my face. Opening my eyes again I see him gazing up at me worriedly, uncertainty dancing in his eyes as he waits for what is to come. I don't know what that's going to be, but I do know that he's hiding something from me and it's worrying him.
He bites his lip and moves away from me and into a sitting position, crossing his legs awkwardly and gazing down at his hands again.
"You're not going to leave me, right?"
The question has me thrown- I can't even begin to imagine where he got that idea from.
I sit up and gently tilt his chin up so that I can look into his face and see the frown etched into his features. I lean in to place a kiss on his temple before I smile at him softly.
"Sweetheart, of course I'm not going to leave you. Why would you even think that? I love you, Ryan."
"I know, I know… Me too. I- I love you too. I really love you."
My heart swells at his verbal admission of his feelings towards me, a rarity in any occasion. Honestly, it doesn't bother me too much that Ryan has difficulty voicing his emotions, but I'll always feel ridiculously happy whenever he does pluck up the courage to do so. Still, I can't help but feel more concerned by his bizarre question and shuffle closer to him, wrapping my arm around his shoulders and carefully drawing him closer to me.
"You make me so happy; I'm not going to leave you. Why would I leave you when I love you so much?"
"I don't know; I'm just being stupid. I'm sorry," he mumbles quietly, his eyes still not meeting mine.
"There isn't anything to be sorry about, babe. Come on, let's get showered and we'll have dinner. Have you eaten yet?"
He shakes his head in response and finally glances over at me to give me a quick smile. Kissing him on the top of his head, I leave the bed and drop my shirt to the floor as I wander into the bathroom and turn on the shower, knowing Ryan will join me in a moment.
When he slips under the comfortingly warm water of the shower and runs his hands through my damp hair, I whisper my declaration of adoration into his ear once more, squeezing him tightly to me for a moment before lightening the mood with my wandering hands and cheeky comments.
I can hear him answer me in muffled tones from the next room, voice just determinable over the mellow tones of the acoustic music he put on during dinner. I can hear the faint clinking of cutlery on porcelain as he loads the dishwasher and clears the table.
"Can we go away?"
Ryan's head peers out at me from around the corner of the wall, giving me a quizzical look as I step towards him and smile, taking the plate he's holding from him and moving him aside so that I can get to the sink.
"I think we should go away, for a weekend or something. Do you think we should go away?"
He regards me with an unreadable expression on his face, eyes studying me as though trying to gauge how serious I am. Finally, he turns his back to me and continues sorting out the dishes and washing.
"Would you be able to, though? Or would Stella kill you?"
"I'm sure I could talk to her. She can make it through a weekend without seeing me, I'm sure."
I look up to see Ryan smiling shyly at me, eyes sparkling with an expression I haven't seen from him in a while.
"Then, yeah; I think we should. I'd love to go away for a weekend."
It isn't really a sudden decision on my part. It's something we should have done ages ago- it's been too long since we went away together, just the two of us, and I think it's something we need at this point. Not that things are bad with us; not at all. But there is something different with Ryan and I can't quite put my finger on what could possibly have evoked this change. I'm scared by it. Well…'scared' might not be the best word to describe the way I'm feeling, but I am a little worried by this change in Ryan. I keep turning over in my mind what I could possibly have done to make him seem so…unsettled. I love him- I'll always love him- and I'd never be able to forgive myself if I somehow made him think otherwise.
My thoughts are interrupted by the feeling of Ryan's fingers brushing my cheek hesitantly and my eyes focus in on his lips. He has such beautiful lips, soft and supple. Sweet. I smile into our kiss, my heart humming with feelings I know I can't voice without losing their full meaning. How can mere words do justice to something as vast as love? Still, I need to make some sort of gesture, an indication of the feeling that holds a gentle grip on my heart, so I kiss his ear and whisper the three words I could tell him over and over again until he really believes how strongly I feel for him. I can feel him smile and squeeze him tighter, placing one last kiss on the top of his head before I draw back to grin at him.
"So, where are we going then?"
AN2: No…no pointless ramble here I'm afraid; just thanks to the lovely people who reviewed the last chapter, a lifetime ago.
lunisa – Once again, I've failed you with my terrible updating. I'm on my knees, begging for forgiveness, honestly.
America's Dream – Yes, we did already see that scene in from Ryan's pov in 'Black Book Index'. Maybe it's lazy of me, but I do enjoy writing the same scene from the perspectives of different characters.
Mage Dudette – Hello there! I have to admit, I'm really looking forward to catching up with myself, so to speak, so that I can do even more of the whole 'same scene, different characters' povs' thing that I so enjoy. ;p It's just a matter of making myself sit down and write so that I can get there!
SarryMatts – Guess it was time for me to update this one again, eh? Wave at Dan for me the next time you see him, eh? Lol.
Fim – Well, I love you and want more! What do you say to that, eh? Hahaha.
narcissenoire – I don't think I could say which of the two I prefer (sort of like choosing a favourite child or something like that, I suppose?) but I do find this one easier to write since it's in more of a basic format than 'Black Book Index' is. Perhaps my laziness will win eventually and proclaim this to be my favourite of the two too!
Prof. Delusional – I love you, I love you, I love you x a trillion and one. That is all.
green – Review more often and I promise I'll see to updating more regularly! There, that's incentive, isn't it? I can't give away what's in store, though I will admit to toying between giving them a happy ending and putting them through hell, so…we'll see which side of me wins.
Lidyah, Tsuyunyoinochi Koukyo, Lelie – Thanks for the review m'dears:D