throw this all away

and i can already feel You working in me again.
here i am with bloody arms and eyes that have
cried too many tears and i'm on my knees, begging
for (the) forgiveness (that i desperately need/want). my
heart is transforming because when she talked to me
yesterday, i didn't have that feeling of wanting to wring
her neck like i've felt before. and this fire that was slowly
dying in my heart has been lit again for You, shining
brighter and burning faster than anything i've felt before.
if this is one of Your miracles (to bring a bleeding, troubled
girl out from the brink of suicide & razorblades) then let it be
because this is how i want to be seen (a broken girl healed by
the mercy from/of You) . and i came so close to throwing out the
(tens of) rusty razorblades, hiding in a box under my bed but
i feel Satan telling me to keep them (just in case he shouted
in my face). but this is something i want to get over (because
the scars drawn across my wrists are enough to make me
hate myself even more). and this pain that i feel could
never match Yours because You gave it all up just for me.

March 9, 2006

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author's note: & i seriously think i'm getting better.