I left you with my tears in my hands.
I'd repeated everything I'd wanted to tell you in my head all day, forcing serenity to my mind in vain. Because when I reached you, when I saw those blue-green oceans filled with tears and look at me and I knew that your sorrow wasn't for me, it all disappeared from my mind. I could only give you silence as you went on about how wonderful a person I was. But I couldn't understand. You didn't understand.
All I could do was to hide my tears under my fringe, my head bowed, and my fingers idly picking at the grass as you spoke your words of wisdom and love, but you knew no love. And every word spoken by you and unheard by me pierced my soul and lapped at my blood.
It was a beautiful day with sunshine. It was summer. It was warm and green. The sky was blue and empty, staring down on us. But for me the sky wept. For me it was cold and grey. For me it was Autumn and ashes.
Still as you kissed me goodbye, I was drunken with love for you, my arms open wide, my heart forgiving and ever waiting for you to come back to me. I accepted your lust, because I knew that was your only feeling towards me, and it was enough. I only wanted you to let me feel the way I did, but I was pushed away from every corner of the world into my own little box, the one I wanted to share with you. But your heart and your mind were too big for my little box, your soul yearning for wings to fly. Yet you knew that I was too broken to give you wings. We were both broken, scarring each other in heated moments of passion to let the other cry out the pain of living.
And you said too bad I'm beautiful, too bad I'm innocent, too bad I'm too good for you to hurt like this, but you didn't say how much I was hurting you, how I was crushing you with my overwhelming intensity.
You laughed through the droplets that had gathered at your eyes. You laughed and laughed and laughed before bursting into tears and burrying your head in my embrace, your scent intoxicating. I didn't listen to your mumbling and I didn't speak and when you kissed me I kissed you back. I threw my arms around you and I was filled with you as your hands mushed my hair and slipped under my clothes.
Because this would be the last meeting that we would acknowledge each others worlds. This would be when you would bereave me of my being and leave me forever. I knew that when we would meet the next time the only talk between us would be two heartbreaking sentences about the weather and a lie about how we were.
But I would remember. I would feel the only feelings you would leave for me. I would be torn by the memories of us in every place I passed. I would see you walk in front of me everywhere I went, I would feel your hand in mine in the sunset and I would kiss you under the stars in my fantasy.
I know that you've already forgotten about our forbidden love. About the petty bubble gums we shared. About the cigarettes and the stolen chocolate bars, the green summer lawns we rolled over and the pearls of laughter. About my insanity and our pain and blood and my tears that I never showed you
I'll keep it a secret, trap it in my box and I wont let anyone in. Just like you didn't let me in. Because you'd been hurt too. And I'll be hurt like you and stay like you.
I was an angel, forgiving, healing, never invited.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever understood my feelings. Maybe you could express yourself and I couldn't, though we both always thought it was the other way around.
I left you that day with my tears in my hands. The sky wept for us too, though it was hiding it like I was under the sunshine of my mourning smile. I left you with my heart and with my broken wings to nurture.
We always spoke of philosophy and our longings, our longing after God knows what. We were longing like only juveniles can, like only we could. I can still hear your voice as you spoke of it when you kissed me for the very last time.
No regrets, no feelings, no pain remained, and eternity was still waiting. Eternity would always wait.
I will always wait.