She presses against my collarbone, my hip, the indent of my spine; knuckles dragging across bare flesh. My bones arch and creak beneath her, mouth muttering, murmuring, screaming oh god oh please oh godohgodohgod.
She smiles, flash of yellow in a blue laced face. She sparks, hisses and I can't help but drown in the flesh that damns me; illegal, immoral, go to hell goddamn you, oh god yes, please...
Her mouth, so close to my skin, hovers, sticky with sweat and me, and it laughs, dry chuckle, cigarette laden how can she hold so much power over me?
Love and sex and drugs, my baby... oh please, god, pleasepleaseplease...
It should be rock and roll right? Sex and drugs and rock n roll. But when she's with me, I don't hear the music. Love replaces the sound, replaces the hunger and the need for something to drown in.
Fear and twitching hesitation, replaced by her, her, her. Her. By the drugs she feeds me, the sex she intoxicates with. And she thinks I don't know but I do, oh yes, I do.
And even when I watch her, surrounded by a crowd that swallows, watch as she lets them into her grasping body, her eyes still search for me. Her cries are all for me now and I love her love her.
Love's replaced the music in my life. Love and sex and drugs, darling, and that's all I need to be.
I remember the day I met her, sitting on a concrete floor, nicotine tracing my veins. She'd looked at me, eye-liner smeared and angry.
You don't have to hurt to be beautiful, you know... the voice so soft I thought it was in my head.
I looked at her as she sat beside me, passed her my lighter, and breathed in her smoky breath. Let me break you; her voice, slow and silent and seductive. I took a drag and two weeks later I was drowning.
It's my favourite memory of her.
I'm standing outside the room. I can't come in, this place is full of cops and doctors and those guys that try to fuck you over; take your drugs, send you home, tell you your love is illegal…
Your eyes flash onto mine suddenly, wide and hazel. You're eyes tell me you're scared, but your mouth curls into disdain, blowing me a kiss. I smile back.
You're going to rehab: heroin overdose. They didn't catch me. It's the last time I'll ever see you, and my six stone frame gets skinnier.
Two years later I'm leaving for university, with straight A grades.
Don't worry, darling, I still take the drugs.