THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN WEENIE: ONE PORTATO, TWO PORTATO, THREE PORTATO, DIE!
It was a bright day as Paul Farley and his best friend Mike Lawrence scurried to the library to check out the book fair. This was the only time in Roquefort where some lucky person could buy two books for a quarter and have all the brownies and lemonade 'til their hearts content.
"Don't you just love the book fair, Mikey?" Paul asked skipping.
"Yes it's a wonderful opportunity to buy two books for a quarter and have all the brownies and lemonade 'til our hearts content," Mike said dryly, "Could you stop skipping? It's making me uncomfortable."
"Sorry," Paul said walking as normally as he could.
As they arrived at the Roquefort Library, they noticed that there was a big crowd turnout this year.
"Wow, look at all this people!" Paul said in amazement.
All of a sudden they heard a scream from inside the library.
"What was that?" Paul asked stopping.
"Someone screaming?" Mike suggested condescendingly.
"Yeah, duh," Paul said, rolling his eyes.
Paul ran towards the library, as he was about to open the door, someone came through it and sent Paul flying off the steps. Paul was about to get up when a bunch of people ran out of the library, right over him.
"Ouch," Paul said, his body in a nervous twitch, "My nose hurts...and so does the rest of my broken body."
Mike saw five men dressed as giant French fries coming out of the library. One of them was holding a book.
"Help!" a little girl screamed, "They stole my book!"
Mike knew just what to do, he went into a back alley and two seconds later emerged as Herb, sidekick to Captain Weenie! Herb chased after the French fry flock as they tried to make their escape.
"Halt evildoers!" Herb said chasing after them.
The French fry men stopped running and turned around.
"And who might you be?" a man labeled FFF1 asked.
"I ask the questions around here, you book bilking bandit!" Herb said facing all five men down, "Who are you and what sort of dastardly fiends steal a book from a little girl?"
"We," FFF1 said, "Are the French Fry Fiends. And you must be that weenie's sidekick."
"That's right," Herb said stepping into a fighting stance, "And I'll side kick your crinkled cut butts from here to Acapulco."
"Get him men!" FFF1 ordered.
The other four French Fry Fiends surrounded Herb. The one-labeled FFF2 walked up to Herb and pushed him. Herb stumbled back and then tripped over FFF3 who was kneeling down behind him, and fell.
They're too strong, Herb thought to himself, I might actually need Paul's help.
FFF4 pulled out a piece of paper and ran it against Herb's hand quickly.
"Ow," Herb said pulling his hand away, "You gave me a paper cut!"
Then FFF5 grabbed Herb by that hand and pulled him up as FFF1 came over to Herb.
"You'll rue the day, you ever decided to mess with the French Fry Fiends," he said.
And then FFF1 pulled out a saltshaker gun.
"How would like a little salt in your wound?" FFF1 said pointing the gun to Herb's hand.
Oh, no, Herb thought, I'm done for.
Just when FFF1 was about to shake the gun, a Weenerang flew out and knocked the gun out of his hands.
"I wouldn't try that you French fry felon!" a voice said.
It was Captain Weenie, defender of justice, fighter for freedom, and the official superhero of Roquefort.
"Well," FFF1 said, "It's about time you showed up, Weenie."
"You better drop Herb," CW said, "Or I'll drop you. Drop kick, that is."
FFF1 motioned for them to let Herb go. When he was freed, he ran over to Captain Weenie.
"You all right, Herb?" the Captain asked.
"Fine," Herb said rubbing his hand,
"Now let's finish these guys."
"Right," CW said nodding his head, then he turned to the French Fry Fiends, "First you steal a book from an innocent girl, then you attempt to destroy my sidekick, using dirty tactics and paper cuts. You make me sick, and I don't even know you that well."
"Get them!" FFF1 said.
FFF2 through 5 ran after CW and Herb. Captain Weenie and Herb pulled out their mustard guns and got to spraying, the French Fry Fiends were pushed back a little but kept on going towards them. Captain Weenie, seeing that the mustard guns weren't working, pulled out his ketchup grenade from his belt. He pulled out the pin and threw it at the feet of the French Fry Fiends. The ketchup grenade exploded and sent the whole flock of Fiends flying.
"I guess they don't like a lot of ketchup with their fries," CW joked to Herb.
Herb rolled his eyes.
As the FFF picked themselves off the floor, CW and Herb advanced towards them. Seeing that they could not win this fight, FFF1 ran into their Portato Pick-up, and the others soon followed.
"You may think you've won this one Weenie," FFF1 yelled to them as they were leaving, "But wait until Portato Head gets through with you, then you'll be sorry."
"Blah, blah blah," CW said ignoring the warning.
All of a sudden they heard applause behind them. The citizens of Roquefort were cheering for them and congratulating CW. Captain Weenie took a bow. A little girl edged her way out of the crowd and tugged at Herb's shorts. Herb looked down.
"Did you get my book back?" the little girl asked.
"Sorry little girl, but I wasn't able to," Herb said kneeling down, "Maybe I can help you find another copy of the book."
"That was the only book on mind control," the little girl said whimpering, "Can you-"
Captain Weenie shoved the girl out of the way.
"Hey Herb, let's go," CW said eagerly, "We have to figure out who those guys were and why they stole a book."
"Fine," Herb said helping the little girl off the floor.
"Good bye folks," CW said getting ready to fly, "And don't worry, the Captain will find those book fair butchers and put an end to their evil ways."
The citizens cheered as Captain Weenie and Herb flew away towards their secret headquarters.
On the other side of town...
"Who showed up?!" the evil Portato Head screamed.
"Sorry boss!" FFF1 said looking down, "But because of Captain Weenie this was the only book on mind control we could find."
"That Captain Weenie boils my spuds!" Portato Head said putting his fist through the wall.
FFF1 shook his head, Too easy, he thought to himself.
Mr. Portato Head was an evil criminal genius. Formerly Carlton Hasenpfeffer, he changed his name after being sent to jail by Captain Weenie. Portato Head hated Captain Weenie more than any other supervillian and he was going to destroy him at any cost.
"Well, well, well," Portato said drumming his fingers together, "If the Hot Dog boy wants a fight, he'll get one," he looked at FFF1, "Did you manage to get any books?"
"Sure boss," FFF1 said handing him a book, "We got this one, and we had to steal it from a little girl."
"Did she cry?" Portato asked eagerly.
"Porterrific!" he flipped through the book, "Perfect! This is just what I need to make Captain Weenie as hated as I was in high school!"
"Is that possible boss?" FFF1 asked, "I mean you had a pretty traumatic high school experience."
"Shut up you!" Portato said angrily, "Now leave me to my reading."
At the Hot Dog Headquarters...
Captain Weenie was sitting in one of his Weenie brand swivel chairs in front of the Weeniputer trying to find out who this Portato Head was. While Herb was bandaging the paper cut on his hand.
"Did you see the way they cheered for me Herb," Captain Weenie said, "They really love me in this town."
"I'm sure they wouldn't have been cheering so loudly if they had seen you crying on the floor at the steps of the library," Herb said squeezing his hand to make sure the bandage was on tight.
"You're just jealous because nobody cheered for you," CW said turning around, "Because everyone saw how pathetic you were when I had to save you from getting salted."
"Oh please, they threw me off guard-"
"Just admit it Herbie, you would have be a goner if I didn't save your life," CW said smugly, "Those paper cutting pilfering potatoes would have-"
"Wait that's it!" Herb said running towards CW and the Weeniputer, "That's what they have in common!"
"Um, yeah," CW said, not quite sure of what Herb was talking about.
"Don't you get it, the French Fry Fiends, Portato Head?" Herb said pointedly, "Don't you see the common bond?"
"They all have dumb names?" CW offered.
"No," Herb said annoyed, "Captain Weenie is a dumb name."
Captain Weenie put his thumbs to his temples and stuck out his tongue at Herb, while doing so, he lost his balance and fell off the chair. Herb shook his head in disgust.
"Of course!" CW said getting up, "I see the bond now!"
"Salt!" CW exclaimed.
Herb frowned, "Salt?" he asked.
"Right, salt, you know for French fries and you put salt on baked potatoes right," CW explained, "Salt is the key element that the French Fry Fiends and Portato Head have in common. Geez o' man Herb, I thought you were smart."
"A." Herb said, amazed by CW's stupidity, "You're a moron. And b, the common bond is-"
But the Ween wasn't even listening to Herb.
"And where do you find the most salt?" CW asked Herb.
"A salt mine?"
"The ocean, man!" CW said heading for the Weenie Wagon, "Quick Herb. To the beach! We'll catch some rays and save the day!"
Herb was too late; CW was already in the Weenie Wagon and was heading out of the Hot Dog Headquarters. Herb decided to let him go, he didn't want to be associated with such humiliation and idiocy. He adjusted the giant mustard container costume he was wearing and turned around. After the Ween was gone, Herb went to the Weeniputer and looked up any articles that had to do with potato-related incidents.
At Portato's Hideout...
"Quickly," Portato asked FFF1, "Is the mind control device ready?"
"Almost boss," FFF1 said.
"Okay, we're done boss," FFF3 said pushing out a crazy machine.
"Portastic!" Portato said rubbing his hands together, "Start it up. Soon Captain Weenie will be public enemy number one."
FFF3 started up the machine and soon a whirring sound could be heard all throughout the room and then the whirring sound could be heard throughout the city.
"Ha! Take that Weenie! Your cat-in-a-tree-saving-old-ladies-across-the-street helping-bun-shield-wearing-superhero-acting days are over!" Portato said shaking his fists in the air, "Dang you Weenie! Dang you to Jersey! I'll see you in hell yet!"
The French Fry Fiends looked at each other.
"Uh boss," FFF1 said, "Would you like some milk?"
"Is it warm?" Portato asked putting his hands down.
"Does it come any other way?" FFF1 asked smiling, "Come on, sit down, stop screaming at the ceiling and I'll get some for you."
"All right, just don't throw it on my head," Portato said, "I'm sure Weenie would love to see me covered in warm, white milk!"
Captain Weenie was driving on the beach in the Weenie Wagon looking for Portato Head or the French Fry Fiends. As he waved to the people swimming sleeping and trying to not get hit by his car, he noticed that the citizens of Roquefort were not happy to see him there.
"You're driving over my sand castle!" a little girl screamed, "You hot dog hack!"
"Ha ha ha. You're funny little one," CW said laughing.
"Get off our beach you stupid superhero!" another woman screamed picking up a handful of sand.
"What?" CW asked confused, "I don't understand, don't you love and adore me?"
"No!" the woman said, chucking the sand at his car.
"Hey!" CW exclaimed, "That was so not cool!"
"You wouldn't know cool if it jumped in your hair and laid its eggs there, giving you a terrible itch!" a man said picking up some more sand and throwing it at his car.
"Well for your information," CW retorted, "It did do that, but my mommy told me it was lice."
Soon all the people on the beach were throwing sand and other objects at Captain Weenie and his Weenie Wagon.
"Stop!" CW protested, "I thought you liked me!"
Soon Commissioner McAllery came on the beach.
"All right here folks," the commish said, "Let's stop with the sand throwing."
"Thanks commish," the Ween said relieved.
"Don't thank me," the commish said opening the car door, "I'm arresting you."
"For what?" CW asked being pulled out the door.
"For driving on the beach," the commissioner said handcuffing the Ween, "And without a license."
"I have a license," CW protested.
"Where is it?"
"Uh-in my other costume?" CW fumbled.
"I don't think so," the commish said, "I'm taking you downtown."
"But commish, you can't," CW protested, "I'm your 'laddy', remember?"
"Shut up Weenie!"
CW gasped, he's never heard such crass language from anyone, and he didn't expect to hear it from the commissioner. What was going on?
Back at the Hot Dog Headquarters...
Herb was going through hundreds of articles on potato related incidents until one finally caught his eye.
"What's this?" Herb asked himself.
It was an article dating a year ago, it talked about a robbery of a potato farm where a man named Carlton Hasenpfeffer stole 500 pounds of potatoes, he was going to use them to throw at the mayor of Roquefort and assassinate him. Hasenpfeffer would have gotten away with it but Captain Weenie showed up and stopped him. Hasenpfeffer got one year in jail, and vowed he would get revenge on Captain Weenie. He said he would turn everyone against the Ween, so he would know what it feels like to be hated.
"This Portato Head must really be," Herb paused as dramatic music played in the background, "Carlton Hasenpfeffer," Herb surmised, "And he's going to turn all of Roquefort against CW. What if they hit him? What if they," more dramatic music, "Killed him?"
Herb paused to think about whether that possibility would be so bad…and where the dramatic music was coming from.
If they did kill CW, I would become Roquefort's number one superhero. That's a pro. But then if they did kill CW, he would be dead. That's a pro…I mean con...I mean…
"No!" Herb exclaimed, rising out of his chair, "In order to be a true superhero, I cannot take party to the death of an innocent person, even if he is an idiot whom I hate with a passion."
Herb scanned the article for any news that would lead to Portato Head's whereabouts when the PIP screen came up.
"What's this about?" he asked, enlarging the screen.
"This just in," the TV reporter said, "Roquefort's most hated son, Captain Weenie, was just arrested on Roquefort public beach on two misdemeanor accounts. Police surmise that while this teenage nightmare will not receive a trial or any of his civil rights, the death penalty will be sought. We'll have more for you at five-"
"'Most hated son', 'Arrested' 'Death penalty'!" Herb shouted, "Now that I've broken down the news report into three short phrases, I can decide what to do!" he sat down and thought.
I'll probably have to go and break that idiot out of jail now. Maybe I should let him stay there, though, he did break the law apparently. But the death penalty does seem a little harsh, even for him. Ugh!
"Ugh!" I guess I'll have to go and save that loser," Herb said, getting up begrudgingly.
He hopped on a Weenie cycle and sped out of the Hot Dog Headquarters.
At the Roquefort City Jail (or the Rock, as many inmates called it)…
"Attica! Attica!" CW chanted, clanging a cup against the steel bars of the cell.
"Shut up!" Lieutenant Bronson said, "Or I'll stick that cup so far up your bun, you'll really feel like you're in jail."
CW gasped and quickly sat down quietly on a bench. He'd never been treated so horribly…as Captain Weenie, that is…in the last two weeks, that is…in the last week and a half-. Okay so he had been treated this horribly almost every day, but that still didn't make it acceptable.
"If only I knew why everyone hated me all of a sudden," he said to himself out loud.
"Maybe because you're a scum-sucking potato stealer," an angry voice said.
CW looked up to see the commissioner standing there outside his cell.
"I never stole any potatoes," Captain Weenie protested, "And I'm pretty sure, I've never sucked any scum. Unless cafeteria food counts."
"Shut up, weenie! You're going to pay for what you did to me last year!" the commissioner pointed, accusingly. (One of the best ways to point.)
"Oh, I get it," the Ween said, standing up, "This is about when I smashed your mailbox with the Weenie Wagon last Christmas and never 'fessed up. How'd you find out? Anyway, I'll pay for it," he added slowly, "In increments."
"You stopped me from killing the mayor, you idiot," the commissioner yelled, "But I won't let you do it again!"
"Killing the mayor?" the Ween asked, "If you want him out of office, you could just wait until another election year-"
"Weenie. Captain" the bailiff called.
"I'm Weenie Captain," CW said, "I mean, Captain Weenie."
"For a shower? Thank God, I've heard nothing but horror stories about prison showers, but I feel so grimy-"
"No, stupid, it's time for your execution."
"My 'exe-what now'?" he asked with surprise.
Roquefort City Bank, (just opposite the jail)…
The Portato Pick-up pulled up to the curb of the bank.
"This is going to be like taking large amounts of cash from a bank easily because the whole town is under my control," Portato said, as he and French Fry Fiends jumped out of the Pick-up, "Turn on the machine, boys."
The FFF turned on the mind control device and the whirring sound permeated through the bank. Minutes later, the bank manager came out to greet them.
"Welcome to Roquefort City Bank," he said, "Here is the access code and key to every vault. Please help yourself."
"Don't mind if I do," the evil mutant half-man, half-potato said.
As they entered the bank, FFF3 turned around and noticed a large angry mob gathered around the jail.
"What's going on there?" FFF3 asked.
"Uh, nothing much," FFF4 shrugged, "They're just executing Captain Weenie, even though he was just arrested today on a misdemeanor, not given a trial and denied all his constitutional rights."
"Does this state even have the death penalty?"
"Are they showing it on television?"
"Yep, we can catch the rerun later tonight though."
"Hey ladies!" Portato yelled at the two FFF-ers, "Can you hurry it up? There's a lot of bags here marked with dollar signs and I would like to get them in my truck before the next millennium."
The two FFF-ers ran inside to join the rest in their easy looting.
Back in jail…
CW looked around the women's bathroom of the Rock. Since Roquefort had never had an execution before they didn't have a fancy executing room like other places and had to use the ladies' bathroom as a makeshift. Mostly because it had a couch and the men's didn't. This was the first time CW had ever been in the girl's bathroom, too bad, he was going to die a horrible death here.
"Is this really necessary guys?" CW asked, as the guards strapped him in the toilet/makeshift electric chair, "Can't we all just get along?"
"No" one of the guards said.
Once the cap was attached to his head, the guards stepped back as the commissioner, the mayor and other important city officials sat on the couch.
"Can we hurry this up?" Mayor Jack asked, checking his watch,"I've got to get over to the bank, I'm dedicating the new renovations to myself today."
The guards nodded as one of them, placed his hand near the flush handle of the toilet.
"Any last requests, Weenie?" a guard asked.
"Yes," the Ween said, "Can you please not kill me?"
The guard moved his hand to the handle and was preparing to flush/electrify. CW closed his eyes and braced himself. This was it-the end of Captain Weenie. If only they hadn't taken his belt before, he could get out of this. If only-
Hey! Where's that bum Herb! He's letting me get executed after I saved his miserable life today. That no good sidekick, I knew I should have gone with the Ketchup Kid.
Suddenly, the Ween was knocked out of his internal ranting and raving by the sound of mass coughing and hacking. He opened his eyes and saw the guards, commissioner, mayor and the rest falling to the floor in a fit of coughs.
What's going on?
He looked around and then realized that he was no longer strapped to the toilet/electric chair.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," he said, shaking his head, "Such shoddy strapsmanship. They really should have used a double strap," he said, while putting the strap back on, "Wait a minute, with no straps, I can leave, and if I leave, I don't die. This might be a good idea."
He got out of the chair and ran out of the bathroom.
"This way!" a voice hissed.
"It's me, moron," Herb said, stepping out of the shadows, "Now let's go."
They raced out of the jail area and upstairs, hiding behind the clerk's desk.
"What do we do now?" CW asked, "They took my belt and from the looks of things, they still want to kill me."
"Yeah so do a lot of other people waiting outside," Herb said, "You've got quite the angry mob growing."
"What's going on?!" CW wailed, "Just this morning, I was Roquefort's favorite son! Why does everyone hate me all of a sudden?!"
"All of a sudden?" Herb asked with eyebrows raised, "Anyway, I think it has something to do with that Portato Head."
"Him again? What does he have to do with this?"
"His real name is Carlton Hasenpfeffer, you stopped him from performing a potato hit on the mayor."
"Yes, you miserable excuse for a superhero," Herb said, exasperated, "He vowed revenge on you. I remember that little girl saying that the book that the French Fry Fiends stole from her was on mind control. I think Portato Head used that book in order to somehow control the minds of the people of Roquefort."
"And that's why they hate me!" CW finished.
"I'm sure that's not the only reason," Herb muttered.
"We must stop this sinister spellbinding spud before he destroys all of Roquefort, and me especially!" CW said standing up from behind the desk.
A brick smashed through the window and landed at his feet.
"Correction," he said, crouching back down again, "You must stop him, while I must stay here and hide in order to protect my precious life and low threshold for pain."
"Let's go, you wimp," Herb said, dragging the Captain behind him as they flew out of the police station.
As they were high above the angry mob, Herb noticed something odd going on at the bank. He recognized one of the men putting large bags marked with dollar signs into a pick-up truck as belonging to the French Fry Fiends (mostly because of his disgustingly large French fry costume).
"CW, look down there!" Herb said, stopping the Captain, "It's the French Fry Fiends, they're robbing the bank!"
"That must be where Portato Head is!" CW said, as they lowered themselves on the ground.
Portato supervised the carrying of the bags as the last ones were being put into the truck.
"Good job boys- Captain Weenie!" he exclaimed upon seeing the Ween and Herb, "How did you get here?!"
"It's right across the street from the jail, Portato Head" he said, pointing back to the jail, "Where I was about to be executed!"
"Now, you're the one who's about to be arrested and executed," Herb said, pointing to the villains, "Minus the execution part because…we don't do that."
"Destroy them boys," Portato Head said, "While I make my clean getaway."
He clicked his heels together twice and rocket boosters extracted from the back of his moccasins. The rockets warmed up and then blasted off, sending him speeding (at an actually slow rate) through the bank parking lot.
"I hope I'm not late for that renovation dedication," Mayor Jack said, whistling a tune to himself, "I heard they were going to have refreshments."
He didn't look where he was going as Portato Head, still careening through the parking lot on his rocket-powered moccasins, slammed into him.
"You idiot!" Mayor Jack shouted, "Watch where you're going!"
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Mr.
Mayor," Portato said, getting up, the rockets on his moccasins
warming up again, "I have a score to settle with you."
"If this is about the money I embezzled from the city budget," the mayor said as Portato advanced towards him, "I can explain. You see, I'm very greedy-"
"Enough!" Portato said, backhanding him and carrying him over his shoulder, "I will have my revenge yet!" and with that, he sped (granted, still rather slowly) off.
Back at the rumble in the bank…
"Portato is getting away!" Herb said, "You go after him, I'll handle the French Fry Fiends."
"Are you sure you can handle them on your own?" CW asked.
"Are you sure you don't want to go back to the chair?" Herb shot back.
"You're sure," CW stated as he chased after Portato, who had now also kidnapped the mayor.
Herb turned to face the French Fry Fiends.
"Look guys, it's the loser we beat up earlier today," FFF1 mocked.
"Mock me now, but you'll be crying later," Herb warned.
He pulled out a mustard gun and shot it at the FFF, most of them managed to dodge the barrage of condiments with little injury. Once he was out of mustard he pulled out his secret weapon-salt. Everyone knew that French fries were naturally attracted to salt. He poured a trail of salt on the ground to test if his theory would work and sure enough, the FFF came running towards him, following the salt, against their will.
"Looks like I have the upper hand now!" Herb said, pouring a trail of salt, leading towards the wall. The FFF ran into the wall knocking themselves unconscious.
Herb dusted his hands, "Some people say that victory is sweet, but they're wrong, it's actually salty, very, very salty."
On the streets of Roquefort…
Captain Weenie was chasing Portato for about a mile now, he was tired, running wasn't something he was good at. Anything involving physical exertion wasn't something he was good at. He stopped for a breather, he could fly but Portato was going too slow for him to keep up. He looked around and saw a little girl on a tricycle. He ran up to her.
"Hey there, kiddie," he said, "Whatcha doing?"
"Riding my bike."
"That's not a bicycle, you stupid little girl," CW said laughing, "That's a dinky little tricycle. Here, let me take it off your hands." He pushed her off the tricycle and as she rolled on the pavement, he hopped on and pedaled away.
"You thug!" she yelled after him.
The Ween pedaled after Portato and the mayor furiously until he finally caught up. He let go of the handles and leaped unto Portato, sending him, Portato and the mayor sprawling to the ground.
"You dork!" Portato shouted, kicking the Captain, and getting up to run, "You always ruin everything!"
"That's my job," CW said, grabbing onto Portato's leg, not letting go.
"Well I'll put an end to that," he pressed his communicator to get in touch with the FFF, "FFF1, activate the mind control machine!"
"Damn it, your stupid sidekick must have done something to my men!"
"Way to go Herb!" the Ween said, "I taught him everything he knows, by the way."
Portato pressed the self-activation button for the mind control device and spoke loudly over the whirring sound.
"Citizens of Roquefort, kill Herb. I repeat, kill Herb."
Back at the bank…
"Kill Herb. Kill Herb," the citizens chanted as they advanced towards the sidekick of the year.
"Uh oh," Herb said, backing up, "This looks bad."
Back to the Roquefort forest…
"Kill Herb. Kill Herb," CW and the mayor chanted as they headed in the direction of the bank.
"Not so fast," Portato said, "I have a special job for you two. Captain Weenie, kill the mayor and then after you're done, kill yourself."
"Kill the mayor, then kill myself," the Ween chanted, zombie-like and he advanced towards the mayor, reaching for his neck.
Herb ran behind a large machine, stationed in front of the bank. The citizens of Roquefort marched towards him, all looking to throttle him, knocking down the machine in the process. Herb backed away, as the machine broke, sending sparks everywhere. Suddenly the citizens stopped.
"What am I doing at the bank?" a woman asked, "I'm supposed to be at my yoga lesson?"
"Herb?" the commissioner asked, "What's going on? Where's Captain Weenie?"
"No! Unfortunately, my morals won't allow you to kill Captain Weenie," Herb protested, "Damn these morals of mine!"
"Kill him? Why would we do that?" the commish asked.
"You mean, you don't want him dead?"
"Of course not, we love CW!" the woman piped up.
The rest of the crowd nodded in agreement.
"Hmm," Herb mused, "That machine that you citizens broke in your fanatical attempt to strangle the life out of me must have been Portato's mind controlling device."
Forest…(is anyone else getting tired of this?)
The Ween was about to strangle the mayor when he suddenly stopped and turned to Portato Head.
"Your mind manipulation machinations don't work on me, Portato Head!" CW said.
He kicked Portato, who stumbled back, turned and fled. Portato ran out of the forest unto the highway, unaware of a truck barreling down the road. He turned to see the truck, but it was too late. The milk truck swerved to avoid hitting him and crashed into a tree. CW ran and pulled the driver out as the truck caught on fire. Portato was pinned under the truck as the milk, freshly warmed by the fire, poured out all over him.
"No!" he screamed, "White milk all over my face! It's not fair! I don't want you to see me like this! I don't want you to see me like this!"
CW, the mayor and the milk truck driver turned their heads in shame and disgust. It was truly a sick sad ending for a sick sad man.
"Does anyone else feel a sudden craving for cookies?" CW asked.
Both the mayor and the driver raised their hands.
"-With the arrest of Mr. Portato Head, Roquefort is now safe, thanks to Roquefort's favorite son, Captain Weenie and his sidekick, Herb. Another job well done boys, Roquefort thanks you."
Herb turned off the television.
"Ah," CW said, kicking back in his swivel chair, "It's nice to be loved again."
Herb rolled his eyes.
"By the way, thanks Herb. For saving my life and all."
"Don't mention it," Herb said.
"I mean it was the least you could do after I saved yours earlier today with that pathetic display of superhero skills you showed with the French Fry Fiends."
"Because you never know when Mr. Portato Head might break out of jail and come seeking," CW paused as dramatic background music played, "Revenge."
"Where is that music coming from?" Herb asked, looking around.
"Oh, from the Weenie sound board. It's voice activated to play on pregnant pauses."
Captain Weenie fell to the floor, ducking as Herb chucked a trash can his way.