THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN WEENIE AND HERB:
Jerk of all Trades
Secret Villain Hideout...
Captain Weenie and Herb dangled over the vats of cheez and hydrochloric acid, respectively. The pulleys attached to them slowly descended, bringing them closer to the vats.
"How did we ever get in this mess, Herbie?!" Captain Weenie whined.
"It's all your fault, you idiot!"
"My fault?!" he shouted, "This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you!"
"You are a pathetic excuse for a superhero!" Herb shot back.
"You are an ungrateful sidekick if I ever knew one!" CW yelled, "The Ketchup Kid would have never talked to me like this!"
"The Ketchup Kid is a 75-year old war veteran who is constantly plagued by psychedelic flashbacks of 'Nam! That bum hasn't been a kid since Hoover was president!"
"A vacuum cleaner was president?"
Herb sighed, "How did we ever get in this mess?"
I'll tell you how. Hi kids, the Ween here. Okay, so it was a normal day in Roquefort just like any other normal day in Roquefort. I under my civilian persona of Paul Farley went to school like I do every normal weekday. Little did I know that there was going to be nothing normal about today. Don't be fooled by the amount of "normal"s I used to describe this day because it was anything but.
Roquefort Public High School...
Paul Farley tried to keep his attention in his history class but was finding it increasingly difficult. The last thing he remembered before dozing off was something about someone surrendering a war at Yorktown.
Yorktown? Isn't that a name of those peppermint patties? Oh Peppermint Patty, that voluptuous temptress from Charlie Brown. What a lucky devil he is, I would give anything to-
Paul was abruptly interrupted from his thoughts, "Uh...yes?"
"What is the answer to the question I just asked?"
"Um...the devil?" he guessed.
"The devil?" Mrs. Howards repeated annoyed, "The devil led the United States military during the Revolutionary War."
The class snickered. Paul's face turned red.
"Despite his bad reputation, I hear he's very patriotic," Paul said, trying to cover up.
"I swear, Paul, I don't know where you come up with these ridiculous answers," she said, shaking her head, "Day after day, I try to teach you students and sometimes I get so frustrated because I feel like you're not paying attention. If only-"
"Hey look everyone!" a student shouted, "Something's going on outside!"
The whole class jumped out of their seats and ran to the window.
"What is it?"
"Is it a bird?"
"Okay, can we not play that game anymore?" Kaci Frippery asked, "It's obviously a plane; a skywriting plane to be exact. Any idiot can see that."
"I can't see it," Paul complained, trying to get a better view.
Kaci shook her head in disappointment and disgust.
"What's it writing out?"
"Uh...it's a message," one of the kids said, "For Captain Weenie!"
The kids became even more excited.
"'To Captain Weenie: I have planted a bomb somewhere in Roquefort. This bomb will go off in exactly 12 hours if you do not deliver to me 15 million dollars in small-unmarked bills to the Roquefort Cheese Factory by 10 o'clock tonight. Be there with the cash or Roquefort will be blown to bits. Signed, the Villain.'"
"This is major!"
"I know," Paul said, shaking his head, "Can you imagine that skywriting bill?"
All the kids looked at him angrily.
"Expect to get beat up today after school," Tony Pusharelli said, cracking his knuckles.
Paul gulped, "See you at the usual place."
"Wait a minute," Kaci said, "If this bomb goes off in 12 hours, we'll all be goners. We might only have 12 hours left to live!"
The kids murmured in thought and reflection.
"So why are we still spending it in school?" Tony asked, grabbing his backpack, "Later toots," he clucked at Mrs. Howards before leaving.
Paul watched as the other kids left. I've got to find Mike, there's no way we can let this Villain guy get away with this!
"He's obviously going to get away with this!" Paul complained, "We don't know who he is or where this guy is!"
"Don't wet your pants, Paul," Mike Lawrence said annoyed, "I'm sure the whole Roquefort PD is hard at work figuring something out. But I think you know what we have to do."
"Right...um, change my pants?"
"No, moron and ew," Mike said disgusted, "We need two special people to handle this situation."
Though Paul was still confused, Mike was referring to their alter egos, Captain Weenie and Herb.
"Mike, I don't think the mentally challenged can handle a delicate situation like this."
Mike groaned, "Speaking of mentally challenged people, turn into Captain Weenie."
"Oh right, I knew that."
So after I convinced Mike that we needed to become Captain Weenie and Herb, I cleverly devised a plan to save the city of Roquefort. If this Villain wanted 15 million then we'd give him the 15 million. Just getting that 15 million would have to take a little wining and dining from Captain Weenie, Master Negotiator.
"Please, please, please give us the money!" Captain Weenie begged, clutching unto the leg of Roberto Dinero, the owner of the First Bank of Roquefort, "Don't you want to save the city?!"
"Get off me you psycho!" Dinero yelled, trying to shake him off.
"Control yourself, CW!" Herb said, prying him off.
"Okay, I'm fine," he said dusting off his bunshield, "I'm fine."
"Listen, Mr. Dinero," Herb said calmly, "We know that 15 million is a lot of money, but in order to keep the city from being bombed we need to meet the Villain's demands."
"There's no way I'm going to give 15 million dollars of this bank's money without getting something back in return," Dinero said.
"Like what?" CW asked.
Roquefort Police Department...
"So in order for Mr. Dinero to give the 15 million dollars the Villain is asking for, he wants the police department to cancel all of his parking tickets," Herb explained, "Can you do it commissioner?"
The commissioner took a deep breath, "I don't know boys, that's a pretty tall order. Dinero hasn't paid a parking ticket in ten years, he owes close to 10 thousand dollars to the police department. We could really use that money."
"Oh come on commish, just cut down on Detective Bronson's daily donut dozens," the Ween said, "That should save you at least $500 a day."
"What did you say, you superpunk!" Detective Bronson shouted, running into the commissioner's office, "I'll tear you a new one!"
"That's okay, I like the one I have now!" the Ween said quickly, hiding behind Herb.
"Detective, please!" Commissioner McAllery said, stopping him from hurting our hero.
"Better watch your buns, Weenie," the detective threatened, "I'll be waiting to beat you up."
CW scoffed, "Get in line, lumpy," he turned to Herb, proud, "Did you hear me? I was like, 'Get-'"
"Anyway, commissioner," Herb said, turning away from CW, "What do you say?"
McAllery thought for a second, "Okay, you have a deal, but if we have to give up the revenue we'd get from Dinero's parking tickets, we have to make up for it somehow."
"How?" Herb asked.
Roquefort City Hall...
"Here's the scoop, mayor," CW said, sitting down in a chair and putting his legs up on the mayor's desk, "In order to pay off the Villain and stop the bomb from going off, we need 15 million dollars. In order to get the 15 mil, Roberto Dinero wants his parking tickets cancelled, but in order for the police department to cancel the tickets, they need the budget expanded to make up for the cost. That's where you come in, Monty."
"I see," Mayor Monterey Jack said, bridging his fingers as he leaned on his desk.
"We're in quite a bind here, Mr. Mayor," Herb said, "I'm sure if you just increase the police department's budget a smidge, we could take care of everything and save the city from annihilation."
"Boys, not that I don't want to see my fair city saved from complete and utter destruction," Mayor Jack said, getting up from his chair, "And not that, a couple thousand dollars extra in the police budget isn't worth the lives of millions of Roquefortians. But I just can't help you."
"Why not?" CW asked, "Is it because you're embezzling massive amounts of money from the city treasury?"
"That's only a piece of the puzzle my dear boy," Mayor Jack said, "See, if I were to increase the police department's budget, then every civil servant from here to Cucamonga would want more money."
"I know what you mean," CW said bitterly, "Those Cucamongolians are greedy pigs!"
"Exactly and if I start giving away all of the city's money while at the same time stealing from the treasury myself, there's going to be nothing left," he said, "And the board is already investigating me for embezzlement and fraud."
"They are?! But everyone knows you're the best mayor Roquefort's ever had!" CW exclaimed.
"I know," Mayor Jack agreed smiling.
Herb sighed, annoyed by the conversation, "Mayor Jack, is there any way you could increase the police department's budget without getting in trouble?"
"Well..." he said, "If you could get the committee board off my back. But how would you do that?"
"So you can understand our situation," Herb said, sipping the Earl Grey tea in the luxurious Hart parlor, "If we don't get the increase in the police budget, the department can't erase Dinero's parking tickets and then Dinero won't give us the money and then we can't pay off the Villain and then the city's done for!"
"So what does this have to do with me?" Carlie Hart asked.
"Well, your dad is a very influential board member on the city committee," Herb continued, "If you could just get him to drop this pesky investigation of the Mayor, he could increase the budget and get things rolling so we can all live to see another day."
"Okay," Carlie said slowly.
"Could I have another scone?" the Captain asked, "They are just so delicious. I can't get enough of them!"
Herb slapped his hand, "Will you focus on the problem at hand?!"
"I think somebody could use a raspberry scone," the Captain said waving one in his face.
"Get that out of my face!" Herb snapped, slapping it out of his hand and across the room.
The Captain squealed as the scone flew out of his hand, "That was uncalled for!"
"Okay, I'll do it," Carlie said.
"Great!" the two superheroes said in unison.
"But I doubt my dad will go for it," she said sadly, "He's been pretty upset ever since he had to cancel his personal portrait."
"The artist who was supposed to do it, backed out at the last minute today," she explained, "Because of the bomb threat, every artist in the city is either leaving town or has left already. He won't agree to anything now that no one will do the portrait."
"I'll do the portrait!" the Captain offered eagerly.
"I don't think crayons and stick figures would be to Mr. Hart's liking," Herb retorted.
"No, we need a good artist," Carlie said.
"I know an artist who's still in the city," CW said, "And she's really good."
"You do?" Herb asked, surprised.
"Who?" Carlie asked, interested.
"I can't believe we're doing this," Herb said shaking his head.
"Oh will ya calm down, Herbie?" the Ween said, entering the padded room, "It'll be fine. I'm sure Josefiend has cooled off since she went insane with vengeful wrath."
"Santamaria. Jillian," the guard called, "Visitor."
The guard left the room as Jillian Santamaria, also known as Josefiend, turned to face her archenemies, Captain Weenie and Herb.
"Hey there, Josefriend," Captain Weenie said, bending down to talk to her, "Remember us? It's your old pals, Captain Weenie and Herb."
Herb gave a small wave.
"Anyway, we really have to ask you a big favor, you pernicious pint-sized painter," he said, "See, we're all going to die a horribly bloody death if we don't' get 15 million dollars by 10 o'clock tonight. We need to get some parking tickets canceled to get the 15 million but in order to erase those tickets we need to increase the police department budget. Now to get the mayor to increase the budget, he has to be worry-free from investigations regarding any of his criminal activities. So Mr. Hart, a member of the committee overseeing the investigation has to have a portrait done of him in order to drop the investigation. Now tell me you're not just chomping at the bit to do that portrait so you can help save the city and my life? Huh? Huh?"
"Ow, she didn't have to bite me too," CW whined as the guard cleaned his wounds, "And don't you people trim her fingernails?! Look at these scratches," he held up his hands, "She drew a lot of blood."
Herb sighed and got up, "Maybe I should handle this."
Herb headed back into the room and saw Josefiend in the same position as she was before, sitting down, leaning against the wall, and drawing on the floor with her finger.
"Josefiend, let's talk!" Herb shouted, slamming the door behind him, "What will it take for you to do that portrait?"
Lower Wing of the Newberry Nuthouse...
"Okay cheesy, here's the skinny," CW started, "We-"
"Shut up," Herb said, pushing Captain Weenie aside, "Eugene, we have to talk."
Eugene Pickenlook turned to them, "Fools! I am not this Eugene everyone keeps referring to as. I am the Moist-"
"Yeah, the Moist Cheese Man," Herb said, cutting him off, "I know, we've met. We don't have the time to explain because we only have four hours left, but Roquefort will be no more if you don't promise to stop trying to get Josefiend to go out with you."
"She doesn't like you, man, give it up!" CW shouted, shaking the Moist Cheese Man by the lapels of his asylum uniform, "Find some other tomato that's scooping your surfboard. Are you digging my trench here?"
"What?" the Moist Cheese Man asked, confused.
"Just ignore him, it's the best thing to do," Herb said, "So can you promise to stay away from Josefiend so we don't all die?"
"I care nothing for this miserable city!" the MCM declared, "These hard cheese eating, sunlight worshipping imbeciles deserve whatever grim fate they are dealt! And if Josefiend shant return my love, then she should die as well!"
"So you're going to leave her alone?" Herb asked.
"No, I think she's starting to come around."
CW and Herb sighed.
"We could find another girl for you," CW offered, "I mean, she'd have to be blind and deaf-"
"And fully lobotomized," Herb added, "But we could find her. Then you'd forget all about Josefiend."
"No, there is no other woman for me besides Josefiend!" the Moist Cheese Man declared, "Though there is one love in my life that could make me forget that beautiful Boticello that has stolen my heart."
CW and Herb exchanged looks.
"And what might that be?" CW asked.
"Hey mom! Mom? Are you home?" Paul Farley yelled, walking into his house.
"Ahh! It's the Swedish!" a scraggly man with a long shaggy beard wearing only a blanket cried out, jumping out from behind the couch.
"No, it's just me Dad," Paul said, "Have you seen Mom?"
Mervin Farley sniffed the air, "I smell the pervasive stench of fear."
"Uh...no, I think it might be that blanket you've got on," Paul said, "It's the same one Mrs. Fluffernutters used to give birth to her kittens."
"Mervin, were you the one who smeared peanut butter on the back door?" Mervina Farley asked, entering the living room.
"It's to keep the Swiss out," he explained, fixing the colander on his head.
"I thought they were the Swedish?" Paul asked.
"Why?" Mr. Farley asked suspiciously, "What have they told you?"
"Nothing, I just came home for some borscht," Paul said defensively.
"Mervin, go please take the barricade out from the laundry room," Mrs. Farley said as he headed for the kitchen, "Did you say you needed borscht, honey?"
"Yeah, could you whip me up some," he said, "It's really important."
"I'm very busy today, Paul," she said, picking up the stray jacks Mr. Farley left on the floor as a diversionary tactic for the enemy, "I don't have the time. I have to make dinner, fix your sister's dress for a party, apologize to the neighbors for your father trying to eat their guinea pig-"
"Oh come on, Mom," Paul pleaded, "It's really, really important."
"What could you possibly need with borscht so bad for?" she asked.
"These school projects get weirder and weirder every year," she sighed, "Okay, fine, I'll make you some borscht."
"But," she stressed, "Only if you help me out what my errands."
"What do I have to do?"
I know what you're thinking, kids. My own mom. I mean, I would expect this blackmailing from scum like Josefiend and the Moist Cheese Man, but my mommy-er-I mean mother?! This is wack. Mega-wack! So anyway, Mike and I went to the toy store as Captain Weenie and Herb because it'd be easier to pick up the toy for the birthday party my sister, Mervina, was going to if we came as our celebrity alter egos. I just hope people wanting autographs and pictures wouldn't bog us down. You know how that is...well I guess you don't, being nobodies and all.
Colby's Toy Store...
"Can't this line move any faster?!" Captain Weenie yelled, looking ahead the long line up to the front, "I've got a city to save here and borscht to get made! Borscht!"
"Shut up, hot dog dork!" an old woman shouted from behind him.
"Hey, you wanna start something, grandma, huh?" he taunted, getting angry, "You wanna start something?! I've got nothing to do but stew, so let's go!"
"Let's not," Herb said, holding him back easily with one hand.
"That's right, hold me back Herb. Hold me back!" he said, glaring at the old woman, "You don't want this."
"Just calm down," Herb said.
"I can't believe we're still waiting in line," CW complained, "We're superheroes, we should have been done an hour ago. We only have two and a half hours until 10 o'clock."
"It's the bomb threat," he said, "All the stores are having major clearances and everyone's buying stuff up."
"I've had just about enough of this," CW said, stepping out of line, "Excuse me, everyone! May I have your attention?" the people in the line turned to face him, "My name is Captain Weenie and as you all know, I am a superhero. I have probably saved all your lives ten times over in my brief but stellar career."
Herb rolled his eyes.
"Now it is imperative that I get to the front of this line and buy this Lil' Miss Sweetheart doll with matching tube top and hat," he continued, holding up the doll case, "So that I can go and once again save this ungrateful undeserving city!" he made his way to the head of the line, "Thank you. Herb, let's go."
Herb slowly walked to the front of the line, embarrassed to be seen with the Ween.
"Is this all you're purchasing today?" the surly teenager asked with disinterest, scanning the toy.
"That'd be it," CW said smiling at Herb, "This little doll's going to save our lives."
"That's great," the cashier said, "That'll be-"
"This is stick up! Everyone put your hands up!"
"Captain Weenie, help us!"
CW laughed, "Yeah, nice try guys. You're not getting me to lose my place in line," he said, "We're not even going to turn around."
"What if they're serious?" Herb asked, turning around.
CW grabbed him and turned him back, "Don't Herb, don't play into their childish game. They think they can put one over on the Ween, huh?" he said loudly, "Think again! You've got to wake up pretty early in the morning to catch me unawares!"
Suddenly the cashier's eyes widened as someone came up from behind and hit the superheroes over the head. Captain Weenie and Herb fell to the ground unconscious.
And that's how we ended up here. As I'm sure you can all see, this is obviously Herb's fault. Good job, Herb. So I bet by now you're asking a lot of questions. Holy strawberries, how is the Ween going to get out of this jam? Who is the mysterious culprit that has CW's and Herb's lives dangling literally by a thread (oh wait, it's not literal)? How will the Ween manage to get out of this in time to save the city from being blown to smithereens? Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is with this barrage of questions? Give me a second to think of something.
Back at the Secret Villain Hideout...
"Herb?" CW asked, "You think of anything yet?"
"If I had, don't you think I would be doing something instead of dangling helplessly?" he asked annoyed.
"I don't know," the Ween shrugged, "That could be part of your plan."
"I wish we knew who kidnapped us," Herb said looking around.
"Oh, it was the French Fry Fiends," CW said casually.
"What? How do you know that?"
"I regained consciousness while they were putting us up here," he explained, "I guess you were still out cold. They said they were going to kill us to make their boss, Portato Head proud."
"Why didn't you say anything before?!"
"I got mad at you after you insulted the Ketchup Kid," CW said softly, turning away from Herb, "He's a very dear friend of mine."
"I really hate you," Herb said, swinging himself.
"What are you doing?" CW asked.
"Trying to swing unto that ledge over there," he said, stretching out his legs to try to reach the ledge.
"I wouldn't try that Spice," FFF1 said, walking into the room.
"It's Herb," Herb corrected.
"Who cares," FFF3 said, "The only herb we need is salt."
"Actually salt is a spice," CW informed them.
"Shut up!" FFF1 shouted, "It doesn't matter. You'll both be goo by the time we're done with you! FFF2?"
"Right," FFF2 said, walking on the catwalk above them, "In the two vats below you, we have filled them with cheez, for you, Captain Weenie, and hydrochloric acid for your sidekick Herb."
"Wait a minute," Herb said, "Why does Captain Weenie get cheez but I get hydrochloric acid?"
"Because cheez is my weakness," CW said proudly, "All good superheroes have a special weakness. Sorry Herbie, but you'll just have to die like every other shmuck."
"Okay, can you kill him first?!" Herb shouted.
"No way, it's customary for the sidekick to die first!" CW yelled to the French Fry Fiends, "I have to watch Herb die and then grieve for a few seconds before I get out of the trap at the last minute and viciously beat up the criminals for destroying my partner."
"It doesn't work like that!" Herb protested.
"Both of you, shut up!" FFF1 shouted, "We're killing you both at the same time!"
"Wait!" they both shouted.
"What now?" FFF3 asked annoyed.
"I'm going to get a snack?" FFF5 said, leaving the room, "Someone call me back when they're actually going to die."
"Listen, you can't kill us!" Herb protested.
The Captain nodded vigorously, "Yeah, all of Roquefort is doomed if I die," Herb glared at him, "And Herb too, I guess."
"Don't waste our time, Weenie!" FFF4 shouted, his hand on the switch to lower them into the vats.
"No, we're serious!" CW argued, "You guys interrupted us when we were buying a doll. I need this doll to give to a woman so she can make me some borscht. The borscht is for the Moist Cheese Man, who has agreed to take it and stop harassing Josefiend. In return, Josefiend will paint a portrait of Mr. Hart. Mr. Hart will then drop the investigation of Mayor Jack who can then increase the police department budget."
"With the budget increase, the department can overlook ten thousand dollars in parking tickets owed by Roberto Dinero, who owns the bank," Herb continued, "In exchange for his clean slate, he will give us 15 million dollars so that we can pay off the Villain and save Roquefort from the bomb that's hidden somewhere in the city and will go off by 10 o'clock tonight. We have to get the money and bring it to the Villain by 9 o'clock. What time is it?"
FFF2 checked his watch, "Seven forty-five."
"We only have an hour and fifteen minutes left!" CW exclaimed, "You guys have to let us go, you can kill us tomorrow."
"Sorry Weenie, no dice!" FFF1 said.
"But haven't you guys heard of the bomb?" Herb asked.
"We just escaped from prison," FFF4 said, "For some reason there were no guards or anything. It was as if everyone was..."
"Leaving?" Herb asked, "Running away from- gee, I don't know- the bomb that's going to kill us all?!"
"Hey, maybe they are right," FFF3 said, looking outside, "Everyone's going crazy out there!"
"If there really is a bomb that's going to go off," FFF1, "Shouldn't you superhero types be doing something about it?"
"We'd love to but we're sort of tied up right now," CW quipped, "Get it, 'tied up'?"
The French Fry Fiends rolled their eyes.
"Come on, guys, let's help them out!" FFF1 said, as they ran up to the catwalk.
This is something you won't see everyday, Herb thought as the French Fry Fiends pulled CW and Herb up unto the catwalk.
"You know, after we let you guys go, we'd better get out of town," FFF2 said, as they untied the superheroes.
"Yeah, it's too bad, we can't kill you guys and then just leave town," FFF3 said, "Then we'd get to have our potato cake and eat it too."
The French Fry Fiends stopped. The Ween and Herb exchanged looks before running away.
"Get them boys!" FFF1 shouted.
CW and Herb jumped from the catwalk and grabbed their belts, pulling out their mustard guns. Herb sprayed the FFF with his mustard gun to hold them back while the Ween took out a ketchup grenade and threw it on the catwalk. The grenade exploded and the FFF slipped on the ketchup, falling into the vat. Luckily for them, they all fell into the cheez vat and were relatively unharmed, except for being caught in the sticky cheez.
"Have a nice trip boys?" CW asked smiling, "We'll see you next fall."
"Shut up," Herb said annoyed, "We'll call the police on our way back to the toy store. We've got get that doll!"
They headed towards the exit and bumped into FFF5, who had returned from getting a snack.
"Hey, why are you two free?" he asked, confused, "And where's the rest of the French Fry Fiends?"
"Uh...they went to get ice cream," CW said, "So they let us go."
"They went for ice cream?" FFF5 asked hurt, "Without me?"
"Dems the breaks, dude," Herb said, patting him on the shoulder before punching him out.
Colby's Toy Store...
"What happened here?!" the Captain exclaimed as they saw the ransacked store.
"It's begun," Herb said, looking around the chaotic streets, "They've started looting!"
"Great!" CW shouted, throwing his hands up in the air, "Now how are we going to find that doll?"
"We've got to get to another toy store and quickly, before the looters get to it," Herb said as they raced down the street.
"Wait!" CW said, stopping them, as they were about to take flight, "Look over there. That little girl has Lil' Miss Sweetheart! Quick, grab her before she takes cover in that orphanage!"
They raced after her and stopped her in her tracks.
"Not so fast, little one," CW said, "Where do you think you're going?"
"Back to my house," she said, pointing to the orphanage.
"That's not a house, half-pint," CW said, "That's an orphanage and if you think you can pull the poor little orphan act with me, then you can just forget it. Now give me that doll!" he grabbed at it but she moved away.
"No, it's mine!" she shouted, clutching the box, "I've never had a doll of my own before!"
CW sighed, "Okay, how much do you want for it?" he asked taking out his wallet, "Fifty? Seventy-five? Eighty cents?!"
"No, you can't put a price on my first ever dolly."
"Maybe we should go somewhere else, CW," Herb suggested.
"No way," CW shouted, "I've spent this whole day realizing just how heartless this city is! I'm trying to save this city and all I get is politics," CW took on a whiny voice, "'Oh, I want this for that! I'm not helping anyone until I get what I want!'" his voice went back to his normal angry tone, "Well I've had enough! So what? You want to play the game, little girl, you want to play?! All right! Let's play! Doll!" he pointed to her doll, "Borscht! No more harassment, portrait, no more investigation, increased budget, no more tickets, money, bomb!" he screamed in the girl's face, "Bomb! Doll! Bomb! Doll! Doll, bomb, bomb, doll, doll, bomb! Do you see what I'm getting at here?! So now what do you want for that doll, you greedy blood sucking parasite?! Huh? You want some parents? New flavor of gruel at the ol' orphanage? Name your price, I'll sell my soul if need be!"
"I think you're way past that," Herb muttered.
The girl's lower lip trembled and then she burst into tears, "Take it!" she thrust the doll towards him, "Just take it and go, you horrible, horrible man!"
Captain Weenie took the doll triumphantly.
"You miserable heartless jerk!"
CW and Herb turned around to see Roberto Dinero standing there.
"Uh oh," Herb said.
"How can you be so cold to an orphaned girl?!" Dinero shouted, "You have some nerve, Weenie! You can just forget about that money now!"
"No!" Herb protested.
"But-But we got everything now," CW said, "We have the doll, so we can...but, you can't...we were so close!" he wailed, falling to his knees.
"Come with me, my dear," Dinero said, taking the girl's hand, "I'll buy you any doll you want."
The little girl ran over to Captain Weenie and kicked him in the behind before going off with Dinero.
"Good work, Captain Kid Crusher!" Herb yelled, "Now what are we going to do?"
Roquefort Cheese Factory...
Captain Weenie walked into the empty factory, the squeaks of every floorboard audible in the quiet building.
"Uh...hello? Mr. Villain?" he said, holding a briefcase, "I've got the money. Uh...are you here?"
"Welcome Weenie," a deep voice said, "Place the money and your belt on the assembly line belt and step back."
"Why does everyone always make me take off my belt," he said, putting the briefcase and belt down, "It's not like my utility belt is the only reason I defeat crime time after time."
"Oh please," the voice said annoyed.
Captain Weenie stepped back as the figure stepped forward to take the items.
CW gasped, "Professor Broccoli Top!"
"Yes," the evil mutant vegetable said, "It is I! Your greatest nemesis!"
"Well...I wouldn't say you were my greatest nemesis," CW said, tilting his head to the side, "You're pretty up there though."
"You Neanderthal!" Broccoli Top shouted, "Of course I'm your greatest nemesis. Who else could bring the whole city of Roquefort to its knees?! I have managed to cause complete chaos in the city in a matter of hours. I am the greatest villain this miserable city has ever had the pleasure of being terrorized by!"
"Whatevs," CW said apathetically, "Can you deactivate the bomb now?"
"First, I must check to make sure everything's in order," he said, opening the briefcase, "What's this?!" he clutched a stack of Monopoly money, "You double-crossed me, you fiend!"
"With all that money, you could buy Boardwalk," Herb said, jumping down from above and knocking Broccoli Top over.
CW ran over and grabbed his utility belt, "And Park Place. Now prepare to meet your greatest nemesis, Broccoli Flop. Get it, I said-"
"Don't start," Herb said, holding up his hand.
"Alright, you jolly green jerk," the Ween said, taking out his mustard gun, "Say goodnight, it's been a long day."
"Wait!" Broccoli Top shouted, "If you take me in, I'll set off that bomb."
"We're way ahead of you Broccoli Top," Herb said, crossing his arms across his chest, "We found the bomb and disarmed it. You'd better check your shirt for holes, 'cuz you just lost the ace up your sleeve."
"But that's impossible!" Broccoli Top said, in disbelief, "No one could find that bomb! I hid it so well!"
"Not well enough Toppy," CW said.
"How did you ever figure out it was in the hotel resort billboard on Route 36?!" he asked fanatically.
"We didn't," CW said smiling, "You just told us."
Broccoli Top's eyes widened, "You tricked me!"
"Some genius you are," Herb said, "You get that commissioner?" he said, talking into a radio.
"Loud and clear, me laddy," the commissioner said, "I've got my men heading towards the location right now!"
"No, I'll set it off before you do!" Broccoli Top shouted, getting out the remote to the bomb.
"I don't think so!" Captain Weenie said, throwing out a Weenerang at Broccoli Top's hand. The remote fell out of his hand and Herb caught it. CW pulled on the rope attached to the Weenerang and kicked Broccoli Top in the stomach and used the rope to tie him up, wrapping his arm around him.
"Why don't you leave the bomb to us, Professor," CW said, "It looks like you'll be tied up for a while."
Herb rolled his eyes and Captain Weenie laughed at his own joke.
"Get it Herb, I said-"
"Yeah, I heard. You already used that pun before, with the French Fry Fiends."
"Oh, what about; 'You seem to be wrapped up in yourself right now'?"
Herb shrugged, "That'll work."
Roquefort High School...
"Man, I can't believe I missed all the good looting," Paul complained, taking his books out of his locker.
"I got a new fall wardrobe," Kaci said, admiring her new purse, "How come you missed the looting Mike?"
"Yeah, I'm not really into that whole stealing, mob mentality thing," he said.
Kaci shrugged, "To each his own, I guess."
"Hey, everyone, there's another skywriting message!"
Paul and Mike exchanged worried looks as they joined the other kids at the windows to view the message.
"It's another to Captain Weenie!"
"I hope it's not another bomb threat!"
"Yes, more looting!"
"Wait, it says, 'Captain Weenie is a stupid dumb jerk who is very mean and likes to play with Lil' Miss Sweetheart dolls. He smells and whines like a girl.'"
"I do not!" Paul protested, "I mean-um...sounds like the nonsensical ramblings of angry little girl with no parents."
"There's more. 'I hate him but if he hadn't been mean to me then I wouldn't have my new daddy. Thanks, you big dumb jerk. Signed-'"
"-Stephanie Dinero!" Paul and Mike exclaimed.THE END