25/12/04

...Before I push this memory away, I want to write it down. Maybe there won't be any pain when I read and remember it later. (I doubt that day will ever come. I doubt that day will ever...I doubt I will be here when that day comes.) I like to think of myself as eternal. I like to think that when my pain is over, other's has just begun, that I will be immortalized through the one thing that brought me down.

I don't want to flip back through the pages of this book. I don't want to ruin them with the traces of the scarlet longing flowing out of my veins and my tears. I don't want to face my regret. But this is the proof that I was at all, the echo of my silent shout, the withering memory of a me that struggled to live but failed to be alive.

It burns -smudged out words-

-all her but she didn't answer. Beloved Lily. I miss her so much. It's pathetic. It really is, isn't it? Does it hurt? I want to tell her that it doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt at all. It doesn't hurt to die. It doesn't hurt to die. But it hurt so much to live, it still does, but that will be o-smudged out words-, won't it? It will be over soon. Because I can see it, I can see the life run out, along with everything that was-smudged out words-.

And it's not dirty anymore, the life running out of me. It's not dirty anymore. It's being washed in the pink water surrounding me and it's drowning me. My arns are staring to fel hevy...I'm scared. So scared. So scard tha the castle of my dreans doesn't ex----------

So scared that I'm not an angel.

-ruined half-page-


The prequel ends here. (The real story is actually "Untitled Song")

Maybe the singer does know more about him than he himself does?

The typos are there because they should be. It was hard to make intentional typos!

I think Ayah is and angel.

The hardest part of this chapter was to imagine myself as Ayah and write it through his eyes, because I felt it so strongly and my arms actually started to burn! Don't cut yourself kids! So I don't think I did a good job on that at all, because I simply couldn't. I'm very sorry about that. Anyway, the way this story ends was inevitable. I, and I imagine many of the readers, were waiting for the climax, for the moment where he faces it all. But that won't ever come. That's why he ends it, because he himself knows that he won't ever be able to do it.What made him give up hope? Perhaps the lack of anything that ignited hope.

I got so mad with myself the other day because I met someone who knew the real Lily. And I just couldn't bring myself to remember her name. So maybe she is like Ayah.

Sometimes people just fade away.