countdown to a year

may 2005
first dripped the lies and promises (soon
to be broken) and the blade met clean
skin and forever tainted my flesh. and
i admitted that you had (/have) changed.

july 2005
i saw you again with your best friend's sister
and i tried so hard to keep everything inside
as nails met scarred skin and i wondered
what was going through your mind.

september 2005
the feelings (of anger, hate, regret, guilt, pain
& confusion) came out in the form of three
letters written to you so maybe (just maybe)
you would know how i felt (and still feel).
and i included my address, in hopes of a reply.

october 2005
the month i couldn't take anymore. and with
too many scars across (once clean) wrists, i
stared into the eyes of the ones who wanted
to help (but your silence had just begun).

december 2005
a year ago, you and i were just as happy as
ever (& i can still remember the sights
and the smells of the christmas party).

january 2006
a year ago, you didn't come to my birthday
celebration (sick in bed, i don't blame you).
i never want to sit in a cold room with fingers
/hands fiddling a pillow and lying just to get out.

february 2006
she spoke to me (after so long) and told me all
the things that i want to hear from you. and i
needed so much to bring a gun to my head (like
all the other times i should really be dead) but
something inside my head begged to differ so
instead, i brought blade to skin (when it hadn't
happened in over a month – aren't you proud?).

march 2006
almost a year and after such a great night (of
music filled with laughter and words of such
songs) all the memories (of you and me) come
back and hit harder and the silence even thicker).

March 27, 2006


author's note: let me clear some things up: january is the month of my birthday. she didn't come to my 16th birthday party (i turned 17 in january 2006 - yeah, so i just admitted my age). and then in march (this month), i went to a concert on friday (24th - the hush sound, from first to last, the all-american rejects, fall out boy) & the very next day, all these thoughts came back to me just like the time i went to a my chemical romance concert in september (2005) & that was when i had the strength to write her the letters.

oh & december 2004, she had a christmas party, 2005 was just a year from then.

yeah, so i just spoke a bit of my personal life but i just had to explain some things. maybe it was too much?