The lyrics seemed to flow perfectly, I sat alone afraid to blemish the emotions I had just spilled onto the sheet in front me. We sat and stared at each other, this was a monster. Before now we were one of those phoney bands who never make it past the first practice. We however, we were different. Ryan was my best friend, and we felt we could take on the world. This was our one feasible excuse to live. I felt at ease around him, at times people thought we were brothers – completely inseparable. All our intimate secrets were packaged between each other, and in the melodies escaping the amps one chord at a time.
We didn't have much, just our guitars and the A4 paper often used as our home. The chorus wasn't coming easy, not nearly as easy or as fast as the snow, which was gathering pace outside the window. It was laying, and it sent chills up my spine.
"Lets call the song Fall Kelman" Ryan's face lit up with a passionate excitement. I still remember it clearly; this meant so much to him. That's why our friendship was so special, its like we totally understood the chemicals inside each other's brain. It seemed perfect – the chorus line was extremely bouncy. It was summer, yet we were only in October. In our heads though, this was the soundtrack. A soundtrack that in ten years time people would remember, much like Blink 182 provided the soundtrack to our lives, we wanted to return the favour, by influencing kids getting into music five years from now. We were only kids ourselves right? I was the oldest at sixteen, Ryan was fourteen and our third member – McKenna the drummer was fifteen. Well there is an old saying, and it goes something like this: "you can never tell a kid that youth fades away,"
The snow was falling faster, and then suddenly...I…I had it!
"Fall, fall, fall…wont lose control, wont lose sight of what's going on now,"Cause no distractions in the world could ever distract us from how perfect this song was. Even the crisp white powder mounting around us meant nothing, because this little studio with cracks in the soundproofed walls was everything we ever wanted. My best friends were providing me with reassurance that this could last forever, but it was never going to happen. Nothing lasts forever right?
We would book out the studio every Sunday. Sometimes finances made it hard, I was the only one with a job, and even at that – RS McColls had a habit of withdrawing my wages, occasionally without sign of warning. It didn't matter we would make our target of twenty-five quid somehow. Parents or third party sources often did the trick.
"Dooddoooo daaalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaa doodoooo dalalaaaaaaaaaaaaa" squirmed my idiotic phone.
The message was from Leander: lead singer for Hidingwithgirls; we had been friends for a while. Anyway for months we spoke online about the idea of touring over the summer months. It seemed perfect right? I would be out of school, and with exams causing my brain maximum stress. It gave me incentive to work hard knowing that I would be spending a few days in the back of a van with Ryan and McKenna. It was going to be fun, if only I had an idea of how much fun it would really be.
"Yeah man Sorepoint want to put this on. The concept was a co-headline tour. Would you guys be up for that?" He stopped…
"Oh and by the way, the tour begins on June 9th in Brighton and ends on June 27th in Edinburgh" Leander's voice was full of enthusiasm. I was gasping for breath; I couldn't believe this! The thought of touring for weeks on end made me breathless. I wanted it so badly. I remember watching Blink 182: The Urethra Chronicles. Touring was every young males dream. Whereas young girls want to grow up to be models or actresses, young males want nothing more than to spend all spare time sweating their lungs out for thirty minutes a night on stage before evaporating into a tiny and smelly tour van.
I tried to keep sense of what was going on, it was so easy to get carried away. In exactly one months time I would be playing the Roadhouse in Manchester. This was crazy! I couldn't wait to tell the band, and sure enough – they shared my ideals, I knew they would. I mean what sort of band could possibly have one member make the decisions without informing the rest? Well we could do that, because we were like brothers. I knew they would be up for it, and that wasn't the point. Thinking about what was going on just wasn't reality yet. We were still tripping on our dreams and within touching distance of immortality. It's a shame my parents didn't share the same view…
"What?!" My mum had this awful tone. It broke my heart; I wanted her to be pleased for me – for what I was attempting to do.
"Chris dear, I know you enjoy music, but are you serious? C'mon son? You are sixteen years old! Who is going to drive you about? There are a lot of weirdoes about! Does Ryan's parents know? How about Martins mum? I know Eleanor, can't imagine she will be too happy about this. No way will she let him play a date. I'm not sure about it either. Who is going to feed you? What happens if you're stuck for money? How long is it for Chris? A few days?"
She was ignorant to my dreams, but I could make her believe – somehow. How the fuck could I tell her it was for three weeks when she thinks a day is bad enough?
"It's for 18 days,"I said it as if there was a big difference between 18 days and three weeks. The reality is, there was only three days gap. In my head though, it made it all sound not so bad.
"18 days?! 18 fucking days?! What about school? Yeah very rock 'n' roll drop out of school for a shitty band," she shrivelled
"Oh fuck off, if you actually listened to me. You would realise it was the summer months. And I'm doing it; I don't give a shit if you don't want me too. You can't stop me."
I was angry. I was so full of teen angst; I just thought the world was against me. Extremely cliché I know, but haven't we all thought like that at one point in life? But it was against me! The world was against everything that I wanted to stand for as a person.
Young and hostile, but not stupid
Blink like so many times before said it best. They were acting like my parents more than any other figure in my life. I needed someone to talk to, someone who could relate to the shit I was going through.
His number was stored in my phone; we met at the BMX competitions last summer. I had never called him though; he was a busy man – too busy to talk to struggling kids. I didn't want to bother him, but he wanted me to call him. He like me at one point wanted to be idolised. It was part of the dream – we as musicians shared.
Slowly I began dialling his number, but I backtracked. I realised I would be going to see his band later that week in the QMU, Glasgow. So I kept what I wanted to say close to my chest, and sure enough as the closing bars of 'Burn Burn' chimed true I knew I was about ten minutes from talking over my problems with a bona-fide rock star. To me though – he was simply Ian Watkins from Pontypridd, Wales.
"Grin and bear it, its always better to take them a demo. Let them hear it Chris. You have to make them believe in your material as much as you do,"
Those words stuck with me; surely it wasn't going to be that easy? Well our next trip to the studio was pretty constructive. We spent 12 hours in there, and I mean non-stop practice. Yeah, sure we had the odd five-minute break to top up our fuels, but we knew what we had to do.
"The guitar line has to change a little, the vocals don't fit the tempo," I was letting the nerves get to me. We had to have 8 songs ready for exactly twenty-four days from now.
"Well why don't you do the fucking guitar Chris? Y'Know?" Ryan wasn't handling the pressure much better. We were young and inexperienced; this was all new to us. Remember? This was not like handing an essay in for Higher English. If we passed the deadlines we were screwed. We wouldn't let that happen though.
McKenna sat pattering away on his kit, while I took a mouthful of water. Downing it as if I was starving in the middle of the Himalayas. It left me wanting more; I picked up my microphone and much like 'Fall' moments of inspiration came. Finally! I swung my bass guitar strap around my neck, and began to hit a C-minor with perfection. Moving my hands up and down my Westfield like I was stroking a loved one. I wanted this more than any girl; I wanted this more than any irregular object. This was my life, and if I wanted to make a career out of music. This was the moment of truth.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah…relying on me, relying on you, wondering will we make it through"
The chorus spoke back to me; it just seemed to make sense. The three of us needed each other more than anyone else. We had to see this out; if we didn't then I really considered a lot of avenues. Maybe it was drastic, and maybe I was young, but suicide crossed my mind. I couldn't let it get in the way. Not yet.
Our demo was almost complete, when I say complete – I mean the songs were written and rehearsed, but it still had to be mixed and mastered. The worst thing to do as a band is to send out half arsed demos to promoters. I mean they are just like you and me – they are just as likely to bin a shit record. Who can blame them? I did though, and every single time one of our demos was shipped out to PR management it was placed in the bin or disregarded. I was losing faith; we needed someone to have confidence, because right now we were two weeks from playing shows to around 200 kids on a nightly basis. Yet we didn't have anything! Not the demo, not the t-shirts, not the badges, and fuck…we didn't even have permission from our parents. What kind of band where we?
That night, I left the studio feeling down and out. For the first time since forming Pyrophense with Ryan, I wanted out, and even although he never spoke of any burning desires – he wanted out as well. Signing into MSN left me with a wave of apathy, I watched the two little blobby figures swirl around until eventually "You have 3 new emails" flashed upon my screen. I was still thinking about the inner disappointment felt from a practice that should have come too so much more. Waiting on my hotmail inbox to appear seemed to take forever.
Oh, this looks interesting. My eyes stared at the title – it would appear that I had been sent a chain letter. I clicked on it, and in the process my mood was about to pick up. I just didn't know it yet. This wasn't a chain letter, in fact – it couldn't have possibly been any further away from the usual "send this to at least fifty people or you're balls will mysteriously be abducted by some ghost named Winston".
The girls name was Candice Weatherhall. She was from Charlotte, North Carolina. She spoke in dots and dashes, but I understood.
"Hey Chris
I think writing this helps me. But your band, they…to me…are awesome. I mean, I am so bad at explaining things; but I love your music.
Last week I met this guy, and the only thing we had in common was the love of a song. How crazy is that? Sometimes I think I am losing my mind. We spoke for hours, about this one song. It spoke to me through the darkest shadows. And I know you probably hear this all the time, but I would love to meet you one day, and speak to you, Ryan and Martin in person. Please come play a show for us one day. The only good bands that come here are the big ones, but that's not what I want. I feel like I love you, and I don't even know you. I only know what you allow me to, and that is what I get through your music. Messages of love, which were meant to be heard. I feel your pain like its my own. I am sorry for dribbling on, but I felt like you had to know…please reply to me.
Yours truly
Candice (North Carolina, U.S.A)"
Wow! I slumped in my chair. At first I couldn't believe what was happening. Immediately I interrogated my friends. I mean I know they wanted us to do well, but surely none of them would pretend to be a fan? I couldn't quite understand what was going on. Some girl from the other side of the world loved my band. How wicked is that? I found it so intriguing and so flattering that here was this girl I had never met before, and she was showing more faith and enthusiasm to our music than my own family. When they say the world works in strange ways; I tell ya what…they were telling the truth. I saved the message, and even to this day I have that message stored. It's my source of inspiration when things are not going to well. That drives me forward; it makes the twelve-hour drives seem so easy.
I wont pretend for one minute that things turned into a Cinderella style fairy-tale, because apart from anything else, it would be a far cry from the truth. What you could say though – is that I was revitalised. Ryan and McKenna were still on edge, but I was determined. If we didn't make it through this tour, we would die. Ya see we had this fan that we were giving strength to, she needed us. In a sick sadistic way, it was the best feeling in the world. That meant we had been accepted.
The magic was flowing, and by the time we had wrapped up our next practice. Everything was finally fitting into place. Now we just had to convince our parents. I told Ryan and Kenna about the advice Ian had given me the week before. Much like myself, they thought it was a good idea. So that night as we left, we all took a master copy of the demos, which would be on sale at our gigs with HidingWithGirls.
I fitted the porcelain record into the hi-fi, and cranked the volume to the max. The piano intro, which I had perfected in the studio, came out with biting venom. Mums face lit up, I could tell I was making her see sense. We were no ordinary band, and as the chorus hut in…
"Ill say goodbye to everyone I know, this hurts so much…"
She knew I would miss everyone back home, but this was something I had to do. She knew me more than anyone else, and she also knew that I am a stubborn little shit, I always do things my own way. As she stared me in my shallow lit eyes, the words I longed to hear finally made their way into the open like a beautiful silhouette.
"You'll take care of yourself right? And you'll call me every night no matter how good things are going?"
I nodded in agreement, truth be told I vaguely remember half the things she said that night. As in my head all that mattered was the fact that I would finally be able to tour, and without anymore stumbling blocks in sight. Well…
I did forget about one thing; we had press to do! Yeah! You heard me right – press! Big Cheese wanted me and Leander to do a shoot for some sort of British Rock On The Rising theme. Apparently we were the leading candidates to break out in 2004. I had delusions of grandeur already.
Leander and myself decided to meet up before hand and make a day of it. So I flew down to Manchester for the shoot, which was exclusively paid for by Big Cheese. I remember it pretty well, the rain was pouring down, and I was tired. This wasn't going to ruin the bands big day, because I was doing this for the band not myself. I would never let myself forget about the priorities that I had in life. I was young and naïve, but old enough to know that without the band, I would never have any of these opportunities. I wanted Ryan and McKenna to be with me, as we done everything together. It felt weird dealing with the press on my own, and I was relieved when Leander finally showed up.
The cameras flashing in my face scared the shit out me. I was being asked to turn to a 45 degrees angle so they could get a picture of my lip piercing, which I have since got rid of. It would be so easy to mistake this for a bloody MySpace indulging ceremony. Anyway, they asked some silly questions.
"Describe your bands sound?"
"What are your influences?"
It really got to me, because these guys were getting paid to ask questions every other single person I know has asked already. My friends ask those questions all the time, but while my friends often dismiss us as shit, these guys were paid to act interested. They were all so false, and I hated it. I only liked posing for the photos, but name a young 16 year-old male who doesn't?
I called Amy straight after it; I missed her more than anyone. Oh. You didn't know there was a girl involved? Well I did say that for a while, all I thought about was my band, and yes. It did take a toll on my personal life, but throughout it all she remained my rock. She was along with Ryan my best friend – but she was also my girlfriend. I was lucky to have her, or at least I thought I was…