unsafe and secure

if you think that keeping silent is for
the better (for both of us) then i must
admit that you are gravely mistaken
(because it is the worst for me).

& it pains me to know that i still have
to hide these tainted arms from the light
because i'm so ashamed of what you have
done to me. you don't see how i struggle to
keep everything from faltering all over again
(and the only reason i would dare to relive
the months of pain would be to find out what
i did wrong to break such a friendship).

& i can still remember where and when i
told and showed you the scars and those
words you spoke to me meant so much to
me (it'll be okay) and i thought you would
be there to help me but you haven't dared
to take a look back (at the girl who is doing
so much in order for you to apologize).

& staring, mocking eyes burn holes onto
my flesh because they just don't understand
(not unless they could go through what i go
through for the sake of you). i just don't want
to make the same mistake again because i
never thought you would be so cold-hearted.

you can tell yourself over and over again
to forget this but memories from the past
(almost) eleven months have secured a
place in my mind, never to leave again.

April 3, 2006