Author's Note: This is part of a journal I keep. I think the message behind it, is something that needs to be shared. So, its an essay of sort. Enjoy.
I had an epiphany today in Prof. Markham's class (I love this class with a passion). We've been reading Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. That has to be one of my favorite books of all time. I would have never picked it up, let alone Lewis if Karen hadn't recommended it to me. Just re-reading it again, made me realize the hollowness of this life. We all seem to put up a mask to the world because we are afraid to truly be ourselves. Then I thought to myself, do I really know who I am? I may write lists about the qualities I see within myself, but do they really define me? Do I really know them to be true? Is everything I think I am, different to everyone else? Does it really matter?
It made me doubt where I am going in life. Do I really want to teach? What ever happen to the Amanda who knew when she was in 4th grade that she wanted to be a politician? If there was a contest, I would probably still be voted to person in my high school who is most likely to be President of the United States. But that Amanda no longer exists. I try not to pretend to be someone I'm not, yet, I don't even know what I want out of life. I think I want to be a teacher, but part of me also wants to be a psychologist or a reverend. Professional life aside, I feel as though one day I can be carefree, optimistic, hopeful, and humorous. Other days, I can be dark, gloomy, brooding, and complex. I guess we as humans can all be a complex prism with many colors which make the masterpiece known as a identity. Someone in class today said, we cannot be truly unique. I'm not quite sure I agree. We may all take qualities from others and society, but in the end, we are blurred into something new.
I may not know completely who I am, if ever. I think that is the beauty of human nature. We are constantly evolving. If I did not grow, discovery would not be possible. I wouldn't have found the love I have for God which is the one love, which defines me more than anything else. We learn things which change us from the people that touch our hearts. I know I wouldn't be the same person today if I didn't have all the people that mean so much to me. To these people, I owe so much gratitude. I know that if ever a hardship, these people will be there. Even if they abandon me, I will always have God.
Karen once said to me, that faith, while good, doesn't take away all the pain we have in life. Yet faith eases that pain. I think of all the suffering and know, that even though I maybe tried, there is always something better and I will survive. I have patience and in the end, will have my reward. Once we know that this pain can be eased, the mask can be thrown away and the prism can shine like a flame in the sea known as this world.