the simple what ifs

how would i (we) be if i never dug the
(blue, plastic, disposable) razor across
my wrists? & what if i never showed
you the thin lines i drew across them?
what if i never wrote you (3) letters in
september (the last in october)? would
i be like this (with your silence hanging
in the air, scratching, digging into ((my))
skin like barbed wire hanging at my throat)?

& i want(ed) you to show that you care(d)
but i've already asked for more than you can
give. maybe showing you scars was a mistake
but i can't take it back (if only you could
see them now) just like i can't (but wish to)
go back and see what i (never) did wrong.

what if i had brought the gun to my head
(in august of 2005), would you come to my
funeral without an invitation (to show that
you care when it would have been too late)?

i never want(ed) it to be like this but i
never wrote the book of my life and i
can only take the steps that i see fit (and
writing/sending the letters to you were such
a struggle). and i didn't just write those for
my health (though i did feel better but the
months of silence leave too much on wrists
/from stomach/from burning, bleeding, stapled-
shut eyes) but i wanted to let you know the
hurt but you didn't (/haven't) done a thing.

pick me apart. analyze me and (try to) find
out how much it hurts (because you can't
begin to fathom all the hurt you ((continue
to)) put me through – it's never that easy).

just forget everything i ever told you be-
cause you never cared and i can't change
your mind no matter how hard i try (/want to).

April 4, 2006

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author's note: i'm not really sure about the format since i just threw it together. i don't really care for this piece that much but i must admit that i wrote a few okay lines.

& annaece's forsaken corpse: yes, i did watch life on the murder scene and i cried. i'm still not done watching it either.